Motherhood Unplugged

I love being a mom. I'm grateful for 2 healthy + amazing kids. I fully appreciate how hard my husband works so that I can stay home with them as my full time job. But I'm losing my mind and I've got to tell someone about it.

They say the days are long but the years are short. I'm sure I'll find that to be true sooner than I can imagine. But right now, I'm in the trenches. Navigating daily life with 2 little ones, mostly still fully dependent on me, is kind of like walking through a minefield. One wrong step and the shit is going to hit the fan. I don't know how many times I've looked at the clock and been floored that it's 2PM and I've yet to get dressed, and not by choice. Or realized it's 9PM and the day is somehow over and I have no idea how I spent the last 15 hours. Because they certainly weren't productive and not really all that fun. It sometimes seems like EVERYTHING is a struggle. Simple tasks that would take me 10 minutes to complete take an hour with the constant interruptions. I can't even brush my teeth without stopping! Someone wants to be held, someone is hungry, someone has to go potty (3 dogs!). My to-do list gets so long that I just start taking things off all together, realizing that there will never be time to get them done. 

I constantly find myself facing dilemmas about how to spend my time. Do I have Chris take the kids while I speed through those chores that have been put off for too long or do something as a family? Work or play? Plan an outing that will most likely sacrifice nap time and my sanity or stay home and feel guilty about it? Exercise or relax? Fallon wants me to play cars with her but Axton wants to nurse. The toddler is sleeping and the baby is giggling when I tickle his toes but the bills need to be paid. And when was the last time I shaved my legs?! There are lots of things that can wait, but they cannot wait forever. I just want to shower in peace, remember to make the grocery order before we run out of food, wear something that doesn't double as pajamas more than once a week. 

There are so many things I've given up on trying to accomplish while the kids are awake because they aren't worth the extra time they take and stress they cause. But I have so little time that both kids are asleep it feels like I'm racing the clock and never using the time I do get wisely enough. I feel guilty if I get something done while the kids are both content, because I should be using that time to play with them! But I'm anxious if everything is left until after bedtime, because that means I'll have to choose between getting it done or taking time to relax. I would actually skip lunch if I wasn't breastfeeding simply because it's one more thing on the list.

I spend all this time planning and packing for a fun day out and the stress of actually getting there already has me exhausted. And it's super hard to chase a toddler who fears nothing and apparently also hears nothing (unless she wants to) while wearing a baby. I can't keep him out in the sun + heat too long, climb on the playground or go down the water slide. Yet I also can't just snuggle my teething baby all day, because I have a toddler who needs my attention too. 

My husband works an odd schedule and long hours. I am the head of household. The mom. The maid. The chauffeur. The chef. The accountant. The wanna be photographer + blogger + social media influencer. I found something that allows me to fuel my creative fire and get paid for it, working on my own terms while staying home with my babies. But I can't justify the time I spend doing it if I'm not making a certain amount of money. And the time and effort it takes to make that certain amount of money is often more time than I have. It's a constant struggle for balance that I've yet to achieve.

There isn't currently much of a "we" as in my husband and me. We're a hell of a team but we don't get to spend much time together just 2 of us. He works long overnight hours then comes home to tag in while I clean the house or does yard work or tries to make progress on one of the many unfinished projects we have going on. One of us has to be with the kids while the other accomplishes something, we can never work on anything together. And by the time either of us has finished, we choose to use the remainder of our time together as a family. He often stays up for over 24 hours because napping would take away more time. There are so many times he takes Fallon up to bed on those nights he is home and falls asleep next to her. And I don't have the heart to wake him just to watch TV together. 

When people tell me to soak it all in, this time with my kids so little, I often want to laugh sarcastically. They mean the snuggles in my arms, the little hand pulling mine, the bedtime stories and the sloppy kisses.  But it does give me hope that once I'm out of this stage I will actually look back and miss it. Because it seems like it's pretty easy to forget how incredibly HARD it is. The stress, the frustration, the eat you alive guilt. Sometimes I'm even angry. How am I supposed to enjoy my kids when I'm too busy just trying to meet their needs? It feels like treading water. Survival mode.

I count down till bedtime. I dream of being alone in a quiet room for just long enough to drink my iced coffee before all the ice melts. I pray for patience, for mercy and for forgiveness daily. Sometimes I actually go into a closet to scream.

BUT

I get to comfort my kids when they cry. I get to witness their first milestones. I get to put them to bed every night. I know them better than anyone in this entire world. I'm the one who kisses boo boos, sees those sleepy just woke up from a nap smiles, watches them learn new skills and teaches them to be kind. I have the privilege of being with my children as they grow in real time. 

