Baby #2 Mom Guilt: Part I

This is such a difficult topic for me to write about. I've gone back and forth for a long time now wondering if I should even share my experience, afraid I'll inadvertently offend someone or be judged for my feelings. But after a lot of thought I've decided that now is the time to put it all out there. And maybe anyone else who has found herself in this situation can take comfort in knowing that she isn't alone. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Fallon there was nothing but positive emotions. I was so excited, overjoyed, just completely thrilled to know that I was going to have a baby. Although she was a bit of a surprise, it was simply because it happened sooner than expected. We were as ready as any couple can be to start a family. Chris and I had discussed having another child, if possible, close in age to our first. But after Fallon was born my feelings started to change. She wasn't a sleep all the time kind of baby. We struggled with breastfeeding in the beginning then she ended up ditching the bottle when everything clicked in that department. So we were attached 24/7 whether I needed a break or not. She cried so much we worried it wasn't normal, though we could never find a reason for it other than her fiery personality. I had postpartum anxiety that peaked when Fallon was about 9 months old and I had a fleeting moment when I thought maybe she would be an only child. As she neared the one year milestone though I realized I definitely wanted to give her a sibling, just maybe in a few years. But there was another plan for us. 

My doctor said it was normal for a woman's body to remain infertile through the duration of exclusive breastfeeding. This was true for me until Fallon was about 11 months old. I wrote down that date because I had an annual checkup scheduled the following month and ladies, we all know that's the famous question. But so many people told me things don't always go back to the way they were before so I wasn't entirely sure it even counted. None the less, there are things you do when you want to have a baby and things you do when you don't. We were in the latter camp. Fallon turned one in early July and we had the best time celebrating our baby girl. My anxiety was waning significantly and life was starting to feel less overwhelming and more fun. A few weeks later Fallon and I were strolling the aisles of Target and she knocked something off a shelf. As I reached down to pick it up I had a moment like something you see in a movie. Cue the music and/or slow motion, one of those things that lets you know this scene is something of huge significance. It was a pregnancy test. 

I held it in my hand as I was looking to see that date in June I had written down. And a little tingle down the back of my spine urged me to buy that test. But all the way home I felt a horribly unwelcome sense of dread. I was afraid it was going to be positive. And that feeling was immediately followed by guilt. So much guilt. Here I am, a young healthy woman with the means to carry and support another new life, hoping for the opposite. How dare I feel this way when I personally know people who would probably give a kidney to see a positive pregnancy test? And how awful of a mother am I for having all these negative feelings about another baby when there was nothing but happiness over his or her sibling? What a terrible way to begin a pregnancy. I was so internally conflicted I didn't even want to take the test. And I didn't breath a word to anyone. That afternoon I couldn't take it anymore and took one of the 2 tests in the box. And it came up negative. 

I stood there waiting for the relief to wash over me, followed by the guilt for that feeling. It never came. Instead, I shocked myself by simply feeling.....dissapointed. Huh?! That's right, I was actually kind of sad. I had been in our first floor bathroom as Fallon was in the living room. I was in such a state of confusion I tossed the test into the metal garbage can, that should have a bag in it but never does. I went through the next few hours in a fog, running on autopilot. Another trip to the bathroom caused me to pick the test back up to throw away in the kitchen garbage can where my toddler wouldn't get to it (ew). And when it hit the light my eyes went wide. There was a second line. I swore I could see it, albeit faint, I saw it. It was far past the recommended time frame to read a result but there was a line. I didn't sleep that night. First thing in the morning I took the other test and watched it like a hawk. Sure enough, that second line came up. And all those familiar feelings that hit me when I learned I was growing my first baby came flooding back immediately. It was the most insane emotional roller coaster in less than 24 hours. 

