The Whole Truth and Nothin but the Truth

Scrolling through your Instagram feed you probably see countless perfect pictures of smiling babies, clean kitchens and mamas who look well rested. It is easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to all these people and their lifestyles and wonder why the hell the rest of us have screaming kids, dirty dishes in the sink and bags under our eyes. The truth is, those pictures are a mere moment in time. Business owners and bloggers fool us into thinking they never stay in PJs all day stressing over the piles of laundry or have a bad hair day. But real life is what happens in between those pictures, it's just that no one really wants to see it because we're all living it. I am the first to admit I'm guilty of posting pretty pictures. But I am also the first to admit that they certainly do not tell the whole story. 

Truth: Fallon is not the happiest baby on the block. In fact, she's far from it. She rarely naps for longer than 30 minutes and if she's not sleeping or eating she expects to be entertained. I spend most of my day trying to keep her occupied by whatever ridiculous means necessary, including sweating my ass off and getting eaten alive by bugs on our deck because she loves to be outside. 

Truth: More days than not I wear pajamas until I change into my work out clothes. Sometimes I actually get to work out and then shower and put new pajamas on, or maybe even the same ones!

Truth: I have a 2 outfit rule for Fallon. If she shits or spits up on the second one she goes naked. This pretty much happens every day so I am constantly stain treating and washing baby clothes.

Truth: I used to wash my hair 3 times a week. Now I wash it once a week. I'd love to say it's for the sake of healthy hair but mostly it's because I don't have time. When your kid is crying or appears to be sleeping but you know your time is super limited you take the fastest shower possible. Thank God for dry shampoo.

Truth: Sure we go places and I do occasionally fix my hair and wear something cute. But it takes 3 times as long to get ready and get out of the house than it should. I'm either running back and forth to put Fallon's pacifier back in her mouth or jingle her toys or I end up just holding her in one hand and using the other to do my makeup. It's a production that leaves me too tired to do much of anything else after we get home.

Truth: It takes approximately 82 shots to get that perfect picture of Fallon and the best ones of both of us are the ones in between the shots I was going for. I often dress her just for the picture and set up with blankets and props and stand over her making faces and shaking rattles. I almost always edit and use a filter before posting.

My point is, the truth is life beyond the pictures. On a typical day it's 10AM before I can even consider doing something productive. And as soon as I start I get interrupted every 1.5 minutes by Fallon or a dog or myself because I have a million things on my mind and get distracted. Every day starts with coffee and usually ends with a glass of wine or a beer. Fallon is most likely in only a diaper by noon and I have spit up or shit on the nursing tank I slept in. My hair is so familiar with topknots it practically does itself. I sweep and mop the floors with Fallon in my wrap and may or may not count that as a cardio work out. There are days I get the nails on one hand painted but not the other. By 7PM I'm trying all the things just to keep little miss calm until bath time, her favorite. She screams like the air is on fire when she has to get out and I am literally all of out fucks to give at that point I don't even bother trying to wrangle her into pjs. I half ass it and nurse her until she's falling asleep before I finish the job. I like pretty pictures just like the next girl. But just remember that the truth is probably that smiling baby picture is one between 50 others of her crying, that clean kitchen is the only non disaster area in the house and camera angles plus editing tools make puffy eyes disappear. The truth is, real life is messy and not really all that pretty. The truth is we share the moments in between the total shit show. The truth is perfection is an illusion. 

So here's to all you coffee drinking, baby wearing, pjs all day believing mamas just trying to get through the day. The truth is, we love it even when we don't and that's the whole truth and nothin' but the truth. 

Roots

National Dog Day was last week so of course I had to do a little photo shoot with my crew. I'm getting back to my roots with this post, where The Ruff Life all began. We have come a long way from the wild, ill mannered puppy days and I am so proud of my dogs. Even though they've learned to listen and obey, it doesn't change those little personality quirks we know and love about them. Ares is always going to push the limits as far as he can, Chaos will forget the rules in his excitement over people on occasion and Trinity is going to find herself in trouble without even realizing it because, well, she's a bit of a ditz. Of course these are the traits that make them who they are and we wouldn't ever want to change a bit of that. We love them flaws and all, just like they do us. 

I've posted countless pictures of the pups on this blog and social media and I always find it funny when I'm asked how I get them to pose for me or what camera I use to shoot. Here's the thing guys, I have extremely limited photography knowledge. I use my iPhone and I'm completely clueless about lighting, camera angels and using a real camera. For the sake of my audience I have vaguely familiarized myself with a few editing programs but mostly I just use Instagram filters. Most shots are 100% candid. I see a kiddo doing something cute, grab my phone and snap away. If I want something specific for a post it usually involves Chris giving commands and me jumping around taking a million pictures and editing later. What I'm trying to say is, all these pictures are made possible because my dogs are so damn photogenic and usually cooperative. They've grown this blog with their adorable faces with little effort from me so they deserve all the credit. 

