This Whole Mom Thing: Part II

Way back when Fallon was a fresh little newborn I wrote a post with my thoughts on motherhood in that season of life. I reread that post this morning as I was reflecting on that time and thinking about how we will be there again in mere weeks. So I thought it would be fun to do a little part II as a raw motherhood post is a bit overdue.

This whole mom thing

Is still HARD. And EXHAUSTING. And absolutely freaking AMAZING.

Is up before the sun and long after it's gone down

Is all the tantrums and all the eskimo kisses

Is caffeine, crumbs and clothes thrown out of every drawer

Is too much Mickey Mouse and too little time in the day

Is complete and utter frustration and complete and utter joy

Is finding everything missing from around the house shoved underneath the couch

Is feeling constantly guilty and constantly lucky

Is realizing how easily your toddler can outsmart you

Is snacks all day washed down with mama's drink

Is catching your daughter climbing the furniture, because what else is it good for?

Is appreciating all the #momwins but still stressing over the #momfails

Is cake pops on Target trips and naps in the car

Is blankets, stuffed animals and toys EVERYWHERE

Is thinking you cannot possibly love someone any harder until the next day when you do

Is teething, talking like a big girl and tough days full of tears

Is counting down to bedtime then missing her as she sleeps

Is waiting for daddy to come home by the window and crying when he leaves

Is so many messes and so much love

Is feeling totally helpless one minute and like supermom the next

Is trying not to laugh when you should be disciplining

Is wiping a snotty nose, a poopy butt and crocodile tears

Is public meltdowns and I'm sorry hugs 

Is everything I never knew I always wanted and so much more

See the original post here

True Life: Tales From Toddler Town

I had all these ideas and big plans for blog posts this season. And as you can see, I haven't quite delivered. So while my baby and my husband sleep, I'm taking this time to talk about why.

Motherhood, as all mothers know, is not for the faint of heart. It can be all consuming sometimes and I've been working to keep the part of me that's just me and not mama, still afloat. Incorporating more topics into my social media world like fashion, food and home decor has definitely helped me remember that I am in fact, still me. But today it's all about motherhood. No links, no ads, no fun things to share. Just me talking about being mom from my current stage of life.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so while this is for me, it's also for you. Any of you who feel like you're the only one in this position. Any of you who need a moment to think well at least my kid doesn't do THAT. Any of you who just need to read a little motherhood in the raw and know that it's okay to feel however you feel about right in this moment. As mamas our kids are our hearts, living and breathing right outside of our bodies. A mother's love cannot be defined and oh how we love our babies. But I'm telling you, and myself, it's okay to have moments, days, whole weeks, when you wonder who the hell thought having kids was such a good idea. 

Fallon is a bright kid. I'm not bragging, although every mama should. She's been paid extra close attention to in the developmental sense due to the nature of her birth. But 16 months in and she's not only hitting milestones appropriately, she's leapfrogging many of them like it's her job. Her personality is one of extremes. There was never a happier kid in all the world than my kid when she's happy. And there was never a more pissed off kid in all the world than my kid when she's mad. Or so it seems. I'm a stay at home mom with a husband who works extra hours. And I have to say, toddler town has been one wild and crazy place these days. 

Frustration. That's kind of the word of the moment. Fallon has so much frustration in that little body of hers from knowing things in her mind but not being physically capable of them yet. The result: behavioral manifestation aka tantrums. Massive, constant, can I take her back tantrums. I have frustration from desperately trying to understand her, to teach her, to deal with her when all my best efforts are failing. The result: mom guilt. Massive, constant, who let me be a mother guilt. And it's quite the vicious cycle isn't it? 

We try so hard to be super moms, setting these lofty goals for the day, planning fun things and making ourselves believe this level of functioning is not only attainable but the standard. Come back down to reality with me for a moment. WHAT PLANET ARE WE LIVING ON?! We aren't just moms. We are daughters, wives, sisters, friends oh and ya know our own people as well. And let's not forget we're that lame thing society refers to as adults, which comes with it's own lovely set of responsibilities. Life is a juggling act across the board. I'm certainly not saying ditch the to-do list all together or stop making fun plans, setting expectations or dreaming big. Just give yourself a break. Remember, you're only human. Cry when your kid throws that breakfast you woke up early to make and were so excited to show them right in your face. Drown your guilt for shoving your kid at your husband the second he walks in the door saying GET HER AWAY FROM ME in a venti overpriced coffee at (insert favorite place to escape to). Blow up your friends about how stressed + overwhelmed you are when it's Thursday night and the entire week's to-do list is still somehow staring back at you. We've all been there, are there, will be there again. 

