Over the past year or so many of my friends and family members have been or still are pregnant. When I broke the news about my pregnancy there was certainly a lot of excitement and congratulatory remarks but then there were the warnings. Apparently making your pregnancy public knowledge somehow translates as a license for people to drop all social pretense and say whatever the hell they want to you. What? And do you know who some of the worst offenders are? Women who have been pregnant before! Okay, WTH is up with that?!
I’m almost halfway through my pregnancy now and we shared our news fairly early on, so I’ve now experienced this phenomenon first hand. It literally boggles my mind. How is it okay to say something you would never say to a non-pregnant woman suddenly okay to say to a pregnant woman? And hello, if you’ve been there before, actually standing in those shoes, do you just have total amnesia about it? Well, I gathered my input from all my currently pregnant and just recently pregnant peeps and added in my own insight to bring awareness to this subject. News flash: Pregnancy is not a free for all. The same social graces apply.
I’ve compiled an 8 item list as a sort of guideline to follow when gabbing with a gal who you know is knocked up. I realize that many times people are innocent in their comments or questions and don’t even realize the negative impact. But now you know. If you’ve been pregnant before you may think some of these are silly and not worthy mentioning because they didn’t bother you. Well great, but they did bother someone else. Or some of you think you know that close friend or relative well enough to say things without offending her. Just remember that you might be wrong. The almighty hormones are running amok and a woman who would have laughed at a jab pre-pregnancy just might not take it the same way while the bun is in the oven. Just do yourselves, and especially the pregnant ladies in your life a favor and try to take this list into account.
1. You look pregnant – This was actually mentioned by my panel, if you will, nearly across the board. Now, I get how this one especially could seem harmless, but think about it for a second. While looking pregnant as opposed to chunky monkey seems like a positive, it still just points out the obvious fact she has a belly. Pregnant women can be especially sensitive but most women can be sensitive about the way they look anyway. Similar comments like oh wow you’re showing, I can see that pooch or geez you really popped are all safer on the no, no list. Even if you mean it in the most sincerely kind way, there are much better ways to put it that sound like a compliment rather than a slam. Try you’re rockin’ that bump, oh how cute is your little baby belly or wow, you’re really glowing instead.
2. It’s just your hormones – So typically men are the culprits on this one, but I’m sure women have said it too. In some ways this one surprises me and in others, not at all. We all know women of childbearing age have “that time of the month” every month. And I bet if we polled men everywhere about 99% of them would admit to getting swatted or at least reamed for tossing out this phrase to a woman in their lives at some point. So I have to ask, did you not learn your lesson? It’s those same hormones that wreak havoc throughout pregnancy, they’re just on steroids, so um, why poke the bear? Blaming a meltdown or even just a simple reaction on the good old hormones isn’t fair. It basically invalidates the woman’s feelings because you’re implying she wouldn’t be acting this way otherwise. Who is anyone else to say how she would feel in the absence of the hormones? Sure, there could be a mini tantrum over Christmas decorations or a full on crying spell because the Kroger she stopped at was out of strawberry cream cheese and then a half an hour later she’s laughing it off and blaming the hormones herself. But maybe not. The understanding approach is definitely the way to go even if you’re 100% sure it’s just the hormones talking. Fix the problem if you can, change the subject to make her smile or give her a freaking hug. Whatever you do, just don’t blame the hormones.
3. Wow, you’re huge – Okay seriously?! When in the history of the world has it ever been okay to comment on a woman’s weight? Um, NEVER. So why on Earth would the rules suddenly change because she’s pregnant? Regardless of how far along she is, a woman who has a big belly and/or has gained a lot of pregnancy weight is well aware and probably doesn’t feel great about it. So yea, just go ahead and remind her of it while simultaneously pointing it out to anyone in the vicinity and embarrass the crap out of her. Don’t ask if it’s twins or if she’s due that day. Don’t tell her she looks like she’s ready to pop. And for God’s sake do not ask her how much weight she’s gained. Honestly, people, get a hobby! If you even think any one of these comments or questions, just ask yourself if you’d like something that would upset or embarrass you brought to your attention. A pregnant woman’s body is none of your damn business.
