Motherhood Unplugged

I love being a mom. I'm grateful for 2 healthy + amazing kids. I fully appreciate how hard my husband works so that I can stay home with them as my full time job. But I'm losing my mind and I've got to tell someone about it.

They say the days are long but the years are short. I'm sure I'll find that to be true sooner than I can imagine. But right now, I'm in the trenches. Navigating daily life with 2 little ones, mostly still fully dependent on me, is kind of like walking through a minefield. One wrong step and the shit is going to hit the fan. I don't know how many times I've looked at the clock and been floored that it's 2PM and I've yet to get dressed, and not by choice. Or realized it's 9PM and the day is somehow over and I have no idea how I spent the last 15 hours. Because they certainly weren't productive and not really all that fun. It sometimes seems like EVERYTHING is a struggle. Simple tasks that would take me 10 minutes to complete take an hour with the constant interruptions. I can't even brush my teeth without stopping! Someone wants to be held, someone is hungry, someone has to go potty (3 dogs!). My to-do list gets so long that I just start taking things off all together, realizing that there will never be time to get them done. 

I constantly find myself facing dilemmas about how to spend my time. Do I have Chris take the kids while I speed through those chores that have been put off for too long or do something as a family? Work or play? Plan an outing that will most likely sacrifice nap time and my sanity or stay home and feel guilty about it? Exercise or relax? Fallon wants me to play cars with her but Axton wants to nurse. The toddler is sleeping and the baby is giggling when I tickle his toes but the bills need to be paid. And when was the last time I shaved my legs?! There are lots of things that can wait, but they cannot wait forever. I just want to shower in peace, remember to make the grocery order before we run out of food, wear something that doesn't double as pajamas more than once a week. 

There are so many things I've given up on trying to accomplish while the kids are awake because they aren't worth the extra time they take and stress they cause. But I have so little time that both kids are asleep it feels like I'm racing the clock and never using the time I do get wisely enough. I feel guilty if I get something done while the kids are both content, because I should be using that time to play with them! But I'm anxious if everything is left until after bedtime, because that means I'll have to choose between getting it done or taking time to relax. I would actually skip lunch if I wasn't breastfeeding simply because it's one more thing on the list.

I spend all this time planning and packing for a fun day out and the stress of actually getting there already has me exhausted. And it's super hard to chase a toddler who fears nothing and apparently also hears nothing (unless she wants to) while wearing a baby. I can't keep him out in the sun + heat too long, climb on the playground or go down the water slide. Yet I also can't just snuggle my teething baby all day, because I have a toddler who needs my attention too. 

My husband works an odd schedule and long hours. I am the head of household. The mom. The maid. The chauffeur. The chef. The accountant. The wanna be photographer + blogger + social media influencer. I found something that allows me to fuel my creative fire and get paid for it, working on my own terms while staying home with my babies. But I can't justify the time I spend doing it if I'm not making a certain amount of money. And the time and effort it takes to make that certain amount of money is often more time than I have. It's a constant struggle for balance that I've yet to achieve.

There isn't currently much of a "we" as in my husband and me. We're a hell of a team but we don't get to spend much time together just 2 of us. He works long overnight hours then comes home to tag in while I clean the house or does yard work or tries to make progress on one of the many unfinished projects we have going on. One of us has to be with the kids while the other accomplishes something, we can never work on anything together. And by the time either of us has finished, we choose to use the remainder of our time together as a family. He often stays up for over 24 hours because napping would take away more time. There are so many times he takes Fallon up to bed on those nights he is home and falls asleep next to her. And I don't have the heart to wake him just to watch TV together. 

When people tell me to soak it all in, this time with my kids so little, I often want to laugh sarcastically. They mean the snuggles in my arms, the little hand pulling mine, the bedtime stories and the sloppy kisses.  But it does give me hope that once I'm out of this stage I will actually look back and miss it. Because it seems like it's pretty easy to forget how incredibly HARD it is. The stress, the frustration, the eat you alive guilt. Sometimes I'm even angry. How am I supposed to enjoy my kids when I'm too busy just trying to meet their needs? It feels like treading water. Survival mode.

