Motherhood Unplugged

I love being a mom. I'm grateful for 2 healthy + amazing kids. I fully appreciate how hard my husband works so that I can stay home with them as my full time job. But I'm losing my mind and I've got to tell someone about it.

They say the days are long but the years are short. I'm sure I'll find that to be true sooner than I can imagine. But right now, I'm in the trenches. Navigating daily life with 2 little ones, mostly still fully dependent on me, is kind of like walking through a minefield. One wrong step and the shit is going to hit the fan. I don't know how many times I've looked at the clock and been floored that it's 2PM and I've yet to get dressed, and not by choice. Or realized it's 9PM and the day is somehow over and I have no idea how I spent the last 15 hours. Because they certainly weren't productive and not really all that fun. It sometimes seems like EVERYTHING is a struggle. Simple tasks that would take me 10 minutes to complete take an hour with the constant interruptions. I can't even brush my teeth without stopping! Someone wants to be held, someone is hungry, someone has to go potty (3 dogs!). My to-do list gets so long that I just start taking things off all together, realizing that there will never be time to get them done. 

I constantly find myself facing dilemmas about how to spend my time. Do I have Chris take the kids while I speed through those chores that have been put off for too long or do something as a family? Work or play? Plan an outing that will most likely sacrifice nap time and my sanity or stay home and feel guilty about it? Exercise or relax? Fallon wants me to play cars with her but Axton wants to nurse. The toddler is sleeping and the baby is giggling when I tickle his toes but the bills need to be paid. And when was the last time I shaved my legs?! There are lots of things that can wait, but they cannot wait forever. I just want to shower in peace, remember to make the grocery order before we run out of food, wear something that doesn't double as pajamas more than once a week. 

There are so many things I've given up on trying to accomplish while the kids are awake because they aren't worth the extra time they take and stress they cause. But I have so little time that both kids are asleep it feels like I'm racing the clock and never using the time I do get wisely enough. I feel guilty if I get something done while the kids are both content, because I should be using that time to play with them! But I'm anxious if everything is left until after bedtime, because that means I'll have to choose between getting it done or taking time to relax. I would actually skip lunch if I wasn't breastfeeding simply because it's one more thing on the list.

I spend all this time planning and packing for a fun day out and the stress of actually getting there already has me exhausted. And it's super hard to chase a toddler who fears nothing and apparently also hears nothing (unless she wants to) while wearing a baby. I can't keep him out in the sun + heat too long, climb on the playground or go down the water slide. Yet I also can't just snuggle my teething baby all day, because I have a toddler who needs my attention too. 

My husband works an odd schedule and long hours. I am the head of household. The mom. The maid. The chauffeur. The chef. The accountant. The wanna be photographer + blogger + social media influencer. I found something that allows me to fuel my creative fire and get paid for it, working on my own terms while staying home with my babies. But I can't justify the time I spend doing it if I'm not making a certain amount of money. And the time and effort it takes to make that certain amount of money is often more time than I have. It's a constant struggle for balance that I've yet to achieve.

There isn't currently much of a "we" as in my husband and me. We're a hell of a team but we don't get to spend much time together just 2 of us. He works long overnight hours then comes home to tag in while I clean the house or does yard work or tries to make progress on one of the many unfinished projects we have going on. One of us has to be with the kids while the other accomplishes something, we can never work on anything together. And by the time either of us has finished, we choose to use the remainder of our time together as a family. He often stays up for over 24 hours because napping would take away more time. There are so many times he takes Fallon up to bed on those nights he is home and falls asleep next to her. And I don't have the heart to wake him just to watch TV together. 

When people tell me to soak it all in, this time with my kids so little, I often want to laugh sarcastically. They mean the snuggles in my arms, the little hand pulling mine, the bedtime stories and the sloppy kisses.  But it does give me hope that once I'm out of this stage I will actually look back and miss it. Because it seems like it's pretty easy to forget how incredibly HARD it is. The stress, the frustration, the eat you alive guilt. Sometimes I'm even angry. How am I supposed to enjoy my kids when I'm too busy just trying to meet their needs? It feels like treading water. Survival mode.