4. Natural labor is really the best/You should definitely get an epidural, ect – Right, because you’re the expert on making decisions about someone else’s birth plan. Freedom of speech, entitlement to one’s own opinions, blah blah blah we know. But really it’s not your place to tell a woman how she should bring her baby into the world. Maybe she totally agrees with you and the point is moot. But maybe she hasn’t decided yet or maybe she’s dead set on the one opposed to yours. Or possibly there are risk factors at play that limit her options from a safety or medical standpoint that you know nothing about. And she shouldn’t have to explain them to you or defend her choice at all for that matter. Natural/meds/induction/c-section might have been just perfect for you, but it doesn’t mean you should be preaching it to all the pregnant women you encounter unless of course they ask your thoughts on the subject.
5. I hope your labor wasn’t as terrible as mine – This one goes right along with #4. While you shouldn’t tell a woman which way is best to give birth, you also shouldn’t horrify her with your own traumatic experience. Or your co-worker’s daughter’s sister-in –law’s whole ordeal. What is the point of scaring her more than she probably already is? Is it really necessary to detail that specific complication or elaborate on everything that went wrong? If she asks, well, all bets are off. But don’t offer up your story or that story you heard about that’s probably been dramatized and changed almost completely through the grape vine by now. You had a quick, easy, nearly painless, dream birth? Okay, go ahead and tell her about that. Just save anything less than perfect for the movies.
6. Just be grateful that you’re pregnant – This one is a bit tricky. So many woman have difficulty conceiving or, for whatever reason, cannot ever carry a child. Even more have experienced a loss. Often they suffer in silence watching pregnant bellies grow around them and holding back tears as they ask questions they so desperately wish someone would be asking them. I know people who’ve been there and who are still there and I can’t even imagine that kind of pain. But I still don’t think it’s fair to chastise a pregnant woman for complaining about or even just discussing the not so glamourous side of pregnancy. Most likely miss preggers has not the slightest clue what you’re going through or have been through. Unless she’s someone you’ve confided in or you’ve made your struggles public, it’s not right to make her feel like crap about, well, feeling like crap. Just because she doesn’t feel blessed she has a life growing inside her while her head is in toilet for the tenth time that day doesn’t mean she isn’t grateful. I mean maybe she has actually been where you’ve been before. Regardless, if she’s not aware of your feelings, don’t be all high and mighty. Either sympathize with her and gently fill her in, change the subject or find a way out of the situation if it’s too much to handle.
7. That’s my cousin’s best friend’s dog’s name – Asking the mama to be if the baby has been named or if there are name choices on the table is fine in and of itself. But voicing strong opinions is just inappropriate and rude. Obviously if she’s considering or has even decided to name her child whatever name it may be, she personally likes that name. Maybe she dreamt of naming her child that since she was a little girl or she heard it somewhere and just fell in love. In any case, I can guarantee that your negative thoughts are not appreciated. Most names are not unique anymore so there’s a good chance you somehow know someone with that name. There is no good reason to report that you knew a girl named Rhonda in high school and she was a total slut or that your scummy ex-boyfriend was a Derrick. Those associations could ruin a carefully picked name in a second and that’s just wrong. Maybe the name is one you’ve never heard, doesn’t seem quite right to go with the last name or is difficult (in your book) to spell or pronounce. Well, don’t name your kid that. Let the pregnant woman keep her excitement and keep your opposing thoughts to yourself. Is telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God worth hurting her feelings?
8. Good luck with parenthood! – Obviously this applies to first time moms. If you mean this genuinely then I’m not talking to you. I’m looking at the rest of you who say it sarcastically like having a baby is the worst decision she ever made and hell is on the horizon. Come on parents, do you really hate your kids? Do you truly wish you could take it all back and pretend it never happened? Is is really so bad that all the goodness is outweighed? If you are talking to a first time mom, tell her about all the exciting things she has to look forward to! Don’t offer unwanted parenting advice, don’t go on and on about the sleepless nights and things never being the same (like it’s a bad thing) and the total shit show that is parenthood. Probably she isn’t so disillusioned that she thinks it will be all smooth sailing and easy breezy. But if she doesn’t have kids yet, don’t burst her happy pregnant bubble. I’m not saying you have to sugar coat everything, she’s pregnant, not an idiot. Positivity is just so much more well received. Warning her about all the scary, nerve-racking, pain in the ass things that come with parenthood is overwhelming and stressful. She’ll figure it all out in good time. Let her enjoy the time she still has with the tiny munchkin inside.
Whew, I’m exhausted. Is it time for Grey’s Anatomy yet? Now I’ve either slapped your wrists and made you feel like a bunch of asses or told off everyone you and your pregnant belly have been dying to, have a happy Thursday!
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