I was totally excited to find out I was pregnant with Fallon, but I really thought I'd be the person that just loathed the experience. I'm not exactly sure why, but that was my expectation. Turned out, I mostly loved it. The very end, not so much, but overall it was a pretty enjoyable time. I am not singing the same tune on round 2. While I'm never ungrateful for the priviledge of carrying my child, I am honestly so over being pregnant and I have been for awhile now. Here's why:
1. The Exhaustion - Holy crap I've never been this kind of tired in my whole life. It comes nowhere close to the way I felt with Fallon. This is a brand new level of tired that makes toddler tantrums even harder to handle. And I hate it.
2. The Bathroom Trips - I drink a lot of water, always have. I'm used to averaging more potty breaks than most of the crowd. But sweet baby Jesus this is out of control. I'm getting sick to death of looking at the walls of my own bathroom. And I hate it.
3. The Shortness of Breath - Okay so there's a bowling ball strapped around my waist, squishing my internal organs. Makes sense that taking the stairs with a laundry basket or a toddler on my hip has me a little winded. But struggling to carry on a conversation without sounding like I'm running a marathon even though I'm just sitting on the couch....just absurd. And I hate it.
4. The Food Aversions - I try, and typically succeed, to eat a mostly healthy diet. I do believe in moderation aka giving into cravings with zero nutritional value here and there. But why the hell must so many healthful foods makes my stomach churn? I'm having to shove them down instead of going for what I constantly want....all the sweets with empty calories. And I hate it.
5. The Rib Pain - This is just flat out ridiculous. If a woman's body is supposedly made to grow life, that life shouldn't have to separate her own body parts internally. And cause searing, unrelenting pain. And I hate it.
6. The Waddling - As if walking around with a giant mass in the center of my body wasn't odd enough, let's add a waddle. And to add insult, make certain it's nowhere near as cute as those black and white birds everyone coos over. And I hate it.
7. The Heartburn - I guess this one may actually be the most fitting of the bunch. Half the time I morph into a kind of mythical dragon my husband couldn't even conjure up in his nightmares. So I may as well make it legit and breath fire. And I hate it.
8. The Mood Swings - Last pregnancy I told off a whisk, then left it there on the floor where it had flung itself to think about what it had done. This time I cried because I thought I lost a sock. A brand new sock. A really cute brand new sock. And I hate it.
9. The Maternity Jeans - I love distressed jeans. My temporarily abnormally shaped body doesn't allow me to wear my favorite pairs past a certain point of pregnancy. At least not comfortably. And maternity jeans suck. Like I need the extra hassle of having to keep pulling them up, especially when there aren't any belt loops to make it easier. And I hate it.
10. The Sleep Deprivation - I saved the best for last. This one just really pisses me off. My body is literally growing another human life. It's extra tired and needs extra sleep. Yet with all the organ squishing, pain, fire breathing and bathroom trips, even resting is hard. I mean come on.
And I hate it.
Just in case you didn't notice, this was written in a sarcastic tone. I am fortunate and appreciative to be pregnant. And there are many aspects about it that I absolutely love. But it's okay to hate other parts of it. It really is.
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