And every night when they are asleep, I miss them. I watch Fallon cuddling snuggled in her bed on the monitor and Ax so cozy in his DockATot beside me. I may be completely exhausted, feeling totally tapped out with scrambled eggs for brains. Yet somehow I feel happy. Fulfilled. I see those sweet, perfect little faces before I close my eyes and all is right in the world. Losing my mind and living my dream all at the same time. Motherhood unplugged. 

Life with Two

We are 10 weeks into life with 2 kids under 2 and in some ways it feels like it's always been this way but in others I'm still thinking OMG I HAVE 2 KIDS. We have fallen into some daily routines at this point but mostly it's a lot of winging it and still trying to figure this whole parenting 2 babies thing out. There's a lot of coffee (and wine), baby wearing, hugs, crying, patience, stress and love. 

Our mornings start before 7AM and everyone has breakfast. A few days a week I try to get rolling so we can get out of the house before it's approximately 1 million degrees outside. We may hit the park for a walk, run errands or meet up with friends. Sometimes I try to get in a workout and get ready and other days it's just pjs all around, coffee on repeat until nap time. Fallon has been napping consistently from about 12:30-2:30 and OMG what a game changer. After she goes down I am usually able to get Ax down too and then have some time to eat lunch and check things off the ol' to-do list. We loosely follow eat, play, sleep with Axton so sometimes he's awake before Fallon. I'll feed and play with him or wear him, put him in the swing ect. if I'm trying to finish up something before Fallon wakes up. In the afternoons we hit the pool, play in the backyard or watch Trolls literally over and over again while playing with all the toys. I set out Fallon's "dinner" between 5-5:30 and she eats it over the next hour or so. Bath time, relax + feed the baby, then bedtime. I get Ax down then take Fallon upstairs to sing our little song and snuggle. Of course things look a little differently when daddy is home but for the most part, this is the way our days go.

I try to keep expectations low and spirits high. I allow myself to get frustrated, feel overwhelmed and get upset before shaking it off and counting my blessings. I accept help when it's offered and ask for it when I need it. I wash my hair once a week, get a venti when I need it and leave the laundry in dryer in favor of snuggling my sleeping baby. Most of the time when I'm solo it's a total shit show of toddler tantrums, dry shampoo, popsicle juice and mommy milk. It's a little chaotic but I love being home with my babies so freaking much. 

True Life: Tales From Toddler Town

I had all these ideas and big plans for blog posts this season. And as you can see, I haven't quite delivered. So while my baby and my husband sleep, I'm taking this time to talk about why.

Motherhood, as all mothers know, is not for the faint of heart. It can be all consuming sometimes and I've been working to keep the part of me that's just me and not mama, still afloat. Incorporating more topics into my social media world like fashion, food and home decor has definitely helped me remember that I am in fact, still me. But today it's all about motherhood. No links, no ads, no fun things to share. Just me talking about being mom from my current stage of life.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so while this is for me, it's also for you. Any of you who feel like you're the only one in this position. Any of you who need a moment to think well at least my kid doesn't do THAT. Any of you who just need to read a little motherhood in the raw and know that it's okay to feel however you feel about right in this moment. As mamas our kids are our hearts, living and breathing right outside of our bodies. A mother's love cannot be defined and oh how we love our babies. But I'm telling you, and myself, it's okay to have moments, days, whole weeks, when you wonder who the hell thought having kids was such a good idea. 

Fallon is a bright kid. I'm not bragging, although every mama should. She's been paid extra close attention to in the developmental sense due to the nature of her birth. But 16 months in and she's not only hitting milestones appropriately, she's leapfrogging many of them like it's her job. Her personality is one of extremes. There was never a happier kid in all the world than my kid when she's happy. And there was never a more pissed off kid in all the world than my kid when she's mad. Or so it seems. I'm a stay at home mom with a husband who works extra hours. And I have to say, toddler town has been one wild and crazy place these days. 

Frustration. That's kind of the word of the moment. Fallon has so much frustration in that little body of hers from knowing things in her mind but not being physically capable of them yet. The result: behavioral manifestation aka tantrums. Massive, constant, can I take her back tantrums. I have frustration from desperately trying to understand her, to teach her, to deal with her when all my best efforts are failing. The result: mom guilt. Massive, constant, who let me be a mother guilt. And it's quite the vicious cycle isn't it? 