I spend most of my days losing track of the amount of kicking, screaming, launching things across the room tantrums, cleaning up new messes literally left behind me as I clean up old ones and doing everything either in high speed motion while my child is momentarily entertained, with her crying and trying to climb my legs or actually in my arms. I rarely cook dinner, bribe my kid with snacks and countdown that last half hour till bedtime almost every night. I am 100% sure that a man invented daily savings time, I have no idea of the last time my linen closet didn't resemble a frat house but I am sure that teething is the bane of my existence. I can't believe it's already been a week since I did a big grocery trip, that it's time to clean the bathrooms AGAIN or how quickly a new basket of laundry to wash has appeared. Oh yea and afternoon naps are so not overrrated. At least I don't think. But I don't have a lot of experience with that. Eyeroll. #fallyfallynonaps

But you know what else? I am completely, utterly, some other words that don't even exist in love with being my kid's mom. Motherhood may not define me but it does fulfill me. Fallon was meant to be my baby. I was meant to be her mama. And even when I feel like I'm totally failing. I am actually damn good at my job. 

And so are you mama, so are you.

My First Mother's Day

This year will mark my very first Mother's Day celebrating as a mama myself. Quickly closing in on a year of having a daughter has me thinking about how incredibly thankful I am to have the title of mom. Motherhood has been my greatest challenge but by far my greatest joy. Most days I have no idea what I'm doing, just winging it, giving it my all and hoping for the best. And even though I've completely lost my mind, I've found my purpose. Motherhood has shown me strength I didn't know I had, a whole new level of patience and the truest meaning of unconditional love. Funny how you don't there's a missing piece of your heart until it finds you.

I just can't seem to find the right words to describe how amazing it is to be a mom. Even on the days when nothing is going right, I've hit the wall and just feel like a massive failure, I still go to bed missing my baby girl while she sleeps and feeling grateful that she's mine. Did your mom ever tell you, "one day when you're a mom you will understand,"?. It's annoying when you're a know it all teenager but it makes more sense than anything else most days when you do become a mama yourself. I still have a long road of understand ahead of me, mistakes and heartaches with I hope so much laughter and joy mixed in. Motherhood is such a crazy, wonderful and terrifying journey but I have to say, I'm think I'm doing alright. And that's more of a compliment to my own mom than it is to me. Because I learned how to surpass good and become a great mom from the very best. Mom, I understand now. And I hope I'm making you proud. 

In closing of this very first Mother's Day post, I have to thank my perfect baby girl for making me a mama. Fallon Lynn, you are the most precious gift I could ever receive. I hope you know that I am here to support you when you leap, catch you if you fall and cheer the hardest when you succeed. May your strong will take you all the places you want to go and nowhere that you don't. Never lose that sparkle of curiosity in your eyes or that smile you do with your whole face. I love you always baby girl, and one day, when you're a mom, you will understand.

Dirty Thirty

Thirty years ago today, I was born! It's so crazy to think about being 15 and how that was half a lifetime ago. Time really does fly! I've had the best day celebrating with my little family and I thought it would be fun to share 30 things about me with all of you. 

1. I am a natural blonde. I started highlighting my hair when I was 18 and I've had it done pretty much the same ever since. 

2. I've never (probably obviously) had braces. My teeth were straight enough to forgo the hassle and expense of them. And I don't mind my slightly crooked smile one bit!

3. I broke my first bone(s) in my early 20s. Ironically I slipped on ice getting out of the car going INTO the bar. I refused to believe it until an x-ray 2 days later confirmed 3 broken metatarsals. 

4. My aunt is my godmother and we share the same middle name: Joan.

5. I never ate seafood until I vacationed with a friend in Florida when I was 16 and there was literally nothing but that on the menu at a restaurant where we had dinner. A bowl of shrimp pasta later and I never looked back.

6. I always thought I'd get married young, like 23, but I said, "I do," a month after my 28th birthday. 

7. I have a really small head (like toddler sized) and when I was a baby my parents had to take me to see specialists about it. Turns out, it's just genetic and totally normal. Fallon's is small too!

