I've started this post probably 10 times before deciding there is no other way to begin then, well, the beginning. I was a breastfed baby. Most of my friends have or are currently breastfeeding their babies. Seeing or hearing about other people breastfeeding never phased me in the least. But thinking of doing it myself....CRINGE. The idea of breastfeeding my own baby totally freaked me out. I hoped that maybe my line of thinking would change once I was pregnant. Nope. So how did I end up writing a blog post about breastfeeding my 12 week old? Grab a snack kids because this is gonna be a long one.
I made the decision that I would at least give breastfeeding a shot. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out but for me, trying was important. Why? In all honesty the money saving aspect was appealing but there was also just that feeling. Something inside me was saying to go for it. Sounds kind of crazy, right? I wish I had a better answer for you but really, against all the discomfort and anxiety I felt about it, I just knew I had to try.
Of course I imagined I would get to nurse my baby for the first time shortly after birth. But my baby had other plans. After Fallon arrived at the children's hospital we learned she would need to stay strictly on fluids until the following day, no nursing. That first night a kind nurse brought in a breast pump, showed me how to use it and left me to it. I was running on adrenaline and after all that had happened after giving birth, learning to pump wasn't something I had time to worry over. I just did it, almost like I was on autopilot even though I had zero experience. I continued to get the hang of it throughout the night, making sure to pump every 3 hours to help my milk come in.
The next day I was finally allowed to try nursing Fallon. Here's where the real story begins. I knew almost immediately it wasn't going to work. After 24 hours on only fluids my baby was really hungry. She was hooked up to all kinds of wires that made it difficult and awkward to hold her without pulling something. The lactation specialist was very nice but I was beyond uncomfortable sitting there in the NICU with just a few screens between us and the rest of the room. She was trying to give me direction but Fallon was screaming before I could even attempt to get her into position. The following attempts over the next few hours failed miserably and I was getting frustrated. It wasn't because I felt bad that my baby wasn't nursing, like I was doing something wrong or that breastfeeding wasn't going to work out. I just wanted my little girl to be able to eat, period. I kept pumping but my milk hadn't arrived. We were hoping to go home the following day as Fallon was doing well in all other aspects aside from feeding but that was becoming less of a possibility the longer she didn't eat. Chris and I shared a look after another failed nursing attempt and I told the nurse that my baby needed a bottle. The medical team was hesitant because my plan was to breastfeed but I was adamant. It seemed incredibly selfish to continue to starve Fallon while attempting to force her to nurse when it clearly was just making her upset and agitated. She didn't want to take the bottle at first either, but it was a gentle refusal as opposed to the blood curdling screaming when trying to nurse. Never fear, daddy to the rescue. Chris held her upright, wiggled the bottle into her mouth and just like that, she was eating. I kept pumping and Chris kept bottle feeding her until we were discharged. I did continue attempting to nurse first at each feeding and she latched on our last try but was too lazy to suck. The lactation ladies had given me the tools to try at home on my own and I planned to, but I was just so beyond relieved that Fallon was eating at all.
During one of the failed nursing attempts one of the lactation consultants had me try a nipple shield. She said I was kind of flat on one side and maybe that was part of the reason Fallon wasn't latching. When she did finally latch, it was with the shield so I kept using it when we got home. It was a pain in the ass and I wish I wouldn't have used it at all. We were trying to force Fallon to do something she just wasn't ready for yet and that shield ended up being nothing but a hassle. My milk came in the night we came home and I felt like my chest was going to explode in the morning. Fallon had yet to nurse and pumping wasn't relieving the engorgement. I knew we had to make it happen and surprisingly, my husband ended up jumping right in. In the privacy of our home, with no wires in the way or strangers standing around, I nursed my baby for the first time. Chris helped me position her and talked me through the frustration of her not latching at first and finally it just happened. I was so relieved. This thing that had terrified me was suddenly something I really wanted to do. I guess after everything we went through, breastfeeding was no longer scary or weird for me. Instead it was something I could do for my baby when there was so much I hadn't been able to after she was born.