We try so hard to be super moms, setting these lofty goals for the day, planning fun things and making ourselves believe this level of functioning is not only attainable but the standard. Come back down to reality with me for a moment. WHAT PLANET ARE WE LIVING ON?! We aren't just moms. We are daughters, wives, sisters, friends oh and ya know our own people as well. And let's not forget we're that lame thing society refers to as adults, which comes with it's own lovely set of responsibilities. Life is a juggling act across the board. I'm certainly not saying ditch the to-do list all together or stop making fun plans, setting expectations or dreaming big. Just give yourself a break. Remember, you're only human. Cry when your kid throws that breakfast you woke up early to make and were so excited to show them right in your face. Drown your guilt for shoving your kid at your husband the second he walks in the door saying GET HER AWAY FROM ME in a venti overpriced coffee at (insert favorite place to escape to). Blow up your friends about how stressed + overwhelmed you are when it's Thursday night and the entire week's to-do list is still somehow staring back at you. We've all been there, are there, will be there again. 

I spend most of my days losing track of the amount of kicking, screaming, launching things across the room tantrums, cleaning up new messes literally left behind me as I clean up old ones and doing everything either in high speed motion while my child is momentarily entertained, with her crying and trying to climb my legs or actually in my arms. I rarely cook dinner, bribe my kid with snacks and countdown that last half hour till bedtime almost every night. I am 100% sure that a man invented daily savings time, I have no idea of the last time my linen closet didn't resemble a frat house but I am sure that teething is the bane of my existence. I can't believe it's already been a week since I did a big grocery trip, that it's time to clean the bathrooms AGAIN or how quickly a new basket of laundry to wash has appeared. Oh yea and afternoon naps are so not overrrated. At least I don't think. But I don't have a lot of experience with that. Eyeroll. #fallyfallynonaps

But you know what else? I am completely, utterly, some other words that don't even exist in love with being my kid's mom. Motherhood may not define me but it does fulfill me. Fallon was meant to be my baby. I was meant to be her mama. And even when I feel like I'm totally failing. I am actually damn good at my job. 

And so are you mama, so are you.

Easy Toddler Meals

I don't know about dinner time at your house but over here it used to go a little something like this: me scrambling to prep, cook and keep all my fingers in the process while a tiny human clung to my legs screaming. Chris works nights so he is asleep when the last meal time of the day rolls around, and that also conveniently happens to be witching hour. Don't get me wrong, Fallon pulls this at every meal but it's 10 times more intense at dinner time. And I was losing my mind every single evening trying to run the show solo something had to give. I boarded the easy meal train and never looked back. 

We're moms, we work our butts off all day long, by 5:30PM we are tired. So tired. And we deserve a little slack. I had to stop thinking like an adult in terms of meals and start thinking like a kid. I now cook less, clean up less and stress over dinnertime less by ditching the Pinterest menus and fancy meals. Now if cooking is your thing and chaos does not ensue every time you attempt it, I am certainly not knocking your style. But if you're over chopping, sautéing with a 20lb hungry gremlin wrapped around your ankles, welcome to my world. You don't have to make gourmet fajitas to be a good mom.

The first thing I had to get over was feeding Fallon traditional meals. She doesn't know the difference nor does she care if she's eating lasagna and garlic bread or a plate filled with random foods. Secondly, kids like what they like. They are happy to eat the same thing twice in one day or 3 times in the same week. And finally, I keep in mind that the post dinner clean up on aisle EVERYWHERE responsibility will always fall to me. Spaghetti anyone? So a little meal prep when she's napping or otherwise occupied because her belly is full and a whatever works attitude have been the winning combination for a total game changer in our house. I no longer desperately try to cook over a hot stove or chop veggies under the pressure of a raging toddler underneath me. I just mostly shovel a few food groups onto pretty plates, drop it on the high chair and let her go to town while I enjoy the peace. There is something about a colorful meal on a colorful plate that just seems toddler tailored. We have been using plates, cups and utensils from Replay Recycled and they are so durable (they've been launched across the room), easy to clean and just fun for Fallon to use for meal time. When I put together a meal I choose foods from each food group and serve. Quick, easy and Fallon approved.

Protein: Chicken in the crockpot is one of the greatest ideas ever. Put it in, turn it on, let it cook. Done. Beans are so easy to rinse and serve, lunch meat can be rolled up or quickly torn into strips and sausage can be cooked ahead of time then cut up to serve. Scrambling a batch of eggs to eat throughout the week is so easy too. And I am NEVER above a good old peanut butter sandwich. 