8. I always

have a favorite color of the moment but I always go back to grey.

9. I am mostly my mother's daughter but I have my daddy's hazel eyes.

10. I'm 5'4 but mostly legs so people always think I look taller. 

11. Chris and I met at a bar. You can find love just about anywhere. 

12. My dogs' names (Ares + Chaos) came from mythology.

13. I bake much better than I cook. It's shocking to everyone because....

14. I'm terrible with numbers and measurements. 

15. I'm actually athletically inclined although I'm not the least bit graceful in daily life. I run into walls in my own house. 

16. NSYNC was the first concert I went to. My fanatic teenage self would reemerge quickly if the band got back together. 

17. I don't watch the news. There's too much sadness in this world and if I really need to know something going on in the world someone else will tell me about it.

18. I do my own nails once a week. 

19. I am a proud Pit Bull mom. I dare you to say something mean about my baby.

20. I am a trusting person and have a pretty high tolerance for BS. But if you cross the line, watch out. 

21. I'm a former party girl. Now I'd rather stay home grilling out or eating pizza than hitting the bars any night. 

22. Lilies are my favorite flowers. 

23. I love distressed jeans. I'll probably still be wearing them long after I'm of an appropriate age. 

24. I love being barefoot all summer long but I have to have cozy slippers when it's cold out.

25. Fall is my favorite time of year as an adult but as a kid it was always summer. 

26. If I don't wear bug spray I get eaten alive in the warmer months. I must have super sweet blood. 

27. I went to look at and put an offer on our house while Chris was away for work. He didn't see it in person until we already had a contract.

28. I eat peanut butter every single day, sometimes just by itself.

29. My name means cheerful.

30. I've been a vegetarian for 2.5 years now and I don't miss meat at all.

Confessions Of A SAHM: My Husband Works Nights

I am asked all the time who is taking all these pictures I seem to make it into with Fallon. And the answer is almost always Chris. And that's because he works night so he is home in the afternoon with us. A lot of people are surprised to learn he's a truck driver, because apparently he doesn't fit the profile. It's a pretty demanding job and he sometimes works really long shifts. So yea, it can be really hard to deal with for us as a family. But there are actually some pretty great trade-offs to his non traditional schedule. 

Chris started this job at the very end of my pregnancy, just 2 weeks before Fallon was born. It was one of those offers he just couldn't refuse and allows him to single handedly support our family. Everyone was feeling sorry for me when he went back to work the week after Fallon was born, assuming I was pulling the night shift with a newborn all alone. The truth is, it wasn't a big deal. Fallon would wake to nurse, something Chris would have been no help with anyway, and then go back to sleep. I can count on one hand the number of times she didn't go right back to sleep after nighttime feedings. And now that she sleeps from about 7-7 every night, daddy works while we get our beauty rest. 

Working when most of our friends and family are off for the weekend can kind of suck. It's harder to make plans and attend parties and events sometimes but he actually doesn't miss out on nearly as much as you'd think. And it's really nice to have a week day off to go places that are super crowded on weekends. We also run errands together pretty often as a way to get in family time while being productive. There's quite a lot of family time but not always much time for just Chris and me. But we're okay with that. Really. We've learned to make the time we spend together just the two of us really count. He has a bit of a drive home from work so sometimes he will even call me on the way home so we can catch up or make plans for when he gets home. 

The nature of his job is it ain't over til it's over. He doesn't just get to clock out at 5 every day. So sometimes things go wrong, somebody messes up, there's traffic, truck problems ect. and it takes him longer (or WAY longer) than it should to get home. When I've been holding down the fort solo since the afternoon of the day before and he's running late, it can be exhausting and frustrating. And the last thing I want to do is toss him a screaming baby when he finally walks through the door but sometimes it's the only way the laundry gets done. Doing the morning hustle to get everybody fed, let outside and dressed, often at the crack of dawn, then the dinner and bedtime routine by myself does wear me down by day 4. But we get 3 mornings and 3 evenings together so that's pretty awesome and usually makes up for the rest of the week. 