I count down till bedtime. I dream of being alone in a quiet room for just long enough to drink my iced coffee before all the ice melts. I pray for patience, for mercy and for forgiveness daily. Sometimes I actually go into a closet to scream.

BUT

I get to comfort my kids when they cry. I get to witness their first milestones. I get to put them to bed every night. I know them better than anyone in this entire world. I'm the one who kisses boo boos, sees those sleepy just woke up from a nap smiles, watches them learn new skills and teaches them to be kind. I have the privilege of being with my children as they grow in real time. 

And every night when they are asleep, I miss them. I watch Fallon cuddling snuggled in her bed on the monitor and Ax so cozy in his DockATot beside me. I may be completely exhausted, feeling totally tapped out with scrambled eggs for brains. Yet somehow I feel happy. Fulfilled. I see those sweet, perfect little faces before I close my eyes and all is right in the world. Losing my mind and living my dream all at the same time. Motherhood unplugged. 

Baby #2 Mom Guilt: Part II

It may seem a little bit crazy, but I have mom guilt over something that hasn't even happened yet. Fallon's birthday, a day that should have been one of the happiest of my life, was actually the most terrifying. There are unfortunately still a lot of negative emotions there and I don't get all the warm + fuzzy feelings when I think about it. I still remember how quickly the air shifted in the deliver room. The nurse calling for the team of people who would rush in and have to save my baby as soon as she came out. The alarmingly serious look on my doctor's face and her tone of voice when she told me to push with everything I had instead of waiting for contractions. There were no happy tears when she said said It's a girl. Time stood still as I waited to hear my daughter cry, squeak, make any noise at all. I got to hold her just long enough for Chris's shaking hands to snap a picture. No fresh newborn snuggles, first feedings, heart melting moments watching my husband become a father or elated announcement to our waiting family. 

There is no way to express the gratitude I have that our story has a happy ending. We walked out of the NICU with a healthy baby just 2 days later. A little girl who miraculously suffered no complications from her birth, nursed for 14 months and continues to amaze us as a growing toddler. And while I certainly find my daughter's dramatic birth fitting of her personality, it is still something I struggle to fully come to terms with. 

My guilt sets in as soon as I think about baby #2's birthday. It won't be anything like Fallon's. Most likely it will be wonderful, just the way every parent wants to imagine. My husband will be amusing us with his sarcasm, nervous as hell but quietly excited in his way.  The nurses will be chatting me up about Fallon and asking if I have any final thought on the baby's sex. My doctor will be telling the latest my kids are driving me crazy story and then coaching me in her very simple, direct way. Chris and I will look at each other with sheer joy over learning we have another daughter or a son. He or she will cry in customary I've just been evicted from my safe place way and placed on my chest. The atmosphere in the room will be light and happy. No one will come to take my baby. I'll be basking in newborn glory with all the kisses and cuddles, right there to comfort him or her from all the scary new sounds and smells. I'll watch Chris hold his second born, right there in the room with me. There will be pictures capturing all these sweet birthday moments. Calls and texts to family and friends sharing our happy news. All the things that we never experienced the first time. Joy and contentment when we've only known fear.

And I cannot help that it pains me to think that my second child will have this happy story I remember every year on the day he or she arrives. I'm already guilty that such opposite emotions will be felt for each baby's birthday. It just doesn't seem right or fair that Fallon's story only has a happy ending. That her daddy and I can still barely look at the pictures of her in the hospital. That we were both nearly brought to tears thinking of what might have been on the morning we celebrated her first year of life. 

I realize that this is way things go. Every birth story can't be full of rainbows and sunshine. And, contrary to the tone of this post, I'm actually not trying to go down a morbid rabbit hole and take you all with me. I'm putting this out there because it's been weighing so heavily on my heart for nearly this entire pregnancy. It's doesn't take over the feelings of excitement to welcome another child or the happiness of becoming a mother again. But I can't imagine I am the only one who has been here. And if you have or you are, I'm writing it all out for all of us. As for the rest of you, thank you for reading through the end. Thank you for being supportive even if you don't understand. Thank you for letting me continue to have this space to share the real stuff, the hard stuff, the stuff I need somewhere to get out of my head. 

You are all the best!