I count down till bedtime. I dream of being alone in a quiet room for just long enough to drink my iced coffee before all the ice melts. I pray for patience, for mercy and for forgiveness daily. Sometimes I actually go into a closet to scream.

BUT

I get to comfort my kids when they cry. I get to witness their first milestones. I get to put them to bed every night. I know them better than anyone in this entire world. I'm the one who kisses boo boos, sees those sleepy just woke up from a nap smiles, watches them learn new skills and teaches them to be kind. I have the privilege of being with my children as they grow in real time. 

And every night when they are asleep, I miss them. I watch Fallon cuddling snuggled in her bed on the monitor and Ax so cozy in his DockATot beside me. I may be completely exhausted, feeling totally tapped out with scrambled eggs for brains. Yet somehow I feel happy. Fulfilled. I see those sweet, perfect little faces before I close my eyes and all is right in the world. Losing my mind and living my dream all at the same time. Motherhood unplugged. 

Life with Two

We are 10 weeks into life with 2 kids under 2 and in some ways it feels like it's always been this way but in others I'm still thinking OMG I HAVE 2 KIDS. We have fallen into some daily routines at this point but mostly it's a lot of winging it and still trying to figure this whole parenting 2 babies thing out. There's a lot of coffee (and wine), baby wearing, hugs, crying, patience, stress and love. 

Our mornings start before 7AM and everyone has breakfast. A few days a week I try to get rolling so we can get out of the house before it's approximately 1 million degrees outside. We may hit the park for a walk, run errands or meet up with friends. Sometimes I try to get in a workout and get ready and other days it's just pjs all around, coffee on repeat until nap time. Fallon has been napping consistently from about 12:30-2:30 and OMG what a game changer. After she goes down I am usually able to get Ax down too and then have some time to eat lunch and check things off the ol' to-do list. We loosely follow eat, play, sleep with Axton so sometimes he's awake before Fallon. I'll feed and play with him or wear him, put him in the swing ect. if I'm trying to finish up something before Fallon wakes up. In the afternoons we hit the pool, play in the backyard or watch Trolls literally over and over again while playing with all the toys. I set out Fallon's "dinner" between 5-5:30 and she eats it over the next hour or so. Bath time, relax + feed the baby, then bedtime. I get Ax down then take Fallon upstairs to sing our little song and snuggle. Of course things look a little differently when daddy is home but for the most part, this is the way our days go.

I try to keep expectations low and spirits high. I allow myself to get frustrated, feel overwhelmed and get upset before shaking it off and counting my blessings. I accept help when it's offered and ask for it when I need it. I wash my hair once a week, get a venti when I need it and leave the laundry in dryer in favor of snuggling my sleeping baby. Most of the time when I'm solo it's a total shit show of toddler tantrums, dry shampoo, popsicle juice and mommy milk. It's a little chaotic but I love being home with my babies so freaking much. 

Nursing Friendly

Mom Truth Monday

I will be the first one to admit that I don't have it all together. Not even close. I'm the person who gets ready to checkout at the grocery store then realizes the one thing I forgot and really need is on the other side of the store. I pay all my bills on time but can't remember to buy new toothbrushes. If I'm showered and my kid and I are dressed it's either because my husband is home or my house is a dirty mess. So although you won't see the evidence in my life in pictures, I'll just go ahead and tell you a few secrets.

I wash my hair once a week

I started washing it less in an effort to keep it healthier. Then I had a baby and quit my office job and it became a necessity. I have no special tricks, just lots of dry shampoo, top knots and hats. 

On average I sleep in my "clothes" 4-5 days a week. 

So basically I wear pajamas that pass for outfits most days, thank you fashion gods for making athleisure a thing. I would blame it on being pregnant but I really just love comfy clothes. 

I don't cook dinner.

5 nights a week it's just Fallon and me for dinner since Chris is sleeping before work. I'm exhausted by the time I would need to cook and Fallon screams + hangs on my legs nearly every time I try. I don't even like cooking so I don't bother picking this battle. Fallon eats whatever combination of decently healthy foods I can throw together quickly and I eat when she's in bed. 