Overall, this works for us right now. There are times I wish he had a M-F set schedule. And I know he does too. But is there really a perfect work schedule? This is what we know and what we've become accustomed to at this stage of life. If anything I think it's made us more adaptable as a family and I am grateful that his job supports the kind of lifestyle we want to live. 

I'm Just Like You

They say the days are long but the years are short. I'm sure that's true because I can't believe how fast 8 months have gone by. But right now the days are just long. I love being a mom, I love staying home with Fallon and I love watching her grow every day. But we've been in the thick of big developmental changes and hardcore teething and I've sort of felt like I fell down the rabbit hole. Caring for a baby who wants to constantly be held, will not entertain herself, fights naps or refuses them all together is exhausting. Keeping up with cleaning, the laundry, the errands and of course being mom to 6 furballs is a whole other level of chaos. And let's not forget trying to have some fun in the midst of it all, well, that's just plain crazy. 

I know everything is a season, I will miss these days when I look back and I probably won't even remember the weeks I actually did lose my mind. But just in case you're in the thick of it too, I wanted you to know that you're not alone. A picture takes a second to snap, literally one second. So don't be fooled by all the happy baby pictures. I'm pretty sure we can all get a smile once a day. And behind that camera is usually Chris or I doing embarrassing things to get Fallon to make those cute faces. We are tired, stressed out parents just trying to navigate the craziness of life like everyone else. There's usually full laundry baskets in the closet waiting to be washed. I'm always forgetting things at the grocery and trying to find the time to go back for them. My hair is usually in a dirty topknot and I drink too much coffee. I get upset, I get frustrated, I get angry. I compare myself to all the other mamas who seem to have it all together. I'm just like you. I was reminded by a friend that while I'm over here wondering how everybody else seems to be doing it all right when I'm doing it all wrong, there are people thinking I'm the one with the perfect life. So that's the entire purpose of this post, to let you know that I'm riding the hot mess express every single day. Some days I do it in pjs and some days I do it in heels. But my life is just as perfectly imperfect as the next mom's and if you need me I'll be trying to find the remote that I swear was just right here so I can catch up on Grey's Anatomy. 

Confessions Of A SAHM

No baby is truly easy. Some are just easier than others. It all depends on your experience, the baby's personality, the parent's personality, the situation ect. Babies are completely dependent on their caretakers. They're basically adorable parasites. Really you shouldn't compare your kid to any other kid, not even siblings. But we all do it, usually unintentionally, so you can gage how easy your kid is in the grand scheme of things. 

My kid is difficult. Really difficult. There, I said it. 

It's been a few years but I've cared for a lot of little ones throughout my babysitting days. Recently my friends all started having kids and I even care for one 3 days a week so the full spectrum is at my disposal for comparison. You could argue that I'm being dramatic, my expectations are too high as a first time mom, I'm overwhelmed by being a SAHM and inexperienced having a child of my own. All of those things are partly true. But I'm not overreacting. I'm with my baby 24/7 and I know her better than anyone. 

Some kids are difficult in the sleep department, some have trouble with feeding, some want all the attention and some just want mama. And then there's Fallon. She's strong willed, stubborn and smart as hell. She's demanding, dramatic and intense. She's sassy, sweet and oh so curious. This is her personality. And I wouldn't change a damn thing about it. But oh dear Lord does she drive me nuts. 

Until babies can talk their method of communication is fussing, crying or straight up wailing. Fallon typically likes to go ahead and turn the volume right up. She doesn't mess around. On a typical day she screams like a bear is after her at least 20 times. She's hungry, we aren't feeding her fast enough, she's teething, she's tired, she's bored, she needs her diaper changed, she doesn't want to get dressed, she hates tummy time, she's frustrated, she wants out (of the car seat, high chair, bouncer, ect.) and the list goes on. When she's happy, oh man is she HAPPY. The happiest baby there ever was. But finding what makes her happy is a full time job. 

