I had all these ideas and big plans for blog posts this season. And as you can see, I haven't quite delivered. So while my baby and my husband sleep, I'm taking this time to talk about why.
Motherhood, as all mothers know, is not for the faint of heart. It can be all consuming sometimes and I've been working to keep the part of me that's just me and not mama, still afloat. Incorporating more topics into my social media world like fashion, food and home decor has definitely helped me remember that I am in fact, still me. But today it's all about motherhood. No links, no ads, no fun things to share. Just me talking about being mom from my current stage of life.
Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so while this is for me, it's also for you. Any of you who feel like you're the only one in this position. Any of you who need a moment to think well at least my kid doesn't do THAT. Any of you who just need to read a little motherhood in the raw and know that it's okay to feel however you feel about right in this moment. As mamas our kids are our hearts, living and breathing right outside of our bodies. A mother's love cannot be defined and oh how we love our babies. But I'm telling you, and myself, it's okay to have moments, days, whole weeks, when you wonder who the hell thought having kids was such a good idea.
Fallon is a bright kid. I'm not bragging, although every mama should. She's been paid extra close attention to in the developmental sense due to the nature of her birth. But 16 months in and she's not only hitting milestones appropriately, she's leapfrogging many of them like it's her job. Her personality is one of extremes. There was never a happier kid in all the world than my kid when she's happy. And there was never a more pissed off kid in all the world than my kid when she's mad. Or so it seems. I'm a stay at home mom with a husband who works extra hours. And I have to say, toddler town has been one wild and crazy place these days.
Frustration. That's kind of the word of the moment. Fallon has so much frustration in that little body of hers from knowing things in her mind but not being physically capable of them yet. The result: behavioral manifestation aka tantrums. Massive, constant, can I take her back tantrums. I have frustration from desperately trying to understand her, to teach her, to deal with her when all my best efforts are failing. The result: mom guilt. Massive, constant, who let me be a mother guilt. And it's quite the vicious cycle isn't it?
We try so hard to be super moms, setting these lofty goals for the day, planning fun things and making ourselves believe this level of functioning is not only attainable but the standard. Come back down to reality with me for a moment. WHAT PLANET ARE WE LIVING ON?! We aren't just moms. We are daughters, wives, sisters, friends oh and ya know our own people as well. And let's not forget we're that lame thing society refers to as adults, which comes with it's own lovely set of responsibilities. Life is a juggling act across the board. I'm certainly not saying ditch the to-do list all together or stop making fun plans, setting expectations or dreaming big. Just give yourself a break. Remember, you're only human. Cry when your kid throws that breakfast you woke up early to make and were so excited to show them right in your face. Drown your guilt for shoving your kid at your husband the second he walks in the door saying GET HER AWAY FROM ME in a venti overpriced coffee at (insert favorite place to escape to). Blow up your friends about how stressed + overwhelmed you are when it's Thursday night and the entire week's to-do list is still somehow staring back at you. We've all been there, are there, will be there again.
I spend most of my days losing track of the amount of kicking, screaming, launching things across the room tantrums, cleaning up new messes literally left behind me as I clean up old ones and doing everything either in high speed motion while my child is momentarily entertained, with her crying and trying to climb my legs or actually in my arms. I rarely cook dinner, bribe my kid with snacks and countdown that last half hour till bedtime almost every night. I am 100% sure that a man invented daily savings time, I have no idea of the last time my linen closet didn't resemble a frat house but I am sure that teething is the bane of my existence. I can't believe it's already been a week since I did a big grocery trip, that it's time to clean the bathrooms AGAIN or how quickly a new basket of laundry to wash has appeared. Oh yea and afternoon naps are so not overrrated. At least I don't think. But I don't have a lot of experience with that. Eyeroll. #fallyfallynonaps
But you know what else? I am completely, utterly, some other words that don't even exist in love with being my kid's mom. Motherhood may not define me but it does fulfill me. Fallon was meant to be my baby. I was meant to be her mama. And even when I feel like I'm totally failing. I am actually damn good at my job.
And so are you mama, so are you.
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