The Ruff Life was created to share stories of a pet parent with two crazy pups and a middle aged diva cat. We've since gained a daddy, moved into a new house and added a few furry and human siblings along the way. But I haven't forgotten where we started. This blog has become so much more than silly stories and furball antics. It has become my creative outlet, my platform for personal growth, my productive hobby, my connection with people who share my outlook on life and my memory book. None of this would have happened without my dogs. So this is me thanking them for their inspiration and unconditional love. I appreciate them more than I could ever say. Their waggly tails in the morning and their sleepy eyes as they obediently trot off to bed will never get old. Whoever said dog is man's best friend absolutely nailed it on the head. My dogs are more than just pets, they are 4 legged furry family members. We've all grown and changed and so too has this blog but I can promise you I'll never forget why it all began or stop posting about these sweet faces. 

Thank you babies!

All Dogs Go to Heaven

I write this post with a heavy heart. It's been a week now since we had to say goodbye to our sweet girl Tigger and I am just now able to find the words to say. Everything just happened so fast and we are still in a bit of shock.

After Christmas we welcomed Trinity and Tigger into our new home. They were Chris's dogs when he lived at home and they stayed there until we were able to bring them to our house with a fenced in yard. Shortly after Tigger arrived, we discovered a lump on her mammary gland and had it removed. Luckily she was in superb health otherwise for an old gal, did well with the surgery and it turned out to be a low grade cancer that the vet wasn't too worried about returning. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when we were getting ready to schedule a 6 month check-up and warning signs started to appear. All of a sudden she lost her appetite and started heavily favoring her right front leg. We thought maybe arthritis with her age and when we added wet food to her diet she ate with abandon. But then an odd growth appeared on the side of her nose. Both Ares and Chaos have had harmless skin tags that looked gross but stopped growing and fell off without treatment. Unfortunately more spots started to appear overnight and a biopsy confirmed it was melanoma. We immediately scheduled an appointment with a specialist but within days of the diagnosis the seizures began. If you've never seen a dog seize, I hope you never have to. Chris called our vet after the first one, last Saturday morning, and she said to take her to the animal ER if it happened again. Sure enough, it did within hours, so we went to ER where she was given a shot to prevent any more seizures for 12 hours. The medication only held them off for the expected amount of time and then early Sunday they returned. I had a prescription filled as soon as the pharmacy opened but over the next 24 hours she had several more seizures. Chris took her out to see our regular vet on Monday and on the way she seized twice. One look from the vet and Chris knew it was time to let her go. The cancer was so aggressive it had spread to her brain and a $3,000 MRI was only going to confirm that and give us no further options. 

I have never been in the position to have to make the choice to let an animal go. Y'all know we consider our furbabies family members and this was beyond difficult. But Tigger was suffering immensely, things were only going to get worse and there was no medical treatment to give her any quality of life. The right thing certainly isn't always this easiest and when Chris broke the news to me I broke into a fit of sobs. I'm not a big crier but my kids are my world and I felt like a piece of my heart was being taken. Chris buried Tigger in the field at his dad's house under a tree in the pouring rain. She was such a smart, happy girl and it was a joy to have her in our home for the end of her life. I am so thankful that she was able to meet Fallon and so, so glad I snapped this final picture of her with our baby girl. We continue to mourn this loss and only time will heal the wounds. Some say dogs do not have souls but I know better. Not only do dogs have souls, they are pure of heart and I am positive that they all go straight to heaven. Fallon has another angel to watch over her. 

Tigger, we loved you so much and will miss you every day.

Why I Don't Sleep When the Baby Sleeps

Blanket / Dress / Bow

When you are a first time mom so many people will tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps. And it's pretty sound advice for most of us. But then there's me. 

The first problem is that Fallon is not your typical sleepy newborn. Some days she naps for 40 minutes and some days for a few hours. It's completely random and inconsistent and I'm not even bothering to try and force her into a daytime schedule at this point. I've never been great at napping because it doesn't do any good for me. I end up feeling groggy and sluggish afterward and worse than if I had just stayed awake and done something productive.

Outfit / Blanket

When your kid doesn't nap, it can be a challenge to get shit done around the house. Of course Chris helps out but he works 50+ hours a week and it's really nice spending time as a family when he is home, especially because it's usually during the day when Fallon is awake. I also am fully aware that it's not essential to have the laundry done and the dishes put away all the time. I can ignore the layer of dust on the mantel for longer than I usually would and not sweat it. However, I can't just let everything go and have us living in filth. If you've forgotten, we share a home with furry family members and that sort of ups the ante on cleaning. 