10 Things I Hate About Being Pregnant

I was totally excited to find out I was pregnant with Fallon, but I really thought I'd be the person that just loathed the experience. I'm not exactly sure why, but that was my expectation. Turned out, I mostly loved it. The very end, not so much, but overall it was a pretty enjoyable time. I am not singing the same tune on round 2. While I'm never ungrateful for the priviledge of carrying my child, I am honestly so over being pregnant and I have been for awhile now. Here's why:

1. The Exhaustion - Holy crap I've never been this kind of tired in my whole life. It comes nowhere close to the way I felt with Fallon. This is a brand new level of tired that makes toddler tantrums even harder to handle. And I hate it.

2. The Bathroom Trips - I drink a lot of water, always have. I'm used to averaging more potty breaks than most of the crowd. But sweet baby Jesus this is out of control. I'm getting sick to death of looking at the walls of my own bathroom. And I hate it.

3. The Shortness of Breath - Okay so there's a bowling ball strapped around my waist, squishing my internal organs. Makes sense that taking the stairs with a laundry basket or a toddler on my hip has me a little winded. But struggling to carry on a conversation without sounding like I'm running a marathon even though I'm just sitting on the couch....just absurd. And I hate it.

4. The Food Aversions - I try, and typically succeed, to eat a mostly healthy diet. I do believe in moderation aka giving into cravings with zero nutritional value here and there. But why the hell must so many healthful foods makes my stomach churn? I'm having to shove them down instead of going for what I constantly want....all the sweets with empty calories. And I hate it.

5. The Rib Pain - This is just flat out ridiculous. If a woman's body is supposedly made to grow life, that life shouldn't have to separate her own body parts internally. And cause searing, unrelenting pain. And I hate it.

6. The Waddling - As if walking around with a giant mass in the center of my body wasn't odd enough, let's add a waddle. And to add insult, make certain it's nowhere near as cute as those black and white birds everyone coos over. And I hate it.

7. The Heartburn - I guess this one may actually be the most fitting of the bunch. Half the time I morph into a kind of mythical dragon my husband couldn't even conjure up in his nightmares. So I may as well make it legit and breath fire. And I hate it.

8. The Mood Swings - Last pregnancy I told off a whisk, then left it there on the floor where it had flung itself to think about what it had done. This time I cried because I thought I lost a sock. A brand new sock. A really cute brand new sock. And I hate it.

9. The Maternity Jeans - I love distressed jeans. My temporarily abnormally shaped body doesn't allow me to wear my favorite pairs past a certain point of pregnancy. At least not comfortably. And maternity jeans suck. Like I need the extra hassle of having to keep pulling them up, especially when there aren't any belt loops to make it easier. And I hate it.

10. The Sleep Deprivation - I saved the best for last. This one just really pisses me off. My body is literally growing another human life. It's extra tired and needs extra sleep. Yet with all the organ squishing, pain, fire breathing and bathroom trips, even resting is hard. I mean come on. 

And I hate it.

Just in case you didn't notice, this was written in a sarcastic tone. I am fortunate and appreciative to be pregnant. And there are many aspects about it that I absolutely love. But it's okay to hate other parts of it. It really is. 

Baby #2 Mom Guilt: Part I

This is such a difficult topic for me to write about. I've gone back and forth for a long time now wondering if I should even share my experience, afraid I'll inadvertently offend someone or be judged for my feelings. But after a lot of thought I've decided that now is the time to put it all out there. And maybe anyone else who has found herself in this situation can take comfort in knowing that she isn't alone. 

When I found out I was pregnant with Fallon there was nothing but positive emotions. I was so excited, overjoyed, just completely thrilled to know that I was going to have a baby. Although she was a bit of a surprise, it was simply because it happened sooner than expected. We were as ready as any couple can be to start a family. Chris and I had discussed having another child, if possible, close in age to our first. But after Fallon was born my feelings started to change. She wasn't a sleep all the time kind of baby. We struggled with breastfeeding in the beginning then she ended up ditching the bottle when everything clicked in that department. So we were attached 24/7 whether I needed a break or not. She cried so much we worried it wasn't normal, though we could never find a reason for it other than her fiery personality. I had postpartum anxiety that peaked when Fallon was about 9 months old and I had a fleeting moment when I thought maybe she would be an only child. As she neared the one year milestone though I realized I definitely wanted to give her a sibling, just maybe in a few years. But there was another plan for us. 