Most days we are at home Fallon wakes up ready to nurse. If I don't come fast enough she wails. If I get her before she starts crying in her bed, she still wails because I didn't latch her the second I picked her up. On the days it's still early I bring her into my bed and nurse her laying down to take those few extra minutes to doze. Sometimes she'll doze back off with me, others she cries and we get up, because she's so over being in bed. Sometimes she'll play in her jumperoo while I feed the furballs, let the dogs out and make my breakfast. Other times I do it all with her on my hip. She wails if she's ready for her real breakfast aka solids and I don't have everything out fast enough. She even wails between bites because obviously I should be shoveling more food into her mouth as quickly as possible. Choking be damned. She wails during tummy time, sometimes immediately, to the point that she's red faced with a flow of tears. She wails after playing with the same toy for more than a few minutes, she wails because she's over all the toys, then wails because she's tired but wails harder because she fights naps. She wails to be held so much I seriously have the most arm definition I've ever had in my life. She wails while I'm trying to dress her and myself, she wails in the car and when she wakes up from a snooze in the car seat. She wails during diaper changes, when I won't let her have my coffee and when she wants me to stand up with her because I might as well be torturing her if I sit down. In short, she uses those little lungs an awful lot. 

If I'm lucky she now naps twice a day (praise God). But the timing and duration vary despite our best efforts to get her onto a nap time schedule. When she succumbs to sleep I HUSTLE to do all the things. Not much on the to-do list is accomplished when she's awake because I just can't do it all with a 16 lb baby and 1 hand. When Chris is home we tag team but since his job is outside the home, I'm the primary caregiver. Sometimes I'm already exhausted by 9:00AM. Some days we don't do tummy time. At all. Argue with me that my sanity is worth her laying there doing nothing but screaming. I dare you. There are so many days we don't change out of our pjs. You seriously might find me mopping the floors at 10PM because it's the only time I have to do it. When people say the dishes or the laundry can wait, I say they can't wait forever. 

Now that I've made it sound like my life is some kind of terrifying horror movie, let me go on. The truth is, being Fallon's mama is completely and utterly exhausting. It's beyond stressful and overwhelming. BUT, yes, here it is. I absolutely LOVE it. If I have to figure out how to do everything while holding her, so be it. If I have to go through every single toy we have, read every book, sing every song and ultimately let her gnaw on the car keys, I will. If she will only nap in my arms, nurse until she falls asleep or chew on my fingers because she's teething and nothing else will do, that's fine. I have a healthy baby girl. Sometimes the happiest baby girl. The baby with the big smile and the bright eyes at the grocery store because shopping is her favorite. Every day I get to wake up and be her mama is a good day, even if I don't remember that until it's over. It's always going to be difficult to be Fallon's mom, but it couldn't be easier to love her. 

When I'm at the end of my rope, ready to take off running for the hills, that's usually when the sweetest moments come. Some days my best is better than other days. Some days I remember to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer and then go get it to fold. Some days we get dressed in cute outfits and find somewhere to take a picture that makes it look like we totally have our shit together. Real life as a mom is a roller coaster. The highest highs and the lowest lows, laughing, screaming and hanging on tight through the tunnels and when everything flips upside down. It's a ride that scares me half to death, gives me the biggest thrills and makes me never want to get off. My baby might be difficult, but she's mine. And I will take all her wailing right along with her sweet giggles just as long as I get to be her mama. 

The Non Joys Of Parenthood

I want to go ahead and preface this by saying I am so thankful I have a daughter. I appreciate that she is one hell of a gift and do not take the fact that she is healthy and thriving for granted for a single second. BUT I can't honestly say that I enjoy every moment of parenthood. Does anyone? I don't think it makes us ungrateful, just human. 

As much as I love seeing all the beautiful captures of motherhood in those moments of glory, we all know they don't tell most of the story. The parts that make us want to rip our hair out, run for the hills, pour the wine at 10AM, scream, cry or beat up a pillow. The frustration, the mental exhaustion, the sleep depravation. So, real talk people, here are 5 joys of parenthood I don't really find so joyous. 

Blowouts 

Dear God, how can so much crap come out of such a tiny body? I lost count of how many times we've had to wash the car seat padding and refill the bottle of stain remover. Little girlfriend is all go big or go home when it comes to shitting her pants.

Spit Up

My kid seems to think no outfit is complete without some regurgitated milk. She waits until I dress her and then BAM pukes on herself and usually me. It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't smell. 

Fussing

I get that babies communicate via crying when they need something before they can use words. But fussing aka whining grates on my last nerve. Probably what irritates me the most is my kid does it because she's bored and refusing to entertain herself. Heaven forbid I should leave the room to relieve my bladder.