I'm the anti-germaphobe.

I care very much about my family's health + wellness and am responsible during flu season, but in general germs don't concern me. Fallon has eaten questionable things off the floors, licked the table at a restaurant and put her dirty mall play place fingers in her mouth before I think to wipe them #becuaseteething. None of it raises my blood pressure in the slightest. 

I bribe my kid.

I think most of us will admit to this one but I may do it too often. And always with food. Cake pops to sit nicely in the cart at Target. Candy for cute photos. Cinnamon bread so I can just freaking fold a load of laundry without 500 interruptions. Goldfish in the grocery check out so you won't start screaming? Sure! Fruit snacks over karate kicks during a diaper change? You bet. And of course you can have MORE teddy grahams in exchange for silence in the car. 

I'm nowhere near perfect and won't ever claim to be. But those dang pictures sure do hit the highlights, don't they? So just remember, you probably aren't doing at least one of these things so you're already one upping me!

True Life: Tales From Toddler Town

I had all these ideas and big plans for blog posts this season. And as you can see, I haven't quite delivered. So while my baby and my husband sleep, I'm taking this time to talk about why.

Motherhood, as all mothers know, is not for the faint of heart. It can be all consuming sometimes and I've been working to keep the part of me that's just me and not mama, still afloat. Incorporating more topics into my social media world like fashion, food and home decor has definitely helped me remember that I am in fact, still me. But today it's all about motherhood. No links, no ads, no fun things to share. Just me talking about being mom from my current stage of life.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so while this is for me, it's also for you. Any of you who feel like you're the only one in this position. Any of you who need a moment to think well at least my kid doesn't do THAT. Any of you who just need to read a little motherhood in the raw and know that it's okay to feel however you feel about right in this moment. As mamas our kids are our hearts, living and breathing right outside of our bodies. A mother's love cannot be defined and oh how we love our babies. But I'm telling you, and myself, it's okay to have moments, days, whole weeks, when you wonder who the hell thought having kids was such a good idea. 

Fallon is a bright kid. I'm not bragging, although every mama should. She's been paid extra close attention to in the developmental sense due to the nature of her birth. But 16 months in and she's not only hitting milestones appropriately, she's leapfrogging many of them like it's her job. Her personality is one of extremes. There was never a happier kid in all the world than my kid when she's happy. And there was never a more pissed off kid in all the world than my kid when she's mad. Or so it seems. I'm a stay at home mom with a husband who works extra hours. And I have to say, toddler town has been one wild and crazy place these days. 

Frustration. That's kind of the word of the moment. Fallon has so much frustration in that little body of hers from knowing things in her mind but not being physically capable of them yet. The result: behavioral manifestation aka tantrums. Massive, constant, can I take her back tantrums. I have frustration from desperately trying to understand her, to teach her, to deal with her when all my best efforts are failing. The result: mom guilt. Massive, constant, who let me be a mother guilt. And it's quite the vicious cycle isn't it? 

We try so hard to be super moms, setting these lofty goals for the day, planning fun things and making ourselves believe this level of functioning is not only attainable but the standard. Come back down to reality with me for a moment. WHAT PLANET ARE WE LIVING ON?! We aren't just moms. We are daughters, wives, sisters, friends oh and ya know our own people as well. And let's not forget we're that lame thing society refers to as adults, which comes with it's own lovely set of responsibilities. Life is a juggling act across the board. I'm certainly not saying ditch the to-do list all together or stop making fun plans, setting expectations or dreaming big. Just give yourself a break. Remember, you're only human. Cry when your kid throws that breakfast you woke up early to make and were so excited to show them right in your face. Drown your guilt for shoving your kid at your husband the second he walks in the door saying GET HER AWAY FROM ME in a venti overpriced coffee at (insert favorite place to escape to). Blow up your friends about how stressed + overwhelmed you are when it's Thursday night and the entire week's to-do list is still somehow staring back at you. We've all been there, are there, will be there again. 