My doctor said it was normal for a woman's body to remain infertile through the duration of exclusive breastfeeding. This was true for me until Fallon was about 11 months old. I wrote down that date because I had an annual checkup scheduled the following month and ladies, we all know that's the famous question. But so many people told me things don't always go back to the way they were before so I wasn't entirely sure it even counted. None the less, there are things you do when you want to have a baby and things you do when you don't. We were in the latter camp. Fallon turned one in early July and we had the best time celebrating our baby girl. My anxiety was waning significantly and life was starting to feel less overwhelming and more fun. A few weeks later Fallon and I were strolling the aisles of Target and she knocked something off a shelf. As I reached down to pick it up I had a moment like something you see in a movie. Cue the music and/or slow motion, one of those things that lets you know this scene is something of huge significance. It was a pregnancy test. 

I held it in my hand as I was looking to see that date in June I had written down. And a little tingle down the back of my spine urged me to buy that test. But all the way home I felt a horribly unwelcome sense of dread. I was afraid it was going to be positive. And that feeling was immediately followed by guilt. So much guilt. Here I am, a young healthy woman with the means to carry and support another new life, hoping for the opposite. How dare I feel this way when I personally know people who would probably give a kidney to see a positive pregnancy test? And how awful of a mother am I for having all these negative feelings about another baby when there was nothing but happiness over his or her sibling? What a terrible way to begin a pregnancy. I was so internally conflicted I didn't even want to take the test. And I didn't breath a word to anyone. That afternoon I couldn't take it anymore and took one of the 2 tests in the box. And it came up negative. 

I stood there waiting for the relief to wash over me, followed by the guilt for that feeling. It never came. Instead, I shocked myself by simply feeling.....dissapointed. Huh?! That's right, I was actually kind of sad. I had been in our first floor bathroom as Fallon was in the living room. I was in such a state of confusion I tossed the test into the metal garbage can, that should have a bag in it but never does. I went through the next few hours in a fog, running on autopilot. Another trip to the bathroom caused me to pick the test back up to throw away in the kitchen garbage can where my toddler wouldn't get to it (ew). And when it hit the light my eyes went wide. There was a second line. I swore I could see it, albeit faint, I saw it. It was far past the recommended time frame to read a result but there was a line. I didn't sleep that night. First thing in the morning I took the other test and watched it like a hawk. Sure enough, that second line came up. And all those familiar feelings that hit me when I learned I was growing my first baby came flooding back immediately. It was the most insane emotional roller coaster in less than 24 hours. 

This Whole Mom Thing: Part II

Way back when Fallon was a fresh little newborn I wrote a post with my thoughts on motherhood in that season of life. I reread that post this morning as I was reflecting on that time and thinking about how we will be there again in mere weeks. So I thought it would be fun to do a little part II as a raw motherhood post is a bit overdue.

This whole mom thing

Is still HARD. And EXHAUSTING. And absolutely freaking AMAZING.

Is up before the sun and long after it's gone down

Is all the tantrums and all the eskimo kisses

Is caffeine, crumbs and clothes thrown out of every drawer

Is too much Mickey Mouse and too little time in the day

Is complete and utter frustration and complete and utter joy

Is finding everything missing from around the house shoved underneath the couch

Is feeling constantly guilty and constantly lucky

Is realizing how easily your toddler can outsmart you

Is snacks all day washed down with mama's drink

Is catching your daughter climbing the furniture, because what else is it good for?