Fruits/Veggies: I am a fan of ready to serve fruits like blueberries and raspberries but grapes, bananas or avocado can be so quickly sliced a monkey could make it happen in seconds and Fallon can peel a little mandarin orange herself. Steam in a bag veggies are always on hand but I also don't mind doing a little prep by chopping and sautéing or roasting them to store in the fridge when there's not a hungry gremlin hanging around. 

Sides: Cheese sticks or shredded cheese are often in our line up for lunch and/or dinner as well pretzel thins, pita bread or sliced almonds. Fallon also really likes cheese tortellini or mac n cheese so those can easily be made during nap time or while Chris is home midday to wrangle her. 

On Chris's off nights we sometimes will have family style meals like homemade pizza, french toast or spaghetti squash. But my oven is rarely on during witching hour these days and that's the way I like it. I'm running on E by the that point and barely having to think to get Fallon's dinner on the table is necessary for my sanity. Fallon goes to be early so I eat later and if I want to cook something for myself and leave Chris the leftovers I can do it stress free while she sleeps. It's not a new concept. Keeping things colorful usually equals nutritional and my kid is healthy and happy. But I definitely did the whole hand to the face thing when this idea of meals a la cart occurred to me. So if you're sitting there thinking DUH, you're not alone and I'm not a genius. It's kind of like when you see someone wearing a really cute outfit and you have the same pants, top and jacket at home but never thought to put them all together. You had this thought somewhere in the dark recesses of your mind, you just needed someone to turn the light on. 

Confessions Of A SAHM: My Husband Works Nights

I am asked all the time who is taking all these pictures I seem to make it into with Fallon. And the answer is almost always Chris. And that's because he works night so he is home in the afternoon with us. A lot of people are surprised to learn he's a truck driver, because apparently he doesn't fit the profile. It's a pretty demanding job and he sometimes works really long shifts. So yea, it can be really hard to deal with for us as a family. But there are actually some pretty great trade-offs to his non traditional schedule. 

Chris started this job at the very end of my pregnancy, just 2 weeks before Fallon was born. It was one of those offers he just couldn't refuse and allows him to single handedly support our family. Everyone was feeling sorry for me when he went back to work the week after Fallon was born, assuming I was pulling the night shift with a newborn all alone. The truth is, it wasn't a big deal. Fallon would wake to nurse, something Chris would have been no help with anyway, and then go back to sleep. I can count on one hand the number of times she didn't go right back to sleep after nighttime feedings. And now that she sleeps from about 7-7 every night, daddy works while we get our beauty rest. 

Working when most of our friends and family are off for the weekend can kind of suck. It's harder to make plans and attend parties and events sometimes but he actually doesn't miss out on nearly as much as you'd think. And it's really nice to have a week day off to go places that are super crowded on weekends. We also run errands together pretty often as a way to get in family time while being productive. There's quite a lot of family time but not always much time for just Chris and me. But we're okay with that. Really. We've learned to make the time we spend together just the two of us really count. He has a bit of a drive home from work so sometimes he will even call me on the way home so we can catch up or make plans for when he gets home. 

The nature of his job is it ain't over til it's over. He doesn't just get to clock out at 5 every day. So sometimes things go wrong, somebody messes up, there's traffic, truck problems ect. and it takes him longer (or WAY longer) than it should to get home. When I've been holding down the fort solo since the afternoon of the day before and he's running late, it can be exhausting and frustrating. And the last thing I want to do is toss him a screaming baby when he finally walks through the door but sometimes it's the only way the laundry gets done. Doing the morning hustle to get everybody fed, let outside and dressed, often at the crack of dawn, then the dinner and bedtime routine by myself does wear me down by day 4. But we get 3 mornings and 3 evenings together so that's pretty awesome and usually makes up for the rest of the week. 

Overall, this works for us right now. There are times I wish he had a M-F set schedule. And I know he does too. But is there really a perfect work schedule? This is what we know and what we've become accustomed to at this stage of life. If anything I think it's made us more adaptable as a family and I am grateful that his job supports the kind of lifestyle we want to live. 

With A Baby On My Hip

I stand barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip. If you're not familiar, that's a line from the country song "Redneck Woman" by Gretchen Wilson. And I wouldn't say I'm a redneck woman but the song immediately came to mind when I sat down to write this post so just go with it. When I found out I was pregnant and due in July I had visions of standing barefooted in own front yard with a baby on my hip. I didn't foresee all the other things I'd be doing with a baby on my hip. 