28 Weeks: Hello Third Trimester

I remember when I was pregnant with Fallon at this point and some people kindly corrected me when I proudly said I was in my third trimester. When I shared this with my OB she laughed and said of course you are in your third trimester, who am I to argue?! But really, some charts do say 28 weeks, some say 29. It depends who you ask but I'm going with 28 weeks and that's that. 

I go back to the doctor next week to see how much my belly has grown and how much weight I've gained but I am feeling pretty large these days. Mostly due to the fact that my lungs are so smushed I'm constantly feeling out of breath, and I don't just mean a little winded, I mean like I'm running an all day marathon. On the up side I am usually able to sleep like the dead when I crash at night until Fallon wakes me before the sun comes up. The pins + needles feeding in my hands and arms has begun again, just like last time, but heartburn is nearly nonexistent! I am a kind of exhausted I've never known at the end of each day but thankfully back pain is minimal and other symptoms are just kind of annoying noise in the background of everything else going on. 

This baby is quite active throughout the day but remains so much gentler than my toddler ever was. Looking back on pictures of my first pregnancy I am pretty much carrying the same way size wise but my belly is a bit rounder this time. I still don't have any feelings on the sex myself but the general consensus from others is girl this time around. It was boy last time for reference and clearly I have a daughter. We've yet to buy anything on my second baby must have list, even though it's fairly short, and the nursery hasn't been touched. Second kid problems. We still have 3 months, right?! I'll probably be saying the same thing in March but we will be down to 3 weeks. Shrugs. 

I definitely have not kept up with a work out routine like I was able to do with Fallon, but carrying + chasing Fallon and going up and down the steps approximately 3 million times a day has kept my energy levels from completely tanking. I do wear some off my maternity shirts but being home this time I'm mostly in leggings and tunic tops or sweatshirts and quite honestly pjs all day far too often. The last time I wore jeans I just did the ol' rubber band trick but we may be beyond that now. I'll have to check and report back. Since we've reached the final stretch of pregnancy number 2 I'd like to do updates every 2 weeks through the end so hold me accountable!

11 Months Of Fallon

So this is the very last monthly update before we hit the big 1 year mark. Can you even believe it?! I've said before and I'll say it again, I adore my daughter and of course have loved her through each month. But the more she grows and learns and is able to do things on her own the more fun it gets!

We all thought Fallon would skip crawling since she seemed so against it for awhile and never liked the all fours position. Well, girlfriend is still scooting along, dragging that left foot and avoiding the traditional crawl like a pro. We call her the spider monkey because she moves so flipping fast! She is also now cruising around furniture and the side of the baby pool and even taking steps while holding our hands in the water. It's only a matter of time before she decides to just go for it. That's how she does just about everything! 

She's had 8 teeth fully in for a couple months now but 4 more on top are making their way down. She'll have a nice set of chompers to dig into her first birthday cake next month for sure. Finally I've heard the word mama come out of her mouth but it's usually still dada or garbled attempts at kitty cat doggie and thank you. Not being able to communicate in the way that she wants to is often very frustrating for her and ends in massive meltdowns. Girlfriend is intense about all of her emotions. So on the upside, she smiles with her entire body and when she's happy it's unavoidably infectious. 

We can't get over how sweetly affectionate she is becoming, giving hugs, touching faces and loving on her furry siblings and stuffed animals. She even says "awwww" when she does it! Baby gate is going up because little bit can scale the steps all too easily. And one of her favorite things to do in the house is crawl around from dog bed to dog bed. Ours sit up off the ground a few inches so she climbs her way on and off and on and off and I get tired just watching her. 

Oh baby girl you are just as fun as you are exhausting. And I mean that in the best possible way. We are looking forward to a summer of birthday celebrations, early morning park walks, pool days and catching lighting bugs in the yard. The 1 year countdown is on!

10 Months Of Fallon

It's official, we've got a mover and a shaker on our hands. Fallon is scooting all over the house and she's super fast! She's pulling to stand and working very hard on standing on her own from sitting. Our ten month old has experienced several firsts this month including her first bout of HFM, a double ear infection and an allergic reaction to red dye. She also traveled via airplane for the second time in her young life and went on a cruise that took her outside the country! 