Infant Car Seat

I know these things are made the way they are made to keep my baby safe and that rocks. But they are a bitch to use. They are awkward and heavy to carry and strapping in a screaming baby is sometimes the most challenging thing I do all day. It's like wrangling a tiny bronco. 

Naps

Or really lack there of. If these are so necessary why is it so hard to get them to happen? I'm lucky if my kid takes more than one nap a day, if one at all ,and 40 minutes is pretty solid for her. Multiple naps totaling 3-4 hours per day all the websites speak of are laughable to me. You're tired, I'm giving you the opportunity to sleep. Sleep. OMG JUST SLEEP. You mamas who get several hours worth of nap time hustle or relaxation, count your blessings. I'll just be over here attempting to accomplish all the things in 40 minutes or less, doing them with a 14+ lb baby attached to me or doing none of them because I'm pushing the stroller or driving the car. 

I love my baby so freaking much I can't even put it into words. And I fully accept that motherhood is mostly messy and chaotic and so far from a series of perfect little squares. I can take the bad with the good, roll with the punches and laugh about it later. Being a mom is an amazing job but I'm just never going to love poop. 

4 Month Fussies

I won't even pretend that I have really any part of motherhood all figured out, but there for a minute I kind of thought I had found my groove. And then Fallon turned 4 months old. I swear it was like someone supercharged her overnight and she woke up pissed off. The past few weeks we've been losing our minds desperately trying to figure out why she's been upset 75% of the time and doing all kinds of ridiculous things to keep her from having constant meltdowns. 

4 month sleep regression? Transition to the crib? Growth spurt? Teething? Developmental? Gas? Boredom? Some combination of any or all of the above? Or dear God is this just her true personality emerging and she's going to be like this FOREVER? 

We introduced solids, gave her gas relief drops & Tylenol, took long walks, car rides, sang songs and played with all the toys. But the fussiness just kept up. I was wondering how I was going to do this everyday without beating my head against the wall in frustration. Other mamas could empathize, but mostly it was I honestly don't remember if mine went through that. Probably because we block out these times as way to preserve sanity and keep the human race going. 

And then just as quickly as this salty attitude came on, it left the building. I'm not saying we suddenly have a happy baby all the time. I mean, is that even a real thing? But the last few days we've had more smiles than tears, more giggles than fussing and more fun than frustration. I feel like I finally found my way out of the rabbit hole and we're back in the game. We will never know what this little phase was all about. But it really doesn't matter. One thing is for sure, we aren't one bit sad to see those 4 month fussies hit the road! 

Body After Baby

I had no plans whatsoever to do this post. I'm not opposed to putting it all out there at this point but this is a topic that can bring up negative feelings and emotions and that's not my intention with this blog. But my audience has spoken. This is what y'all wanted to hear about so here we go. 

When I got pregnant I was 28 years old and in good health. I walked about 3.5 miles several times a week with Ares and Chaos plus a few days of half hour strength training. I was and still am a vegetarian and whole heartedly believe in a eating well for your body but treating yourself in moderation. I'm 5 ft 4 in and my pre baby weight was 116 lbs. I was fortunate to be able to continue working out throughout my entire pregnancy, even doing HIIT cardio one or two days a week into my third trimester. I had developed an even bigger sweet tooth than I already had and definitely indulged more than I should have, but kept eating healthy for the most part. I was up to a 31 lb weight gain at 38 weeks but lost 3 lbs by the following week for a total of 28 lbs. My last weigh in was at 39 weeks and I delivered Fallon at 39 weeks, 6 days so 28 is the last number I have to go on.

I have no idea what determines the rate at which each woman loses baby weight or how quickly her body recovers. I'm sure genetics has a lot to do with it, probably the condition of your body during pregnancy and luck of the draw. Don't compare yourself to me or anyone else. After I delivered Fallon my belly started deflating like a basketball someone let the air out of. My uterus began contracting back down to its original size almost immediately. I wore this belly band under my clothes as soon as I was able to get dressed after giving birth, about 2 hours later. Maybe it helped, maybe not, but it definitely stopped the my organs are floating around inside my body feeling and I absolutely recommend it. I wore it for 2 weeks straight postpartum around my belly and then moved it to my hips for weeks 3-4. 