I spend most of my days losing track of the amount of kicking, screaming, launching things across the room tantrums, cleaning up new messes literally left behind me as I clean up old ones and doing everything either in high speed motion while my child is momentarily entertained, with her crying and trying to climb my legs or actually in my arms. I rarely cook dinner, bribe my kid with snacks and countdown that last half hour till bedtime almost every night. I am 100% sure that a man invented daily savings time, I have no idea of the last time my linen closet didn't resemble a frat house but I am sure that teething is the bane of my existence. I can't believe it's already been a week since I did a big grocery trip, that it's time to clean the bathrooms AGAIN or how quickly a new basket of laundry to wash has appeared. Oh yea and afternoon naps are so not overrrated. At least I don't think. But I don't have a lot of experience with that. Eyeroll. #fallyfallynonaps

But you know what else? I am completely, utterly, some other words that don't even exist in love with being my kid's mom. Motherhood may not define me but it does fulfill me. Fallon was meant to be my baby. I was meant to be her mama. And even when I feel like I'm totally failing. I am actually damn good at my job. 

And so are you mama, so are you.

12 Months Of Fallon

It has been harder and harder to keep up with these monthly updates but I am so glad I stuck it out. These are like a virtual scrapbook that I already love looking back on to remember what Fallon was doing each month. I'm lame and never got around to doing an actual baby book so these blog posts will have to do!

Fallon's one year checkup was this morning and she weighed in at 19.5lbs, 29.25 inches tall. A thirteenth tooth is coming in so she has a mouthful of teeth to chomp all the food she gobbles up. Her hair is finally getting a bit thicker but it is far from being ponytail length. One day it will happen! 

The scoot is still her favorite way to get around but she has been cruising across all the furniture and the baby pool for a few weeks now. She does stand on her own for short periods and has a taken a step on a few recent occasions. But she has proved to be the kind of kid that does things when she wants, whether she is capable is irrelevant. She loves stuffed animals, dolls and blankets and cuddles them up to her chest melting us into puddles. It's the best ever though when she hugs us and says awwww. 

We still haven't found a food she won't at least try and she's eating things just like we do now. She can wield a spoon but prefers to dive into applesauce with both hands. I can't say I blame her. But even though she eats all day long and still nurses 3 times a day, she remains petite, save for the little thigh rolls and belly. So many people have asked if I cried on her birthday and have begged her to stay little but I could not be happier about my baby turning one! The more she is able to do the more fun we have. It is exhausting chasing her around and ensuring that she isn't doing things she's not supposed to, but I just love that she's becoming my little buddy. Watching her learn to do things on her own and seeing her interact with her world on a higher level is so amazing and joyful for me. 

Fallon Lynn you have turned our whole world upside down this past year in the best possible way. Every day we learn as much from you as you learn from us. We are so very excited to see what this next year has in store and can't wait to watch you grow!

Summer Starts Here

Memorial Day weekend always seems like the big summer kickoff for us, even if it's not officially summer yet. We've been spending so much time picking out lots of pretty flowers for our yard and watching Chris plant them (he's the green thumb to my black thumb) and enjoying all the new blooms at our local parks. Some days it feels like we live at Home Depot!

Last year this time I was so excited to meet our little babe and spent most of the summer caring for tiny newborn Fallon. This year we have plans to teach her what summertime is all about. I see lots of early morning trail walks, donut dates and picnics at the park. We joined our local swim club and have already been poolside twice with our water baby. Cookouts with friends, homemade popsicles, playdates at the splash pad and lots and lots of deck hangs with good music are all on our summer bucket list. 

We'll be hitting up the beach again later in the season but for now we are just looking forward to all that this summer has to offer us here in NKY. Old favorites like the zoo and the conservatory will be visited and hopefully some new places and restaurants with outdoor seating. Our little summer baby loves being outside and having lots of fun things to see and do. Summer 2017, we are coming for you!

10 Months Of Fallon

It's official, we've got a mover and a shaker on our hands. Fallon is scooting all over the house and she's super fast! She's pulling to stand and working very hard on standing on her own from sitting. Our ten month old has experienced several firsts this month including her first bout of HFM, a double ear infection and an allergic reaction to red dye. She also traveled via airplane for the second time in her young life and went on a cruise that took her outside the country! 