Is appreciating all the #momwins but still stressing over the #momfails

Is cake pops on Target trips and naps in the car

Is blankets, stuffed animals and toys EVERYWHERE

Is thinking you cannot possibly love someone any harder until the next day when you do

Is teething, talking like a big girl and tough days full of tears

Is counting down to bedtime then missing her as she sleeps

Is waiting for daddy to come home by the window and crying when he leaves

Is so many messes and so much love

Is feeling totally helpless one minute and like supermom the next

Is trying not to laugh when you should be disciplining

Is wiping a snotty nose, a poopy butt and crocodile tears

Is public meltdowns and I'm sorry hugs 

Is everything I never knew I always wanted and so much more

See the original post here

Cheers to a New Year

Happy 2018! Hi, it's me. Yes, I'm still here, getting my ish back together after the month+ long holiday hustle. Don't get me wrong, this year was definitely a whole lot of fun with a toddler who we could take on festive outings and understood the concept of presents enough to get excited. But it certainly had this pregnant mama feeling wiped out every single day of December. I made sure to only schedule sponsored projects on my Instagram account, deciding that blogging would have to sit the season out for the most part. As much as I wish I could just rally and do all the things, sometimes super girl has to hang up her cape and reprioritize. 

This pregnancy is quite literally kicking my butt and chasing a wild + growing toddler all day everyday with all the added holiday stuff on top threw me for a loop. I went for a week long recovery followed by a few days to just reset and now, I'MMM BAAAAAACK! As we begin a new year and I find myself looking right at the last leg of this pregnancy there are so many emotions. I'm beyond excited to welcome a second baby into our family, start back up on some home projects and really make a strong effort to meet some personal goals. Of course I'm also insanely nervous about the learning curve I face becoming a mother of 2 little ones and navigating the uncharted waters that will totally change our household dynamic. But I'm feeling motivated, refreshed and ready to take it all on. At least for the next few weeks (insert LOL emoji). 

The new year is always a great time to be goal orientated but I do hope that I can carry on this mindset as much as possible throughout 2018. I'm sure it's going to be the best year yet! You're probably sick of reading other people's goals for this year as I'm late to the party and we are four days into this year. But never the less, I'll share mine, if for no other reason than to write them all down for myself!

Simplify 

- Minimalism goes against my nature but I'm willing to try harder this year to really weed out the clutter in all areas of my life

Hustle

- Last year was my first venture into a quasi work from home situation, learning the ropes of building a public Instagram account, becoming an influencer and using my blog as a money making social platform. This year I want to work hard to build upon those efforts and dive further into the areas I've discovered best suite me and my lifestyle using the knowledge I've gained over the past year. 

Relax 

- I'm almost embarrassed that this is on my goal list but it might be the most important one. I've spent far to much time lately doing things that can actually wait, stressing over the every present to-do list and staying up past a reasonable bedtime to get ahead for the next day when really, resting is more important right now. 

I have lots of ideas and fun (hopefully!) things planned for both my blog and Instagram account that I'm really excited about. But I'm not putting too much pressure on myself to do them by a deadline or worry if they don't happen in the order I expect them too. Lifestyle has become my overall niche and of course motherhood is about to become an even bigger part of that, but I really want to spread new content out over fashion, home decor and healthy living. Think stylish momiform, updating your home on a budget, essential oils, simple recipes and real life tales from toddler town. And before we dive headfirst into all of that, I'd like to thank all of you for following along as I've made so many changes since this all started and the new friends I can't wait to get to know better who have joined in. Wishing you all a wonderful start to 2018. Let's do this!

True Life: Tales From Toddler Town

I had all these ideas and big plans for blog posts this season. And as you can see, I haven't quite delivered. So while my baby and my husband sleep, I'm taking this time to talk about why.

Motherhood, as all mothers know, is not for the faint of heart. It can be all consuming sometimes and I've been working to keep the part of me that's just me and not mama, still afloat. Incorporating more topics into my social media world like fashion, food and home decor has definitely helped me remember that I am in fact, still me. But today it's all about motherhood. No links, no ads, no fun things to share. Just me talking about being mom from my current stage of life.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so while this is for me, it's also for you. Any of you who feel like you're the only one in this position. Any of you who need a moment to think well at least my kid doesn't do THAT. Any of you who just need to read a little motherhood in the raw and know that it's okay to feel however you feel about right in this moment. As mamas our kids are our hearts, living and breathing right outside of our bodies. A mother's love cannot be defined and oh how we love our babies. But I'm telling you, and myself, it's okay to have moments, days, whole weeks, when you wonder who the hell thought having kids was such a good idea. 