Fallon was born on a Wednesday and the first time I tried putting on anything but leggings was 4 days later when family was coming over. The pair of jean shorts I had worn until the last day of my pregnancy fit without a struggle but they were 1 size up from my normal size. The next day I wore a pair of pre baby jeans and they were snug, but not uncomfortably so. I didn't weight myself but I am fairly certain I lost all the baby weight within a week of delivery. I realize this sounds like I'm bragging and probably many of you are cursing the hell out of me right now. Please, please, please remember I am only giving all these details because I was asked to and I'm no better than any of you. This is just the way my body responded. 

The first time I weighed myself was actually on the scale at the pediatrician's office when Fallon was about 3 weeks old. I had lost all my baby weight and then some and even though I was pretty sure that was going to be the case by the way my clothes were fitting, it still seemed crazy. Breastfeeding takes a lot of calories but it doesn't make your body magically go back to the way it used to be. My hips are a little wider, the skin on my belly is a little stretched out and booty is not as perky as it once was. I've never had the most body confidence but strangely I am happier with my body now than I've ever been. 

I got the okay from my doctor to start walking Fallon in her stroller as soon as we got home. I was careful not to overdo it even though some people thought I was. I just knew that I needed to move as part of my healing process. At 4 weeks postpartum I was allowed to begin light pelvic floor exercises and then at my 6 week checkup I was cleared to resume my pre pregnancy workouts. Fallon will be 18 weeks old tomorrow and I currently weigh 114 lbs. I push her in the stroller or walk with her in my wrap several times a week up the big hills in our neighborhood or at the local park. When I have time I do half hour HIIT or strength workouts on YouTube but that may only happen 2-3 times a week. I eat my fruits, veggies, whole grains and protein but I also eat cheese fries, pizza and Halloween candy. 

I have less muscle tone than Ive had in a long time and sometimes that bothers me. I've had to get rid of several pairs of pants and tops because they no longer fit the shape of my post baby body. I see the loose skin on my tummy when I sit down and lift my shirt to nurse. My whole entire point to writing this, other than to answer the questions y'all have e-mailed me, is to say that I am perfectly imperfect just like you. I worked hard during my pregnancy so I deserve some credit there but mostly I hit the genetic lottery and just got plain lucky on losing the baby weight so quickly. I struggle with not being able to work harder post baby but my priority every day is Fallon. I struggle with recognizing my body in the mirror. I struggle with putting on a bikini and realizing it does't fit the way it used to. I struggle just like all of you. But my body protected and nourished my baby while she grew. I want to stay healthy for her but I also want to promote self confidence for her. 

My body after baby will never be the same. And that's okay. It might be better. It might not. But it's the one body I've got and it's my job to take care of it and love it the best that I can. Some days that's easy and some days it's hard and some days it's everything in between. I'm learning to push myself when I can and not sweat it when I can't. Having a baby changes your body in so many ways but the thing to remember is how incredible that is. 

Mini Beach Vacay

Well helllooooo there! Sorry I've been a little MIA but ya know, life. When we found out our friends were planning a beach wedding in October I was still pregnant with Fallon. We didn't know how great of an idea it would be to travel with a baby as first time parents and Chris was starting a new job. But the chance to have a little beach getaway in the fall and see our friends get married could not be passed up. 

We flew down to Tampa Sunday afternoon and thankfully Fallon was pretty much a perfect passenger. We spent the next 2.5 days eating like food has no calories (I made french toast disappear), lounging poolside and dipping our toes into the ocean. Traveling with a 3 month old baby definitely was not the easiest, but honestly she gets an A+ for behavior and going with the flow. It absolutely was worth experiencing so many of her firsts as a family. 

Our friends tied the knot in a beautiful beach ceremony on Tuesday, barefoot and all, with the sun dropping from the sky as the reception started. Fallon wore her very first little black dress and danced with daddy and it was seriously the cutest! She also rocked a bikini like a total beach babe and was a little water baby hanging out in the pool. We had a blast on our first family vacation but even though we only spent a few days away we were ready and happy to come back home. 

Overall, Fallon was a fantastic tiny traveler. I'm sure it was a combination of her age, personality and my obsessive planning. If y'all are interested in a post about flying and traveling with an infant just drop me an e-mail. I'm certainly no expert but I do think we were pretty well prepared and that was most helpful to get max enjoyment out of our vacation. Now I'm off to tackle laundry piles and rid my house of the all the sand we somehow managed to bring home with us!