I just had my postpartum checkup and received the all clear from my doctor to resume normal exercise. I worked out until the day I went into labor so I've been itching to get back to my old routines and work up a sweat. While there are some workouts I can do with Fallon, most of the time I need a good half an hour to just do my thing. 

Bodysuit

Clearly blogging has taken a back seat at the moment but it is definitely something that has become a part of me, something I enjoy and something I would like to continue doing. But it requires my full concentration and focus. It's also really hard to type with one hand and extremely distracting to have to constantly stick the pacifier back in someone's mouth after she spits it out 75 times. 

Having a baby is a job, arguably the best job ever, but a job none the less. I'm mom all the time and sometimes mom just needs a little break. So for me, it's more important to clean, workout or blog than to sleep. I'm a better mom when I don't feel anxious about dog hair all over the floor, when I feel healthy and strong after a workout or when I do something fun and enjoyable like blogging. I know sleep is important so I do go to bed when I put Fallon to bed and sleep when she sleeps at night. Luckily she usually sleeps in longer chunks so although I'm usually tired from waking up several times to nurse, I am getting a decent amount of sleep. Every mama is different and this is just what works for me. So if your kid naps and you do too, great! Do what is best for you and don't let anybody tell you it's wrong (unless you're me time includes a whole bottle of whisky). 

Onesie / Bow

P.S. Is it Friday yet? No. Okay, happy Wednesday then. 

This Whole Mom Thing

Is HARD. And EXHAUSTING. And absolutely freaking AMAZING. 

Is coffee with breakfast and wine with dinner. 

Is blood, sweat, tears and kisses, cuddles, smiles. 

Is piles of laundry, dirty dishes and a never ending to-do list. 

Is a lot less sleep and a lot more love. 

Is feeling like a complete failure and a total badass in the same day.

Is omg she's hungry AGAIN and omg I forgot to eat AGAIN.

Is counting poopy diapers, checking that she's still breathing and taking faster showers than you ever thought possible.

Is jogging up and down the stairs with her in the carrier, pushing the stroller around the house and rocking 40 thousand times to get her to take a nap.

Is wondering how you ever lived without her.

Is falling in love with your husband all over again. 

Is stress, worry and guilt, happiness, appreciation and contentment. 

Is deciding whether you should laugh, cry or drink a beer.

Is pajamas all day and up all night. 

Is realizing your bladder capacity when there's a sleeping baby on your chest.

Is ridiculous baby talk even though you can't stand your own voice when you play back the video.

Is learning to do everything with one hand.
Is dry shampoo, leggings and topknots on repeat.

Is taking way too many pictures and over sharing them.

Is thinking she is the cutest baby that ever lived, even when she's screaming.

Is both the craziest and best damn thing you've ever done.

Is by far the greatest accomplishment. 

1 Month of Fallon

I can't believe it either, my baby girl is a whole month old. Fallon loves bath time, she is just a little water baby. I can't even wait to get her in a pool next summer. Bring on the baby bikinis (and don't tell dad!). She also likes car rides and even went on her very first road trip last week to see her Aunt Liv become a doctor! We are so proud. Those long legs were meant for kicking and miss Fallon gives them quite a work out when she gets in the mood. She makes all kinds of silly faces and I go a little crazy taking pictures. One day she'll be embarrassed but I'll never regret capturing those sweet moments. 

The past few days our girl has been going through some nervous system changes and not been too happy about it. Until this point she's been a great sleeper at night but boycotts naps just like her mama. We are really starting to get the hang of breastfeeding and you would think she's at least 10 lbs with her appetite but she remains pretty petite with a bit of a buddha belly. I am loving being her mama and can't wait to see her little personality come out more and more each day. 

Happy one month baby girl!

You Asked, I Answered: Labor & Delivery

Okay y'all I'm going waaayyy out of comfort zone on this one so I hope you appreciate it! I've gotten so many questions regarding my labor and delivery after sharing Fallon's birth story. I was a little surprised at first with how personal some of them were but then again, I know first hand that there are a lot of things about the experience that not many people talk about. While I did have some friends tell me a thing or 2 about what really goes down when you're giving birth, it of course was not the same story for everyone. So, I'm just going to break through the wall and lay it all out there. I compiled the questions most asked and decided to go ahead and give the real, honest answers in all their nitty gritty glory. This one isn't for the faint of heart but I'm doing this because I love you and love that you're still following along.

How did you know you were in labor?