I'd probably be typing this with one hand without the magic of baby wearing and sleep training. But because sometimes nothing will do but her favorite perch, I have not only learned to do many things with hand and a baby on my hip but I've mastered them. Yes people, I have a super power. And I bet you do too. So just for fun, because moms need to have a little fun too, let's list off all the things we can do in sentences that end "with a baby on my hip". When you feel like you're failing at everything, and please tell me we all have those days, then you'll have this mile long list to remind yourself that you actually are a supermom. 

I can

Make food

Eat

Nurse

Brush my teeth

Feed the furballs

Walk the dog

Put on make-up

Brush my hair

Carry a full laundry basket

Clean

Pay bills

Write e-mails

Dance

Do squats

Take pictures

Send text

Push a shopping cart

Put groceries away

Make the bed

And most importantly

Drink coffee/wine/beer/margs

With a baby on my hip

What can you do with a baby on your hip?

I'm Just Like You

They say the days are long but the years are short. I'm sure that's true because I can't believe how fast 8 months have gone by. But right now the days are just long. I love being a mom, I love staying home with Fallon and I love watching her grow every day. But we've been in the thick of big developmental changes and hardcore teething and I've sort of felt like I fell down the rabbit hole. Caring for a baby who wants to constantly be held, will not entertain herself, fights naps or refuses them all together is exhausting. Keeping up with cleaning, the laundry, the errands and of course being mom to 6 furballs is a whole other level of chaos. And let's not forget trying to have some fun in the midst of it all, well, that's just plain crazy. 

I know everything is a season, I will miss these days when I look back and I probably won't even remember the weeks I actually did lose my mind. But just in case you're in the thick of it too, I wanted you to know that you're not alone. A picture takes a second to snap, literally one second. So don't be fooled by all the happy baby pictures. I'm pretty sure we can all get a smile once a day. And behind that camera is usually Chris or I doing embarrassing things to get Fallon to make those cute faces. We are tired, stressed out parents just trying to navigate the craziness of life like everyone else. There's usually full laundry baskets in the closet waiting to be washed. I'm always forgetting things at the grocery and trying to find the time to go back for them. My hair is usually in a dirty topknot and I drink too much coffee. I get upset, I get frustrated, I get angry. I compare myself to all the other mamas who seem to have it all together. I'm just like you. I was reminded by a friend that while I'm over here wondering how everybody else seems to be doing it all right when I'm doing it all wrong, there are people thinking I'm the one with the perfect life. So that's the entire purpose of this post, to let you know that I'm riding the hot mess express every single day. Some days I do it in pjs and some days I do it in heels. But my life is just as perfectly imperfect as the next mom's and if you need me I'll be trying to find the remote that I swear was just right here so I can catch up on Grey's Anatomy. 

Making Messes Disappear

I may still be swimming in the shallow end of the human baby parenting pool but I'm a pretty experienced pet mama. So I've been cleaning up messes and experimenting with stain removers for years. 4 dogs, 3 cats and a baby girl later, I have my go-to little bottle of magic and today I'm sharing it with you. 

Whether the dog tracked mud across the carpet, the cat hacked up dinner or the baby smeared blackberries down her shirt, I've got you covered. Let's me real, some stains just aren't coming out and some will put up a good fight. But for the most part, I can save you some time, effort and $$$ because I'm guessing most of you already have the ingredients for this homemade stain remover. Trust me, we've tried a zillion commercially available products and while some of them do work, we would go through bottles so fast it seemed ridiculous to keep spending the money. If the stain is really bad it might take more than one try but I have saved a favorite sleeper from the biggest blowout we've had to date so trust me, there's hope. 

You need a spray bottle, vodka and white vinegar. Fill the bottle a third of the way full of water then the rest half vodka, half vinegar. That's it. Seriously. Soak the stain and either let it sit for about 10 minutes and then wipe with a clean rag or let it soak overnight before tossing in with the laundry. Vodka mostly neutralizes the smell of the vinegar as well as the odor from the stain if there is one. But if you have essential oils you may want to add a few drops of lavender or lemon, totally not necessary though. Of course you could always just feed your baby naked. 

Happy mess making!

Healthy Pancakes For Mama + Mini

I'm really glad they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day because we usually do breakfast up right. The rest of the day, well, we try. Now that Fallon is eating pretty much any solids, it's easiest to make something we can both eat in the morning instead of making one meal for her and one for me (and Chris when he's home). My go-to breakfast has always been oatmeal with PB, fruit and whatever other healthy goodness I have on hand to toss in. Fallon eats with her fingers and is so over being fed by anyone but her own self that it's not really a good option for her right now. So when I heard about banana pancakes I was thinking ding, ding, ding this could be our winner. 