Fallon is a bright kid. I'm not bragging, although every mama should. She's been paid extra close attention to in the developmental sense due to the nature of her birth. But 16 months in and she's not only hitting milestones appropriately, she's leapfrogging many of them like it's her job. Her personality is one of extremes. There was never a happier kid in all the world than my kid when she's happy. And there was never a more pissed off kid in all the world than my kid when she's mad. Or so it seems. I'm a stay at home mom with a husband who works extra hours. And I have to say, toddler town has been one wild and crazy place these days. 

Frustration. That's kind of the word of the moment. Fallon has so much frustration in that little body of hers from knowing things in her mind but not being physically capable of them yet. The result: behavioral manifestation aka tantrums. Massive, constant, can I take her back tantrums. I have frustration from desperately trying to understand her, to teach her, to deal with her when all my best efforts are failing. The result: mom guilt. Massive, constant, who let me be a mother guilt. And it's quite the vicious cycle isn't it? 

We try so hard to be super moms, setting these lofty goals for the day, planning fun things and making ourselves believe this level of functioning is not only attainable but the standard. Come back down to reality with me for a moment. WHAT PLANET ARE WE LIVING ON?! We aren't just moms. We are daughters, wives, sisters, friends oh and ya know our own people as well. And let's not forget we're that lame thing society refers to as adults, which comes with it's own lovely set of responsibilities. Life is a juggling act across the board. I'm certainly not saying ditch the to-do list all together or stop making fun plans, setting expectations or dreaming big. Just give yourself a break. Remember, you're only human. Cry when your kid throws that breakfast you woke up early to make and were so excited to show them right in your face. Drown your guilt for shoving your kid at your husband the second he walks in the door saying GET HER AWAY FROM ME in a venti overpriced coffee at (insert favorite place to escape to). Blow up your friends about how stressed + overwhelmed you are when it's Thursday night and the entire week's to-do list is still somehow staring back at you. We've all been there, are there, will be there again. 

I spend most of my days losing track of the amount of kicking, screaming, launching things across the room tantrums, cleaning up new messes literally left behind me as I clean up old ones and doing everything either in high speed motion while my child is momentarily entertained, with her crying and trying to climb my legs or actually in my arms. I rarely cook dinner, bribe my kid with snacks and countdown that last half hour till bedtime almost every night. I am 100% sure that a man invented daily savings time, I have no idea of the last time my linen closet didn't resemble a frat house but I am sure that teething is the bane of my existence. I can't believe it's already been a week since I did a big grocery trip, that it's time to clean the bathrooms AGAIN or how quickly a new basket of laundry to wash has appeared. Oh yea and afternoon naps are so not overrrated. At least I don't think. But I don't have a lot of experience with that. Eyeroll. #fallyfallynonaps

But you know what else? I am completely, utterly, some other words that don't even exist in love with being my kid's mom. Motherhood may not define me but it does fulfill me. Fallon was meant to be my baby. I was meant to be her mama. And even when I feel like I'm totally failing. I am actually damn good at my job. 

And so are you mama, so are you.

My First Mother's Day

This year will mark my very first Mother's Day celebrating as a mama myself. Quickly closing in on a year of having a daughter has me thinking about how incredibly thankful I am to have the title of mom. Motherhood has been my greatest challenge but by far my greatest joy. Most days I have no idea what I'm doing, just winging it, giving it my all and hoping for the best. And even though I've completely lost my mind, I've found my purpose. Motherhood has shown me strength I didn't know I had, a whole new level of patience and the truest meaning of unconditional love. Funny how you don't there's a missing piece of your heart until it finds you.

I just can't seem to find the right words to describe how amazing it is to be a mom. Even on the days when nothing is going right, I've hit the wall and just feel like a massive failure, I still go to bed missing my baby girl while she sleeps and feeling grateful that she's mine. Did your mom ever tell you, "one day when you're a mom you will understand,"?. It's annoying when you're a know it all teenager but it makes more sense than anything else most days when you do become a mama yourself. I still have a long road of understand ahead of me, mistakes and heartaches with I hope so much laughter and joy mixed in. Motherhood is such a crazy, wonderful and terrifying journey but I have to say, I'm think I'm doing alright. And that's more of a compliment to my own mom than it is to me. Because I learned how to surpass good and become a great mom from the very best. Mom, I understand now. And I hope I'm making you proud. 