There aren't any new teeth in her tiny mouth just yet but she's showing all signs of hard core teething again so we're betting which one will come through next. Fallon has reached a new level of interaction now and it is so fun to watch her point, wave hi and bye and purposely snuggle us! She continues to sleep through the night, gimme 10!, and naps most days at least for a little bit. 

Of course she's still fooling the world into thinking she's the happiest baby on the block because she usually is when we're out and about. At home, well, she's started this new thing. Tantrums. Holy flippin' Mariah Carey tantrums. Girlfriend will scream if she doesn't get what she wants and throw herself dramatically on the ground, kick, flail and throw whatever else is offered to her. It's like a 2 year old trapped in a 10 month old body. Can we all say DIVA?!

But we love her from her head to her monkey toes. And while I patiently (not) wait for her to say anything resembling "mama" she's getting really good at "dada", "uh-oh" and "hi". Because why bother saying "mama" when she's always around and all you have to do is reach for her? Wink, wink. 

9 Months Of Fallon

Fallon's 9 month check-up was yesterday morning and our pediatrician said she's all legs, eyes and brains. Can't ask for much more. Our baby girl is now 17lbs 8oz and 27.25 inches tall. She has 8 tiny teeth in her mouth and isn't afraid to use them! We're still going strong with breastfeeding so yea, the teeth are a little scary. But mostly she just uses them to chomp on all the food she's eating. Green beans are her least favorite but she's still never met a food she won't eat. Whose kid is this?!

She's hated tummy time and being on her back (except for sleeping) for months, girlfriend just likes to be upright. But in the last week or so she's become mobile in her funny little half crawl, half scoot way. She can pretty much get where she wants to go and get there pretty fast! I will take chasing over screaming every single day. She's often trying to push up to stand and pull herself up on, well, everything. Her little voice is so cute and we get to hear it all the time as she babbles away, happy screams and tries to mimic the sounds we make to her. 

Blocks are still among the favorite toys and her activity cube, and she kind of dances to the ones that play music. She waves but almost never if I ask her to and is always smiling at other babies. She's also really into having books read to her and likes to grab them out of the basket in her room. We read Goodnight Moon every night and I Love You Through and Through almost every day. She's so curious and friendly, it would be hard not to fall right in love with her. But I'm kind of biased and I still can't believe this little 9 month old is mine. 

8 Months Of Fallon

Although she's not growing quite as fast as she was in the earlier months, all of a sudden my baby is starting to look more like a toddler. She still has yet to turn down any type of food, but she definitely has her preferences: cheese and PB, just like her mama! So far broccoli is her favorite veggie, she especially loves the trees, and blackberries are her favorite fruit, she will even eat them before her beloved pancakes. We give her flavored teething biscuits and she's recently started offering them to her pups (and occasionally to us) to share. It's the cutest ever and she didn't even get mad when Ares took her up on her offer. We don't want to discourage sharing, there's nothing in those biscuits that will hurt our dogs, and as long as they aren't breaking any house rules, fair is fair. 

Speaking of teething, she still just has her 2 bottom teeth in but she's been working so hard on the top right canine. This week it has finally started to look like it might break through any day now so hopefully she will get a bit of relief. Overall, it's been making her pretty fussy when she's not too busy eating, playing or "singing". She is really starting to use her voice and discover all the sounds she can make. I've finally come to terms with the fact that she's said her first word, dada. I mean c'mon, I carried and delivered her and take care of her all day long and she looks right at him and says dada but just smiles when I try to get her to say mama. Hashtag whatever. I do love seeing Chris light up when she says it although he pretends like it's no big deal. 