I'm sure you've seen all kinds of variations of easy, healthy pancakes recipes similar to this one but after playing around with amounts and ingredients we have found one that works the best for us. Our pediatrician gave us the go ahead to try eggs at Fallon's 6 month appointment so I've had no qualms about them being one of the 3 ingredients in this recipe. And really she's only getting a small amount anyway. The best part about this recipe is that it's so easily doubled, tripled, ect. for whatever type of crowd you're feeding. When I make these pancakes for Fallon and I to share I make it as is but double it if daddy's home because daddy eats a lot more than us girls! I end up with 2 or 4 medium sized pancakes and just cut up about a third of one into bite sized pieces for Fallon and we eat the rest. 

Ingredients:

1 ripe medium banana

2 eggs

1/2 cup oats or flax meal (we like a mixture of both)

Directions:

Mash the banana in a bowl then add in eggs and oats/flax and whisk together. Cook pancakes over medium heat in 1 tablespoon of coconut oil in a skillet or griddle. Add your desired toppings and enjoy! We love ours with mixed berries and a little pure maple syrup and sliced almonds for mama + daddy but the possibilities are endless. 

Letter To Me

Dear Mama to be, 

I know you're completely and utterly terrified of breastfeeding that baby you're growing. You're scouring the internet trying desperately to find other women who felt like you and were able to successfully breastfeed. You've always felt this way but thought when your time came it would change. You're ashamed and guilt ridden that you don't want to continue sharing your body with your baby after he or she is born. Well girlfriend, GET OVER IT. 

That little voice in the back of your head whispering to you that this is the road you should take is right. Stop worrying about failing and start believing in yourself. Those mama instincts everyone talks about? They're real and they will kick in. I promise you'll be okay. Getting started will be your biggest hurdle but you've got this. You'll know what your baby needs and you'll be able to give it to her. She's a stubborn little one but so are you. It won't be easy those first few weeks. You'll be exhausted, mentally and physically, burnt out in a way you've never known. But you'll power through. That perfect baby girl will keep you going.

When the pros get concerned, you'll do as they, because they're supposed to know best. But when you reach that breaking point, you realize you were right all along. This is the turning point. This is the moment you realize you can trust in yourself. You were meant to do this and you know exactly how to. Your baby girl will come around on her time, just like you knew she would. And you will begin to relish in the beautiful bond this journey creates. 

8 months later you'll be looking back and laughing at how silly all your worries were. Breastfeeding has become such a part of daily life it is second nature to nurse the baby. You won't need a clock to tell you when she needs to be feed, a book to let you know she needs mama's comfort or a doctor to confirm she's drinking enough. You'll know. This was the way it was always supposed to be and somewhere inside you knew that. Breastfeeding wasn't all that scary after all. In fact, it's the reason you've become a confident mother. It's the reason you feel the most empowered you ever have as a woman. And the reason you're able to keep a teeny tiny amount of sanity left on the days that baby girl is extra challenging. 

You are strong and capable. You will succeed. You won't even mind sharing your body for just a little bit longer. 

Love,

Your Future Mama Self

A Day In The Life

When I casually polled a few of my girlfriends on what they'd like to read more about on the blog, this was the common topic. SAHMS, working moms, mamas to be, we all just want to feel like we're in this together. Social media can sometimes make it seem like everyone else has it all together while we're over here struggling to get through the day let alone be supermom. Well, those pretty little pictures never tell the whole story and today I decided to give y'all a good look behind the scenes. 

I kept my phone within arm's reach nearly all day, something I pretty much never do, so I could attempt to document what goes on around here on a typical day. I captured what I could in pictures and on my IG story but I'll fill in the blanks here. Let me preface this by saying that this is more like a  day in the life on a Wednesday. The hubs works nights 4 times a week so he's not running on a M-F, 8-5 schedule. I also baby-sit 3 days a week so a day with a 3 month old and a 6 month old looks a lot different. If this type of post is something you as readers would like to see more of in the future, I will certainly try to do this on other days so you can see how much these variables change things. But for now, I give you a day in the life. 

My alarm goes off at 6AM. I immediately check the baby monitor to see if Fallon is awake. Sometimes she is laying quietly in her bed and other times she is still sleeping. Of course there are times she is crying but I've already heard her and have then been listening for her to calm herself. I am up by 6:15 to go feed the cats and dogs and get my coffee going. If Fallon is still asleep at 6:30 I go ahead and let the dogs out and make my breakfast, almost always oatmeal. If she is awake I go get her and nurse her then change her diaper. I then make and eat my breakfast or just drink my coffee while she bounces in her jumperoo. There are many days she refuses to be put down so I do everything with one hand. 