Over the next few weeks I experienced the customary sore, cracked and painful nipples. It hurt for the first minute or so every time Fallon latched. I was using the shield every time, I was exhausted and there were tears from both of us, but we were doing it and it felt like a huge accomplishment. Fallon was often nursing more than the standard every 2-3 hours at that point but I had read about cluster feeding and as far as I understood, it is normal for many newborns. We had another appointment at the pediatrician for a weight check since Fallon had not regained her birth weight at the last visit. But then that confidence I had built up was quickly ripped away when we were told Fallon wasn't regaining her birth weight as fast as the doctors wanted her to. The ounces on the scale became the main focus and I was referred to a breastfeeding specialist. I didn't quite understand what the problem was because Fallon was having normal amounts of dirty and wet diapers daily, the most prominent indicator that a baby is well fed. I realize it is important for babies to gain weight but as individuals, why are they all expected to do it at the same rate?
A nurse at the pediatrician's office helped me get Fallon to latch without the shield because the doctor was thinking maybe she wasn't getting enough milk with it. That was a Friday and the specialist appointment was not until the following week. Fallon continued to cluster feed but was only taking small amounts at each feeding. As her mother, I knew this was her being her, my little bird. But as a first time mother, I was listening to the doctors. Fallon was latching without the shield but would come off multiple times during a feeding and then flails her arms or put her fingers near her mouth and in the way. We were struggling but we were still chugging along.
The day we went to see the specialist I was instructed not to feed Fallon for at least 2 hours prior to the appointment so that she could observe a feed. Maybe that would have made sense for a baby that was eating every 2 hours but my baby was eating every hour so by the time we got to the appointment she was screaming. The doctor confirmed her latch was fine and I was doing everything correctly but then instead of discussing how to combat her unlatching multiple times and keeping the hands and arms out of the way, the tide quickly turned to other issues. The focus was so much on Fallon not gaining weight fast enough and not taking more milk at each feeding that suddenly the problem was surely that either Fallon was tongue tied and it was preventing her from sucking correctly and/or I had low milk supply. Fallon had been checked for a tongue tie at the hospital and we were told she did not have one. I was also nearly certain I didn't have low milk supply but again, I was listening to the professionals. I left without a shred of my confidence left, a screaming baby and a treatment plan for low milk supply.
Fallon had regained her birth weight at a weight check 2 days later. I did follow the low milk supply plan for a short time because I was afraid if I was wrong and that was the case, I was a horrible mother for not doing what was needed to correct it. I was having to remember to take supplements several times a day, drink 100 ounces of water and pump after every single feeding. My body was dead, my brain was dead and I felt like my life was revolving around this milk supply issue. If you've truly struggled with this, I am so sorry. But that nagging feeling in me wouldn't go away. And I finally decided to listen to it. I had spent too much time letting doctors convince me there was something wrong because my kid wasn't in line with their perfect charts. I knew she was just doing things her way and I knew I didn't need to jump through all these hoops to give her what she needed. Chris supported me 100% when I said I was ditching all of it. No more supplements, no more chugging water until I thought I'd puke, no more losing sleep over unnecessary pumping. Guess what? Things started to turn around and I got my confidence back.
Today Fallon is a very healthy and now slightly chubby little girl. My story is unique as is every other breastfeeding mama's so this post was not meant as advice for anyone else. I do not think that doctors and lactation specialists are all quacks and completely unhelpful. It was just that in my case, Fallon's wild entrance into the world and then slower pace in those first weeks made everyone jump to conclusions without giving her (and me) the benefit of the doubt. Supplements can be helpful even if you don't have low milk supply but trying to remember to take them 3-4 times a day wasn't worth the stress for me. Of course you need to stay hydrated and drink extra water when breastfeeding but instead of counting ounces I just listened to my body. Pumping is a necessary evil but it was stealing my sleep and my sanity doing it after every single feeding. I honestly don't believe there was ever a problem and I wish I would have trusted my instincts but hindsight is always 20/20.
The only advice I will offer is to go with your gut no matter what anyone else is telling you. Whether you're a first time mom or have 5 kids, a mother's intuition exists for a reason. Don't ignore it. If you plan to breastfeed and for whatever reason you are unable to right after birth, all is not lost. If your baby takes a bottle first and you still want to breastfeed, it's absolutely still an option. If you want no part of breastfeeding, don't let others try to talk you into it or make you feel bad for not choosing to.
Fallon now mostly nurses but also takes a bottle here and there just so that she won't refuse it if I should be away from her for a feeding. It definitely has not been an easy road but I am proud of us for sticking with it because I knew we could do it. It's crazy how this thing that is supposed to be so natural can be so damn difficult. But if you really want to do it, it's totally worth it. And that's coming from the girl who heard nails on a chalkboard when she thought about nursing a baby.