- This is a big one for first time mamas and it can be totally different for everyone. If you read my final pregnancy post or Fallon's birth story you know I was sent home from the hospital twice in the week and a half before I actually gave birth. Prolonged prodromal labor is pretty rare so I'll skip right to that fateful night that shit got real. Really real. I was having the same type of contractions I had been having every day since they started and felt different than Braxton Hicks. But looking back now, things started happening that could have tipped me off that day was going to be the day I just didn't realize it at the time. The nicest way I can put this is that my body cleaned itself out pretty well that day. Then there were the menstrual like cramps that started mid afternoon. I disregarded both as just 3rd trimester pregnancy symptoms. And finally early evening I was walking around and felt like I peed a little. Hey, it happens when a giant baby head is pressing on your bladder. It happened a few more times but I didn't for a second think it was my water breaking. The 2 things I knew to look for were either an obvious big gush of water like in the movies or feeing like I peed but enough that it soaked through my pants instead of a puddle at my feet. Neither of those things happened. I actually didn't even find out that was my water and not pee until AFTER I delivered. So probably an hour after I thought I was peeing my pants I was watching TV and the contractions started to hurt a lot more all of a sudden. I was having pain in my lower back but also in my entire pelvic region. I tried to go to bed but that lasted all of about 20 minutes before I was quickly in agonizing pain and feeling like I could not get any relief, even between the contractions. I was having trouble walking normally and could still hold a conversation but not with my eyes open (closing my eyes helped me deal with the pain). I called my doctor and she told me to go to the hospital and I told Chris it was time. It was terrible to sit down and I felt like someone was twisting a knife deep into my lower back at the same time as something very strong was squeezing my body from my lower belly to my thighs with an iron grip. When I was checked at the hospital I felt a pop and thought that was my water breaking. It was, but the nurse had been confused saying it felt like it had maybe already broken. I found out later I had a very slow leak aka the tiny amounts of "pee" from earlier. When it was really showtime, I knew 100%.

Did you tear?

- Ugh, this one makes me cringe. Of course this happens all the time. You're trying to push a bowling ball through a pin hole and sometimes it just won't quite fit. Something's gotta give. I had a first degree tear, the most common, so it was minimal. This is pretty surprising considering my girl came out shoulders front to back instead of side to side. I had a few stitches but honestly recovery hasn't been bad. I'm a pretty fast healer and have a fairly high pain tolerance so take this with a grain of salt. 

Did it hurt to push without the epidural?

- This one made me a chuckle a bit. I'm sure you're hoping the answer is no, it just stung a little. In short, hell yes it hurt. But my situation made things a little different. I was not expecting to have to deliver sans epidural, it just ended up happening that way so that was an unwelcome surprise and I wasn't prepared. Fallon was sideways and the vacuum was used so that kind of upped the ante in the pain department. I mean to put it bluntly, it felt like my body pelvis was ripping apart. But then you have the fact that at the point I had to push au natural we knew something was wrong with baby and I was terrified and just determined to get her out as fast as my body would let me. I'm sure my adrenaline levels were through the roof. I will tell you that there was no screaming or husband slapping or cussing at the nurses or crying. I just closed my eyes and used everything I had to push. 

Did you have to deliver the placenta?

- I actually did not even know about this until recently. Seriously, I had no idea that when you have a baby, that baby is not all that has to come out. I've heard some women have to push again to get it out, others it just comes out with the baby and some are like me. I was barely paying attention after delivering Fallon because a team of people was working on her across the room and I was just holding my breath and waiting to hear her cry or at least that she was okay. But I was slightly aware that my doctor just sort of tugged on the cord and pulled it out. I don't recommend looking, unless you find that kind of thing cool or fascinating. 

Did you poop?

- This is my favorite one. Yup, I'm going there. So apparently this does happen to the overwhelming majority of women during childbirth. You push with all the muscles down there and well, everything just all comes out whether you want it to or not. The nurses and the doctors don't care, they literally see that shit all the time and it's a totally normal part of the job. It's cleared away maybe even before you ever know it happened. But lots of women are terrified about it happening anyway. And after saying all that, nope I did not. And I am not just saying that because I'm embarrassed and fibbing. Guys, this post is so left field for me it would be pointless to be untruthful. I'm positive it didn't happen because nothing was taken out from  under me and thrown away while I was pushing. The nurses only ever touched my legs to help me push. Oh and my husband confirmed that i did not and he's honest to a fault. I just got lucky. Go ahead and hate me, I think I deserved to be spared this one considering everything else that happened before and after. Remember how I said my body cleaned itself out? I guess there was nothing left. There, now you know. 

Hopefully putting myself out there like this has been helpful and informative to some of you. And for those of you just curious, there you have it. Anyone who was appalled, offended or disgusted after reading this post, I'm sorry but most of the people had spoken and they wanted to know the dirty details. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stick my kid on the boob. Might as well tell it like it is now, right?