There aren't any new teeth in her tiny mouth just yet but she's showing all signs of hard core teething again so we're betting which one will come through next. Fallon has reached a new level of interaction now and it is so fun to watch her point, wave hi and bye and purposely snuggle us! She continues to sleep through the night, gimme 10!, and naps most days at least for a little bit. 

Of course she's still fooling the world into thinking she's the happiest baby on the block because she usually is when we're out and about. At home, well, she's started this new thing. Tantrums. Holy flippin' Mariah Carey tantrums. Girlfriend will scream if she doesn't get what she wants and throw herself dramatically on the ground, kick, flail and throw whatever else is offered to her. It's like a 2 year old trapped in a 10 month old body. Can we all say DIVA?!

But we love her from her head to her monkey toes. And while I patiently (not) wait for her to say anything resembling "mama" she's getting really good at "dada", "uh-oh" and "hi". Because why bother saying "mama" when she's always around and all you have to do is reach for her? Wink, wink. 

I'm Just Like You

They say the days are long but the years are short. I'm sure that's true because I can't believe how fast 8 months have gone by. But right now the days are just long. I love being a mom, I love staying home with Fallon and I love watching her grow every day. But we've been in the thick of big developmental changes and hardcore teething and I've sort of felt like I fell down the rabbit hole. Caring for a baby who wants to constantly be held, will not entertain herself, fights naps or refuses them all together is exhausting. Keeping up with cleaning, the laundry, the errands and of course being mom to 6 furballs is a whole other level of chaos. And let's not forget trying to have some fun in the midst of it all, well, that's just plain crazy. 

I know everything is a season, I will miss these days when I look back and I probably won't even remember the weeks I actually did lose my mind. But just in case you're in the thick of it too, I wanted you to know that you're not alone. A picture takes a second to snap, literally one second. So don't be fooled by all the happy baby pictures. I'm pretty sure we can all get a smile once a day. And behind that camera is usually Chris or I doing embarrassing things to get Fallon to make those cute faces. We are tired, stressed out parents just trying to navigate the craziness of life like everyone else. There's usually full laundry baskets in the closet waiting to be washed. I'm always forgetting things at the grocery and trying to find the time to go back for them. My hair is usually in a dirty topknot and I drink too much coffee. I get upset, I get frustrated, I get angry. I compare myself to all the other mamas who seem to have it all together. I'm just like you. I was reminded by a friend that while I'm over here wondering how everybody else seems to be doing it all right when I'm doing it all wrong, there are people thinking I'm the one with the perfect life. So that's the entire purpose of this post, to let you know that I'm riding the hot mess express every single day. Some days I do it in pjs and some days I do it in heels. But my life is just as perfectly imperfect as the next mom's and if you need me I'll be trying to find the remote that I swear was just right here so I can catch up on Grey's Anatomy. 

8 Months Of Fallon

Although she's not growing quite as fast as she was in the earlier months, all of a sudden my baby is starting to look more like a toddler. She still has yet to turn down any type of food, but she definitely has her preferences: cheese and PB, just like her mama! So far broccoli is her favorite veggie, she especially loves the trees, and blackberries are her favorite fruit, she will even eat them before her beloved pancakes. We give her flavored teething biscuits and she's recently started offering them to her pups (and occasionally to us) to share. It's the cutest ever and she didn't even get mad when Ares took her up on her offer. We don't want to discourage sharing, there's nothing in those biscuits that will hurt our dogs, and as long as they aren't breaking any house rules, fair is fair. 

Speaking of teething, she still just has her 2 bottom teeth in but she's been working so hard on the top right canine. This week it has finally started to look like it might break through any day now so hopefully she will get a bit of relief. Overall, it's been making her pretty fussy when she's not too busy eating, playing or "singing". She is really starting to use her voice and discover all the sounds she can make. I've finally come to terms with the fact that she's said her first word, dada. I mean c'mon, I carried and delivered her and take care of her all day long and she looks right at him and says dada but just smiles when I try to get her to say mama. Hashtag whatever. I do love seeing Chris light up when she says it although he pretends like it's no big deal. 