Still no crawling going on but she does go forward onto her hands and knees from a sitting position. And then cries. We've even tried to bait her with food but she's too smart for our tricks. Can't blame the girl for choosing a free ride while she can get it. We are trying to teach her a bit of sign language so maybe she will be less frustrated when she can't tell us what she wants. So far though all she does is wave hello or goodbye. It's pretty freaking cute because she uses her fingers, not just her whole hand, and I'm pretty sure she made our favorite Starbucks barista's entire year yesterday showing him her new skill. Next up is her first St. Patty's Day, 9 month appointment and vacation! 

Birth Story Disappointment

You know those pictures of babies laying on mom's chest right after they are born? Or the ones with dad in scrubs proudly holding up baby next to mom's smiling face on the operating table? I hate to admit this but while I certainly appreciate the beauty of them, they make me sad. They make me jealous. They make me feel the sting of disappointment because I don't have any like them. It's not because we forgot to take any. It's because we weren't able to. 

The 5 seconds I got to hold Fallon after her breathing was stabilized and before they whisked her away to the NICU and left me behind

You can read Fallon's birth story here if you haven't already. A day that should have been one of the happiest of my life was actually the scariest. I don't get all the warm fuzzies telling my little girl's birth story. I don't smile fondly remembering it. I don't feel excited to talk about it with Fallon one day. I'm totally jaded by my experience and I hate that. I'm so utterly and completely ashamed that I feel like this but it's been on my heart for too long to keep inside. The truth is, I'm mad that things happened the way they did. I'm upset that I don't well up with happiness when I think about it. I feel like I was robbed of the wonderfulness the birth of a baby is supposed to be. And I'm just honestly kind of pissed off about all these negative emotions existing where only positive one should be. 

People say you don't remember the pain, the physical and mental exhaustion, the graphic and gory details of labor and delivery. Wrong. So wrong. I do. I remember exactly the way the contractions felt when my epidural suddenly wore off while pushing. I remember exactly how my muscles ached and my mind tried to shut down. I remember exactly the horror of seeing my oh so pale baby girl for the first time and knowing immediately she was not okay. And that last part is the one that kills me. A moment that should have been filled with nothing but elation instead took my breath away in the very worst kind of way. 

After learning I was the mother of a baby girl and she was far too briefly plopped on my chest, my first words were nothing short of heartbreaking. They say the brain has the amazing ability to block out events too painful for the mind to handle. I don't remember screaming "why isn't she crying" over and over in a state of panic but my husband can't forget it. 

Yes, we were among the lucky ones whose story has a happy ending. So part of me feels ridiculous for complaining about a not so fairytale-like birth story. But I can't stop the disappointment, the angry tears, the wishing it was different feelings from bubbling up every time I think about it. Why didn't I get to snuggle my fresh newborn? Why couldn't I be right there to comfort her while she took her first look around this big scary world? Why wasn't I able to hold her and let her know she was safe right there in mama's arms? 

Nearly 8 months after Fallon's birth, I've accepted her story. I absolutely still wish I could change it, but I've come to terms with it. And I've decided that I'm allowed to be upset about it. I'm allowed to feel the negative feelings. I'm allowed to wish things happened differently. But what I need to focus on is that we came home with a healthy baby girl. She survived. Really that's what matters. And one day maybe I'll have a positive spin on the whole thing. 

Now excuse me while I go creep into that perfect sleeping baby girl's room and snuggle her to give me all the happy feelings. 

A Letter To My Little Girl

Dear Fallon,

Happy first half birthday my precious little girl. In some ways it feels like 6 months has flown by and in others it's like I've been your mama my whole life. There are no words to describe how very much daddy and I love you but we do our best every day. 