We play together with blocks, her toys that make noise and read books until 8/8:30. I usually give her a piece of whole grain rice cake to munch on while I get her second breakfast of solids ready. Today she had part of a waffle and some blackberries. I forgot to undress her first so I was stain treating that sleeper afterward. #momfail 

Between 9-9:30 Fallon goes down for a morning nap. This is when I clean up the breakfast mess and then attempt to get my nap time hustle on. If we are going somewhere I shower or just get myself ready and if not I do things around the house. Today was bathroom cleaning day but I was halfway through when little girlfriend decided to wake up. There are times when she will fall back asleep if I leave her be but I usually know if that's a possibility or not and today it was clearly not. So I dressed her and gave her my brushes to play with and thank goodness those kept her occupied long enough for me to finish. I even dusted the bedroom! I don't always get so lucky though and chores get put on hold. 

Fallon will nurse again usually between 10-10:30 and then we have a few hours before her next nap. Today it was chilly but not windy so we bundled up and went for a walk. She tool another half hour snooze in the stroller and was ready for lunch round 12 when we got back. Lunch is usually between 12-1 and on a good day we can eat at the same time. She had steamed broccoli and sweet potato and I had a spinach + hummus + feta wrap. Afternoon nap time is somewhere between 1-2 unless she didn't nap at all in the morning and then our day is just all up in the air. We played today after lunch until daddy came home and then Fallon went down for another nap around 1:30. 

Sometimes she sleeps minimally (or not at all!) and sometimes she sleeps 2+ hours. I got lucky today and she slept almost an hour and a half so I got in a workout and a few random things on my to-do list before she was up. By 3PM I was nursing again while Chris let the dogs out. I handed her off to him when she was finished and switched the laundry from the washer to the dyer, something I all too often forget to do. We had some family time before daddy went up to bed just after 4 and then Fallon and I played until dinnertime. 

Again, I try to eat when Fallon eats now that she can mostly feed herself. It doesn't always work out if she's fussy and frustrated that she can't get the food in her month fast enough. That was today. She had cheese squares and steamed asparagus for dinner and I helped out a lot. On the nights Chris works I always fill the dog and cat food bowls so they are ready to go in the morning so I did that with Fallon on my hip as well as fed the cats. The dogs eat all their food in the morning so at least I only have to feed 1 set of furballs twice a day. 

6PM is bath time and I'm currently still bathing Fallon in the infant tub in our first floor bathroom. We have tried the big tub and it didn't go over so well so we will try again this weekend. Hopefully she decides she's okay with it before she completely grows out of her baby sink tub. After her bath I rub lotion on her and get her pjs on and then nurse her for the last time before bed. She starts to drift off in my arms just before 7 and that's when I bring her upstairs to her crib. That's the one thing that is almost always so easy.

I spend the rest of the evening eating dinner if I haven't yet, cleaning up the kitchen, picking up toys and and other messes we made, folding laundry, blogging or doing anything else I need to check off the to-do list. Yes, there are nights I just watch TV but it's rare. I usually try to get things done so that I can spend the nights hubby has off with him. I almost always end my night with a glass of wine or a good beer so even if I'm still on the clock it's like I'm not. Bedtime for me is usually 10:30/11 and praise the Lord Fallon sleeps through the night so I get to also. I dream of a new kitchen, a personal chef and cheese fries without calories before I wake up and do it all over again. 

There are days we stay in our pjs all day and never leave the house. Sometimes when Chris gets home he tags in immediately and takes a fussy baby who has refused to be put down or nap all morning. I escape to a hot shower and then chug coffee to get through until bedtime. I can be found eating random things I can grab from the pantry for lunch, vacuuming with a baby on my hip and or cranking the volume on the speaker to drown out the crying some days. I don't get a shower every day and I only wash my hair once a week. For every day that Fallon and I wear matching outfits, we check most everything off from the to-list or have fun little photo shoots, there are days we count it a win that the house is still standing. You win some, you lose some.

Confessions Of A SAHM

No baby is truly easy. Some are just easier than others. It all depends on your experience, the baby's personality, the parent's personality, the situation ect. Babies are completely dependent on their caretakers. They're basically adorable parasites. Really you shouldn't compare your kid to any other kid, not even siblings. But we all do it, usually unintentionally, so you can gage how easy your kid is in the grand scheme of things. 

My kid is difficult. Really difficult. There, I said it. 