Still no crawling going on but she does go forward onto her hands and knees from a sitting position. And then cries. We've even tried to bait her with food but she's too smart for our tricks. Can't blame the girl for choosing a free ride while she can get it. We are trying to teach her a bit of sign language so maybe she will be less frustrated when she can't tell us what she wants. So far though all she does is wave hello or goodbye. It's pretty freaking cute because she uses her fingers, not just her whole hand, and I'm pretty sure she made our favorite Starbucks barista's entire year yesterday showing him her new skill. Next up is her first St. Patty's Day, 9 month appointment and vacation! 

Birth Story Disappointment

You know those pictures of babies laying on mom's chest right after they are born? Or the ones with dad in scrubs proudly holding up baby next to mom's smiling face on the operating table? I hate to admit this but while I certainly appreciate the beauty of them, they make me sad. They make me jealous. They make me feel the sting of disappointment because I don't have any like them. It's not because we forgot to take any. It's because we weren't able to. 

The 5 seconds I got to hold Fallon after her breathing was stabilized and before they whisked her away to the NICU and left me behind

You can read Fallon's birth story here if you haven't already. A day that should have been one of the happiest of my life was actually the scariest. I don't get all the warm fuzzies telling my little girl's birth story. I don't smile fondly remembering it. I don't feel excited to talk about it with Fallon one day. I'm totally jaded by my experience and I hate that. I'm so utterly and completely ashamed that I feel like this but it's been on my heart for too long to keep inside. The truth is, I'm mad that things happened the way they did. I'm upset that I don't well up with happiness when I think about it. I feel like I was robbed of the wonderfulness the birth of a baby is supposed to be. And I'm just honestly kind of pissed off about all these negative emotions existing where only positive one should be. 

People say you don't remember the pain, the physical and mental exhaustion, the graphic and gory details of labor and delivery. Wrong. So wrong. I do. I remember exactly the way the contractions felt when my epidural suddenly wore off while pushing. I remember exactly how my muscles ached and my mind tried to shut down. I remember exactly the horror of seeing my oh so pale baby girl for the first time and knowing immediately she was not okay. And that last part is the one that kills me. A moment that should have been filled with nothing but elation instead took my breath away in the very worst kind of way. 

After learning I was the mother of a baby girl and she was far too briefly plopped on my chest, my first words were nothing short of heartbreaking. They say the brain has the amazing ability to block out events too painful for the mind to handle. I don't remember screaming "why isn't she crying" over and over in a state of panic but my husband can't forget it. 

Yes, we were among the lucky ones whose story has a happy ending. So part of me feels ridiculous for complaining about a not so fairytale-like birth story. But I can't stop the disappointment, the angry tears, the wishing it was different feelings from bubbling up every time I think about it. Why didn't I get to snuggle my fresh newborn? Why couldn't I be right there to comfort her while she took her first look around this big scary world? Why wasn't I able to hold her and let her know she was safe right there in mama's arms? 

Nearly 8 months after Fallon's birth, I've accepted her story. I absolutely still wish I could change it, but I've come to terms with it. And I've decided that I'm allowed to be upset about it. I'm allowed to feel the negative feelings. I'm allowed to wish things happened differently. But what I need to focus on is that we came home with a healthy baby girl. She survived. Really that's what matters. And one day maybe I'll have a positive spin on the whole thing. 

Now excuse me while I go creep into that perfect sleeping baby girl's room and snuggle her to give me all the happy feelings. 

Zoo Trip

Mr. Dierks Bentley has a song called Settle For A Slowdown and that's exactly what came to mind yesterday although I have a bit of a different spin on it. Since having Fallon I feel like I've been living life completely in the fast lane. I'm constantly in motion, jumping from one thing to the next, trying to do so many things all at once. While this is just the way my life is for the most part, I've forgotten to give myself a break lately. We won't be vacationing until later this year but in the meantime, I'll settle for a slowdown.