You have grown to a healthy 15 lbs 13 oz and you are 26ish inches long. It's always hard to get a precise measurement of your height because you're constantly kicking those long, long legs. You love  when mommy sings Itsy Bitsy Spider and calm down when your Pop hums with you in his arms. Daddy can send you into a fit of giggles tossing you around and making silly sounds. You love picking up everything you're able to get your sweet little hands on and investigating, especially mama's phone and the remote control. The poor kitties may be bald in the next few weeks if you keep "petting" them like you do. Your love for animals is already very strong and daddy and I can't wait to teach you all the sounds they make and go on many adventures at the zoo. We often call you our little monkey because you like to use your feet to do things almost as much as your hands. You've yet to meet a food you won't eat and you're so close to sitting up all by yourself. There's no teeth in that gummy smile just yet but don't you worry, we'll give you all the good stuff as soon as you can eat it! 

Sweet baby girl, your personality is shining through more and more each day and we couldn't possibly love it more. You're stubborn and willful and do things on your time. You're friendly and flirty with all the nice people we meet when we're out. You're smart and sassy and oh so curious. You want to do things by yourself, just as long as mommy or daddy is right there by your side. You're just perfect the way you are and you not ever let anybody tell you different. 

Being your mama is the best job in the whole world and I want you to know that no matter what you do, I will always be here to love you.

XOXO
Mama

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas!!! I hope you all had the best day with your families and friends and some of you are probably still celebrating! There's this month long build up, all the anticipation and fun things leading up to the big day and then it's all over, just like that. Another Christmas in the books. But this year was so, so special spending it with our baby girl. 

Every Christmas Eve my parents host an open house for family, friends and neighbors. Honestly I probably enjoy Christmas Eve just as much as Christmas Day and look forward to seeing people I may not not have even seen since the party the year before. When my sister and I were little the party would end in the early evening and we would head over the river and through the woods to Grandpa's house. It was always one of Santa's first stops so we would walk in and see all the presents under the tree. We opened gifts, ate too many cookies and my dad would carry us half awake out to the car. This year we've resurrected the tradition for miss Fallon and let Santa know my parents' house should be one of his first stops. He got the message and apparently Fallon was on the nice list because she got a sweet little sack full of gifts. I'm already excited to see what he leaves in that bag for her next year. 

Christmas Day Chris and I used to run around all over town to spend time with everyone in our families. This year we hosted them all at our house for Christmas morning brunch and it was the best idea ever. We stayed in our pjs and opened presents while chowing down and Fallon took a nice long nap upstairs when she got tired. She was in such a good mood later on that we headed to my aunt and uncle's house so she could meet my dad's extended family. 

We've spent today playing with all Fallon's new toys and cleaning up from yesterday's festivities. It is so much fun to see her excitement and wonder and really I could play with her for hours. I don't wish her to grow up too fast but being able to interact more with her, teach her things and help her to develop new skills is amazing. We are so very thankful for the generosity of our families and friends but our greatest gift this year is having a baby girl to celebrate with. 

5 Months of Fallon

Nothing makes your baby look so friggin big like seeing her next to a younger baby. Having my friend's 8 week old son around 3 days a week now makes Fallon seem like such a big girl. She's sitting up with minimal assistance, eating solids and bouncing around in her jumperoo and it's hard to believe she's already 5 months old. 

So far Fallon has not met a food she won't eat. She definitely loves bananas, apples and pears and could leave peas but she's eaten everything we've given her so far. Nursing is still where she gets the majority of her calories but we are very proud of what a good little eater she is proving to be. So far no teeth yet but she's gnawing the crap of out pretty much anything she can get her little hands on. Reading books has become one of her favorite things to do and she loves to help me turn the pages and look at all the illustrations. She's very into touching everything and feeling different textures, which is so hilarious to watch. Petting her kitties is very exciting and sometimes she gets a little too rough so we're working on it! I never thought I would say this but we finally have somewhat of a nap schedule down. The majority of the time our little Fally sleeps well at night, waking once or twice to nurse. She's wearing size 6-9 or 6-12 clothes to cover those long, long legs but we will not know her weight until her next check-up in January.

We are so excited to celebrate our little 5 month old's first Christmas this month!!!