In closing of this very first Mother's Day post, I have to thank my perfect baby girl for making me a mama. Fallon Lynn, you are the most precious gift I could ever receive. I hope you know that I am here to support you when you leap, catch you if you fall and cheer the hardest when you succeed. May your strong will take you all the places you want to go and nowhere that you don't. Never lose that sparkle of curiosity in your eyes or that smile you do with your whole face. I love you always baby girl, and one day, when you're a mom, you will understand.

Dirty Thirty

Thirty years ago today, I was born! It's so crazy to think about being 15 and how that was half a lifetime ago. Time really does fly! I've had the best day celebrating with my little family and I thought it would be fun to share 30 things about me with all of you. 

1. I am a natural blonde. I started highlighting my hair when I was 18 and I've had it done pretty much the same ever since. 

2. I've never (probably obviously) had braces. My teeth were straight enough to forgo the hassle and expense of them. And I don't mind my slightly crooked smile one bit!

3. I broke my first bone(s) in my early 20s. Ironically I slipped on ice getting out of the car going INTO the bar. I refused to believe it until an x-ray 2 days later confirmed 3 broken metatarsals. 

4. My aunt is my godmother and we share the same middle name: Joan.

5. I never ate seafood until I vacationed with a friend in Florida when I was 16 and there was literally nothing but that on the menu at a restaurant where we had dinner. A bowl of shrimp pasta later and I never looked back.

6. I always thought I'd get married young, like 23, but I said, "I do," a month after my 28th birthday. 

7. I have a really small head (like toddler sized) and when I was a baby my parents had to take me to see specialists about it. Turns out, it's just genetic and totally normal. Fallon's is small too!

8. I always

have a favorite color of the moment but I always go back to grey.

9. I am mostly my mother's daughter but I have my daddy's hazel eyes.

10. I'm 5'4 but mostly legs so people always think I look taller. 

11. Chris and I met at a bar. You can find love just about anywhere. 

12. My dogs' names (Ares + Chaos) came from mythology.

13. I bake much better than I cook. It's shocking to everyone because....

14. I'm terrible with numbers and measurements. 

15. I'm actually athletically inclined although I'm not the least bit graceful in daily life. I run into walls in my own house. 

16. NSYNC was the first concert I went to. My fanatic teenage self would reemerge quickly if the band got back together. 

17. I don't watch the news. There's too much sadness in this world and if I really need to know something going on in the world someone else will tell me about it.

18. I do my own nails once a week. 

19. I am a proud Pit Bull mom. I dare you to say something mean about my baby.

20. I am a trusting person and have a pretty high tolerance for BS. But if you cross the line, watch out. 

21. I'm a former party girl. Now I'd rather stay home grilling out or eating pizza than hitting the bars any night. 

22. Lilies are my favorite flowers. 

23. I love distressed jeans. I'll probably still be wearing them long after I'm of an appropriate age. 

24. I love being barefoot all summer long but I have to have cozy slippers when it's cold out.

25. Fall is my favorite time of year as an adult but as a kid it was always summer. 

26. If I don't wear bug spray I get eaten alive in the warmer months. I must have super sweet blood. 

27. I went to look at and put an offer on our house while Chris was away for work. He didn't see it in person until we already had a contract.

28. I eat peanut butter every single day, sometimes just by itself.

29. My name means cheerful.

30. I've been a vegetarian for 2.5 years now and I don't miss meat at all.

Letter To Me

Dear Mama to be, 

I know you're completely and utterly terrified of breastfeeding that baby you're growing. You're scouring the internet trying desperately to find other women who felt like you and were able to successfully breastfeed. You've always felt this way but thought when your time came it would change. You're ashamed and guilt ridden that you don't want to continue sharing your body with your baby after he or she is born. Well girlfriend, GET OVER IT. 

That little voice in the back of your head whispering to you that this is the road you should take is right. Stop worrying about failing and start believing in yourself. Those mama instincts everyone talks about? They're real and they will kick in. I promise you'll be okay. Getting started will be your biggest hurdle but you've got this. You'll know what your baby needs and you'll be able to give it to her. She's a stubborn little one but so are you. It won't be easy those first few weeks. You'll be exhausted, mentally and physically, burnt out in a way you've never known. But you'll power through. That perfect baby girl will keep you going.