It's been a few years but I've cared for a lot of little ones throughout my babysitting days. Recently my friends all started having kids and I even care for one 3 days a week so the full spectrum is at my disposal for comparison. You could argue that I'm being dramatic, my expectations are too high as a first time mom, I'm overwhelmed by being a SAHM and inexperienced having a child of my own. All of those things are partly true. But I'm not overreacting. I'm with my baby 24/7 and I know her better than anyone. 

Some kids are difficult in the sleep department, some have trouble with feeding, some want all the attention and some just want mama. And then there's Fallon. She's strong willed, stubborn and smart as hell. She's demanding, dramatic and intense. She's sassy, sweet and oh so curious. This is her personality. And I wouldn't change a damn thing about it. But oh dear Lord does she drive me nuts. 

Until babies can talk their method of communication is fussing, crying or straight up wailing. Fallon typically likes to go ahead and turn the volume right up. She doesn't mess around. On a typical day she screams like a bear is after her at least 20 times. She's hungry, we aren't feeding her fast enough, she's teething, she's tired, she's bored, she needs her diaper changed, she doesn't want to get dressed, she hates tummy time, she's frustrated, she wants out (of the car seat, high chair, bouncer, ect.) and the list goes on. When she's happy, oh man is she HAPPY. The happiest baby there ever was. But finding what makes her happy is a full time job. 

Most days we are at home Fallon wakes up ready to nurse. If I don't come fast enough she wails. If I get her before she starts crying in her bed, she still wails because I didn't latch her the second I picked her up. On the days it's still early I bring her into my bed and nurse her laying down to take those few extra minutes to doze. Sometimes she'll doze back off with me, others she cries and we get up, because she's so over being in bed. Sometimes she'll play in her jumperoo while I feed the furballs, let the dogs out and make my breakfast. Other times I do it all with her on my hip. She wails if she's ready for her real breakfast aka solids and I don't have everything out fast enough. She even wails between bites because obviously I should be shoveling more food into her mouth as quickly as possible. Choking be damned. She wails during tummy time, sometimes immediately, to the point that she's red faced with a flow of tears. She wails after playing with the same toy for more than a few minutes, she wails because she's over all the toys, then wails because she's tired but wails harder because she fights naps. She wails to be held so much I seriously have the most arm definition I've ever had in my life. She wails while I'm trying to dress her and myself, she wails in the car and when she wakes up from a snooze in the car seat. She wails during diaper changes, when I won't let her have my coffee and when she wants me to stand up with her because I might as well be torturing her if I sit down. In short, she uses those little lungs an awful lot. 

If I'm lucky she now naps twice a day (praise God). But the timing and duration vary despite our best efforts to get her onto a nap time schedule. When she succumbs to sleep I HUSTLE to do all the things. Not much on the to-do list is accomplished when she's awake because I just can't do it all with a 16 lb baby and 1 hand. When Chris is home we tag team but since his job is outside the home, I'm the primary caregiver. Sometimes I'm already exhausted by 9:00AM. Some days we don't do tummy time. At all. Argue with me that my sanity is worth her laying there doing nothing but screaming. I dare you. There are so many days we don't change out of our pjs. You seriously might find me mopping the floors at 10PM because it's the only time I have to do it. When people say the dishes or the laundry can wait, I say they can't wait forever. 

Now that I've made it sound like my life is some kind of terrifying horror movie, let me go on. The truth is, being Fallon's mama is completely and utterly exhausting. It's beyond stressful and overwhelming. BUT, yes, here it is. I absolutely LOVE it. If I have to figure out how to do everything while holding her, so be it. If I have to go through every single toy we have, read every book, sing every song and ultimately let her gnaw on the car keys, I will. If she will only nap in my arms, nurse until she falls asleep or chew on my fingers because she's teething and nothing else will do, that's fine. I have a healthy baby girl. Sometimes the happiest baby girl. The baby with the big smile and the bright eyes at the grocery store because shopping is her favorite. Every day I get to wake up and be her mama is a good day, even if I don't remember that until it's over. It's always going to be difficult to be Fallon's mom, but it couldn't be easier to love her. 

When I'm at the end of my rope, ready to take off running for the hills, that's usually when the sweetest moments come. Some days my best is better than other days. Some days I remember to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer and then go get it to fold. Some days we get dressed in cute outfits and find somewhere to take a picture that makes it look like we totally have our shit together. Real life as a mom is a roller coaster. The highest highs and the lowest lows, laughing, screaming and hanging on tight through the tunnels and when everything flips upside down. It's a ride that scares me half to death, gives me the biggest thrills and makes me never want to get off. My baby might be difficult, but she's mine. And I will take all her wailing right along with her sweet giggles just as long as I get to be her mama.