Yesterday morning we found out Beau was staying home sick and our weird winter weather was feeling a lot like spring. Chris was off for the day and I hesitated for a minute thinking of all the spring cleaning I should start before deciding to blow it all off and have a family day at the zoo. We took Fallon for the first time last fall and even though she was only 3.5 months old, she seemed to really enjoy it. So we packed up some snacks and headed out after Fallon's morning nap. 

The sun was shining, the animals were out and active and we were able to walk around and check them out at our leisure with so few other people around. We got to the cathouse just after feeding time and almost all of them were roaming around and coming up to the glass. Fallon loved seeing all the "kitties" and was especially excited to see the Bengal tiger up close and personal. We also saw all kinds of monkey business, white lions sunbathing, polar bears having lunch, goats in training and a flamingo parade. It was by far one of the most fun days we've had as a family and oh my did we need it! Fallon napped in the car, we ate leftovers for dinner and didn't check one single thing off our to-do list. 

Our life is fairly fast paced and really, we'd probably be bored if it wasn't. But every now and then we need to ditch our responsibilities and just have fun. I can't always sidestep all my duties but I'll settle for a slowdown once in awhile. 

Confessions Of A SAHM

No baby is truly easy. Some are just easier than others. It all depends on your experience, the baby's personality, the parent's personality, the situation ect. Babies are completely dependent on their caretakers. They're basically adorable parasites. Really you shouldn't compare your kid to any other kid, not even siblings. But we all do it, usually unintentionally, so you can gage how easy your kid is in the grand scheme of things. 

My kid is difficult. Really difficult. There, I said it. 

It's been a few years but I've cared for a lot of little ones throughout my babysitting days. Recently my friends all started having kids and I even care for one 3 days a week so the full spectrum is at my disposal for comparison. You could argue that I'm being dramatic, my expectations are too high as a first time mom, I'm overwhelmed by being a SAHM and inexperienced having a child of my own. All of those things are partly true. But I'm not overreacting. I'm with my baby 24/7 and I know her better than anyone. 

Some kids are difficult in the sleep department, some have trouble with feeding, some want all the attention and some just want mama. And then there's Fallon. She's strong willed, stubborn and smart as hell. She's demanding, dramatic and intense. She's sassy, sweet and oh so curious. This is her personality. And I wouldn't change a damn thing about it. But oh dear Lord does she drive me nuts. 

Until babies can talk their method of communication is fussing, crying or straight up wailing. Fallon typically likes to go ahead and turn the volume right up. She doesn't mess around. On a typical day she screams like a bear is after her at least 20 times. She's hungry, we aren't feeding her fast enough, she's teething, she's tired, she's bored, she needs her diaper changed, she doesn't want to get dressed, she hates tummy time, she's frustrated, she wants out (of the car seat, high chair, bouncer, ect.) and the list goes on. When she's happy, oh man is she HAPPY. The happiest baby there ever was. But finding what makes her happy is a full time job. 

Most days we are at home Fallon wakes up ready to nurse. If I don't come fast enough she wails. If I get her before she starts crying in her bed, she still wails because I didn't latch her the second I picked her up. On the days it's still early I bring her into my bed and nurse her laying down to take those few extra minutes to doze. Sometimes she'll doze back off with me, others she cries and we get up, because she's so over being in bed. Sometimes she'll play in her jumperoo while I feed the furballs, let the dogs out and make my breakfast. Other times I do it all with her on my hip. She wails if she's ready for her real breakfast aka solids and I don't have everything out fast enough. She even wails between bites because obviously I should be shoveling more food into her mouth as quickly as possible. Choking be damned. She wails during tummy time, sometimes immediately, to the point that she's red faced with a flow of tears. She wails after playing with the same toy for more than a few minutes, she wails because she's over all the toys, then wails because she's tired but wails harder because she fights naps. She wails to be held so much I seriously have the most arm definition I've ever had in my life. She wails while I'm trying to dress her and myself, she wails in the car and when she wakes up from a snooze in the car seat. She wails during diaper changes, when I won't let her have my coffee and when she wants me to stand up with her because I might as well be torturing her if I sit down. In short, she uses those little lungs an awful lot. 