When the pros get concerned, you'll do as they, because they're supposed to know best. But when you reach that breaking point, you realize you were right all along. This is the turning point. This is the moment you realize you can trust in yourself. You were meant to do this and you know exactly how to. Your baby girl will come around on her time, just like you knew she would. And you will begin to relish in the beautiful bond this journey creates. 

8 months later you'll be looking back and laughing at how silly all your worries were. Breastfeeding has become such a part of daily life it is second nature to nurse the baby. You won't need a clock to tell you when she needs to be feed, a book to let you know she needs mama's comfort or a doctor to confirm she's drinking enough. You'll know. This was the way it was always supposed to be and somewhere inside you knew that. Breastfeeding wasn't all that scary after all. In fact, it's the reason you've become a confident mother. It's the reason you feel the most empowered you ever have as a woman. And the reason you're able to keep a teeny tiny amount of sanity left on the days that baby girl is extra challenging. 

You are strong and capable. You will succeed. You won't even mind sharing your body for just a little bit longer. 

Love,

Your Future Mama Self

Judge Less, Live More

Happy new year friends! Our NYE was oh so quiet. We stayed in, had a few drinks after we put the baby to bed and.....fell asleep at 10. Don't worry, we woke up to see the ball drop then dragged ourselves up to bed. Exciting stuff people. 2016 was definitely the best year yet but we can't wait to see what 2017 has in store for our now family (human) of 3. 

My resolution this year is to judge less. That's it. I like to think of myself as a fairly open-minded and accepting person. It's human nature to pass judgement, to compare, to make assumptions. But I believe, if we want to and if we work hard enough at it, we can teach ourselves to push those thoughts away. Or at the very least, keep our judgements to ourselves. Especially since having Fallon I've had so many thoughts on this topic rolling around in my head that putting them all together seemed a bit overwhelming. But I finally pulled everything into one post and just have been hesitant to hit publish. A new year brings a fresh start though so what better time than now?

I see you over there, judging me with your eyes. Don't think that just because you haven't used words that you haven't made it clear. I see your smug smile, your silent scold, your internal eye roll. You don't have to speak to hurt my feelings, to make me question myself, to ruin my day. I see you radiating negativity when you should be spreading kindness. I see you. 

Most of us are parents, a lot of us are new parents and all of us are human. None of us are perfect, all of us are going through some kind of struggle, big or small. Really we are all just trying to do our best, mostly winging it and figuring life out as we go. We draw on our knowledge thus far and learn from our mistakes. Just because you get to point A a different way than I do doesn't make you right and me wrong. It doesn't make you better than me. It doesn't really matter at all. Isn't it about time we all just gave each other a break?

I'm trying my hardest every day to be a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, self. And you probably are too. So how is judging me helping either of us? It's so easy to look at someone else and say with certainty how differently they should be living life. But until you've walked in those exact shoes, you have no idea. I won't pretend I'm not guilty. Time and time again I've judged others without a second thought about it. But I resolve to now think twice. 

The mom with the screaming toddler and a full grocery cart trying to get through check out. I see you. I won't assume you don't discipline your child. I won't wonder why you won't just leave the cart and go home. I won't judge you for taking what may be your only opportunity this week to buy groceries for your family. If you see me I'll smile because someday that could be me too. The teenagers corralled in front of the store I'm trying to get in with my stroller, giggling and texting and paying no attention to anyone else but yourselves. I see you. I won't assume you're rude and self absorbed. I won't wonder why you have no awareness of those around you. I won't judge you for being young and silly. If you see me I'll smile because once upon a time that was me too. The dad yelling at one kid on a bike to slow down, another to stay on the sidewalk and desperately trying to hold onto a third while the dog is walking you. I see you. I won't assume you can't control your children. I won't wonder where your wife is. I won't judge you for looking totally like you'd rather be watching the game with a cold one. If you see me I'll smile because one day you'll be my husband. 

We're all just doing our best. Unless you're spoon feeding your baby whiskey, kicking your dog or strolling through Target naked,  you won't get a second look from me. So let's all try to judge less and live more.