Happy Halloween weekend!

SAHM Guilt

Lately I am seeing the "mom guilt" subject popping up all over Instagram and many of the blogs I read. What exactly is mom guilt? Well, it probably means a little something different to everyone, but I understand it as that feeling that something you're doing or not doing is making you less of a mother, aka you're failing in some aspect of motherhood. And you feel bad about it. Really bad. 

I think on some levels all moms experience this mom guilt I speak of. But I wanted to specifically talk about it from a stay at home mom standpoint. Many of my friends are working moms and often feeling guilty about leaving their babies in someone's else care everyday, missing milestones or just not being around in case their kids need them. I might be able to avoid those feelings because I do stay home, but I have mom guilt too. And lots of it.

99% of the last 15 weeks I have spent with Fallon. She doesn't take long naps, if she naps at all, and she's a pretty high maintenance little girl. Many days I wear her in my wrap to get things accomplished around the house. Many days I get virtually nothing accomplished. Many days I literally beg her to sleep upstairs in her cradle for just a solid hour so that I can do something without her attached to me or worrying I'll wake her up. And this is where the guilt comes in. 

I feel guilty for wishing she would nap or counting down until her bed time or texting my husband to get his ass home to relieve me on an especially trying day. I think what kind of mother WANTS to get away from her baby? I feel selfish for wanting time to clean the house or blog let alone time just to relax by myself. I keep hearing things in my head like enjoy this time with her while she's little, she'll never be this age again, all the other things can wait because she is most important. Part of me knows that wanting a break from a baby I'm with 24/7 is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. It's healthy to have some time to myself and while caring for Fallon is the best job ever and most important thing I do in my life, it's not the only thing. I'm not just a mother, I'm a wife and a daughter, a sister and a friend. But of course the reason I'm writing this is because the other part of me still feels awful for wanting to put my baby down to vacuum, work out or eat with 2 hands. Maybe I should have Fallon on a better daily schedule, maybe I should try harder to get her to nap, maybe I should be spending more time playing with her instead of responding to texts. 

There is no one among my support group of my husband, family and friends that makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job as a mother. It's quite the contrary. I'm the one with the supermom complex. If I can't do it all myself I feel like I'm failing, because obviously I'm home all day so I should be able to right? What the hell am I doing all day anyway? Why can't I breastfeed, play with the dogs and fold the laundry all at the same time? Oh, that's right, I'm only HUMAN. Yet the guilt is there. 

I'm learning how to deal with it as I go, manage my time better on some days and just wave the white flag on others and be okay with that. I don't think the mom guilt ever goes away though. No matter how much other people tell us we really are doing a great job, no matter how many times we look in the mirror and tell ourselves we totally got this, I don't think any of us ever have a full day without having a moment of guilt. It comes with the territory. But hey, at least we're all in this together right? Next time a wave of the mom guilt hits, just remember there's another mom out there feeling just as guilty for the same reason you are. Feel it, get over it and get on with it. The next mom guilt moment is right around the corner and you gotta get those supermom moments in there while you can!

A Letter To My Husband

Dear Hubby,

Never in your wildest dreams would you have imagined this current reality. But for the guy who thought he'd never get married, never move to the suburbs and never EVER have a baby girl, you're kind of nailing it. Thank you doesn't even begin to cover it but I can't find better words. 

Thank you for loving me for, not in spite of, all my many flaws. Thank you for staying rock steady every time our world is rocked. Thank you for being the calm before and after the storm. Thank you for supporting me always.

Thank you for learning my complicated Starbucks order of the moment and bringing it home. Thank you for making me laugh when I want to cry. Thank you for being the peanut to my butter, and letting me eat straight from the jar. Thank you for saying I'm pretty with messy hair, no makeup and spit up on my shirt. Thank you for not caring when I wear slippers to the grocery. 

Thank you for giving me our precious baby girl. Thank you for loving her more than you knew you could. Thank you for the kisses goodbye when you think we are both fast asleep. Thank you for appreciating me as a wife and a mother. Thank you for always putting us first.

For a guy who planned to be an eternal bachelor, never live steps away from his neighbors or put bows on his daughter, you're kicking ass and taking names. Thank you for being the best damn husband and father I could hope for. Funny how all those nevers have turned into forevers. 

Love, Wife