If I'm lucky she now naps twice a day (praise God). But the timing and duration vary despite our best efforts to get her onto a nap time schedule. When she succumbs to sleep I HUSTLE to do all the things. Not much on the to-do list is accomplished when she's awake because I just can't do it all with a 16 lb baby and 1 hand. When Chris is home we tag team but since his job is outside the home, I'm the primary caregiver. Sometimes I'm already exhausted by 9:00AM. Some days we don't do tummy time. At all. Argue with me that my sanity is worth her laying there doing nothing but screaming. I dare you. There are so many days we don't change out of our pjs. You seriously might find me mopping the floors at 10PM because it's the only time I have to do it. When people say the dishes or the laundry can wait, I say they can't wait forever. 

Now that I've made it sound like my life is some kind of terrifying horror movie, let me go on. The truth is, being Fallon's mama is completely and utterly exhausting. It's beyond stressful and overwhelming. BUT, yes, here it is. I absolutely LOVE it. If I have to figure out how to do everything while holding her, so be it. If I have to go through every single toy we have, read every book, sing every song and ultimately let her gnaw on the car keys, I will. If she will only nap in my arms, nurse until she falls asleep or chew on my fingers because she's teething and nothing else will do, that's fine. I have a healthy baby girl. Sometimes the happiest baby girl. The baby with the big smile and the bright eyes at the grocery store because shopping is her favorite. Every day I get to wake up and be her mama is a good day, even if I don't remember that until it's over. It's always going to be difficult to be Fallon's mom, but it couldn't be easier to love her. 

When I'm at the end of my rope, ready to take off running for the hills, that's usually when the sweetest moments come. Some days my best is better than other days. Some days I remember to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer and then go get it to fold. Some days we get dressed in cute outfits and find somewhere to take a picture that makes it look like we totally have our shit together. Real life as a mom is a roller coaster. The highest highs and the lowest lows, laughing, screaming and hanging on tight through the tunnels and when everything flips upside down. It's a ride that scares me half to death, gives me the biggest thrills and makes me never want to get off. My baby might be difficult, but she's mine. And I will take all her wailing right along with her sweet giggles just as long as I get to be her mama. 

Adventures In Babysitting

When I tell people I babysit my BFF's son, who is 3.5 months younger than Fallon, most of them think I'm crazy. Well, that may be true, but having the closest I may ever come to twins a few days a week hasn't exactly been the shit show you might think.

Beau is a laid back, easy-going, go with the flow kind of kid. The yin to Fallon's yang. He lets me know when he's hungry, and recently, if his little gums are hurting. But he's a chill little dude most of the time. A sweet, snuggly little boy is the best kind of babe I could ask to babysit. And can we talk about those cheeks?! 

Sure, it's not always easy peasy making sure that 2 babies have all of their needs met and I feel like I'm giving each one the best level of care. But it's worth it. The interaction is great for them and they both really seem to enjoy babbling to each other and gnawing on each other's fingers. It's fun to watch and I love that I'll have all these pictures to embarrass them with as teenagers. 

Leaving your baby in someone else's care all day is a big deal. I'm humbled that my friends trust me implicitly with their son. The best part about your kid being with your friend all day is that you can ask for updates, pictures and videos any time! Truly I appreciate the faith in me to treat Beau like my own baby and give him the care he deserves. 

Our day starts around 6:30AM when Beau's dad drops him off on his way to work. Fallon wakes between 7-7:30  and I spend the early part of the morning feeding babies. We play before Fallon's first nap and then usually Beau falls asleep. More feedings, diaper changes and play time in the afternoon, lots of pictures and coffee for me, then second naps. Beau's dad gets off work at 3 and picks him up on his way home. Sometimes I can't believe how fast the day goes by, these cuties keep me busy! 

Sometimes you can find me nursing Fallon with one arm and feeding Beau propped up on my feet with the other. Sometimes I get the best arm workout I've ever had while carrying over 30 lbs of baby around my house to keep the peace. Sometimes it takes 7 times as long as it should to run an errand, partly due to all the attention 2 babies bring. But it's always the best job there is.