Breastfeeding Bravely

This post is sponsored by Kindred Bravely. I was compensated in exchange for an honest review. As always, all opinions stated are my own. Thank you for supporting the brands that make this blog possible.

If someone told me 3 years ago that I would breastfeed two babies, mostly exclusively, I would have genuinely laughed. I never thought I'd breastfeed at all let alone this much. And actually enjoy it. I fully supported my friends who breastfed before me, never batted an eye at women doing it at the park or at a restaurant, and have always found it to be perfectly normal and natural. I just didn't think it was for me. 

When I was about halfway through my first pregnancy something just changed. I knew without a doubt I was going to try to breastfeed. I still can't tell you why but I like to think it was all part of the plan to prepare me on some level for the way my daughter would arrive into this world. You can read her birth story here, but let's just say it was quite dramatic. I found myself not only willing to breastfeed but desperately wanting to be able to. We struggled hard in the beginning. Every day was a fight but that little voice inside me said to just keep going. After 6 weeks of putting my all into it, Fallon and I found our groove. So much so that she only wanted me from there on out. I fed her with my body alone for the next 13 months when she decided she was ready to move on. 

There is nothing anyone can tell you that will fully prepare you to be a mother or for the journey that is breastfeeding. Each story is so beautifully unique. But so many of us struggle in silence. Breastfeeding is tough! It's natural but does not always come so naturally. You and baby have to learn to dance together, find your very own rhythm. It's a brave thing to do. It's also just as brave to recognize your limits and do what is best for you and your child. Whether you breastfeed exclusively, pump and bottle feed, a combination of both or simply bottle feed with formula, you are brave for following your heart. But if you plan to breastfeed, there are definitely a few ways to help make it the most enjoyable experience possible. 

Get nursing clothing you love. Let me repeat that. Get nursing clothing you love. The first time around I didn't ask around. I didn't buy quality items and I didn't replace them when I realized they weren't very helpful. My second breastfeeding experience has been vastly different from my first. Axton latched immediately after birth and we didn't struggle in those early weeks like I had the first time around. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy peasy. There were tears and frustration, a lot of nipple cream and even more persistence. But what a world of difference it made to have a nursing bra I actually like! 

If you've been following along with my story you know that this time around I have talked about only one brand of nursing attire that I actually felt was worth sharing. Kindred Bravely is a company that believes living every day as a mom is an act of bravery. And I whole heartedly agree. So when I was contacted for the post, I jumped at the opportunity to work with a brand that I already loved and want to continue to support. The Marvella Luxe bra is my hands down absolute favorite nursing bra ever. It doesn't even seem like a nursing bra. It's very comfortable and supportive, looks great under all my clothes and easily folds down out of the way with one simple motion. I'm also loving the French Terry Racerback bra to sleep or lounge around in. Comfort is key, especially in those early days and I barely even know I'm wearing this bra, it's so light and soft. And the most versatile piece I own is the Simply Sublime tank. I can sleep it in, throw a cardigan or jacket over it to wear out or wear it underneath not so nursing friendly tops that I may not even wear otherwise. 

Breastfeeding is beautiful. However you do it, wherever you do it. You do you mama. But allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come with it. And don't be afraid to share your struggles! We all need a tribe to support us through those lows and cheer with us during those highs. You do not have to do it alone and whatever you're struggling with, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Make your breastfeeding experience as good as it can be with comfortable nursing wear by Kindred Bravely. You can use code HILARYKB20 for 20% off your first purchase either here or here. We want to hear your story! Share it on Instagram using #breastfeedbravely and tag @hkpfeff523. You are so brave mamas!

Hospital Bag Check List: Round 2

When I packed my hospital bag for Fallon's arrival I was pretty sure it looked like I was moving in. And I was totally fine with that. I've always been an over packer and I'd rather just have all my own stuff and wayyyyy too much of it than the alternative. It turns out, I never really got to find out if my bag held too much, too little or just enough. Many of you know that I actually only stayed at the hospital where I gave birth for about 6 hours postpartum. Fallon was transported a few hours after she was born to the nearby Children's hospital and my doctor discharged me early to be with her. I thankfully had no complications from giving birth and I guess she figured there was no better place to send me off to than another hospital. 

The thing is, once I walked out those birth hospital doors, I was no longer a patient. The NICU was a room in and of itself with a chair next to the giant pod with 10,000 things on it that was my baby's "bed". The bathroom, used by the entire floor, was at the other end of the hallway. If one was available you could sleep in a separate room on the special care floor with a bed my husband could barely fit into and a chair shoved up against it. Most of our stay was such a blur of shock, adrenaline and surreality that I can't even tell you what I used from my bag. 

So this time, I went back and read this post from first pregnancy to remember what I had even packed. As a mama with one birth under her belt and some breastfeeding experience,  I definitely have product preferences now. But really the list is almost the same. The biggest difference is time of year so I plan to wear leggings, joggers, a nursing bra/bralette or tank under a comfy cardi/nursing friendly top and a robe with....the fox slippers! I'll bring a gender neutral sleeper + hat, pacifier and cute swaddles for baby in my Fawn bag. But I'm hoping someone can bring a going home outfit depending on whether we have a little boy or a little girl. Hint, hint people. Gotta have my own blanket, pillow and towel + toiletries, makeup and oils! I linked everything on my list below including snacks, my trusty tumbler, nursing pillow and ya know, all the other not so fun stuff. 

Letter To Me

Dear Mama to be, 

I know you're completely and utterly terrified of breastfeeding that baby you're growing. You're scouring the internet trying desperately to find other women who felt like you and were able to successfully breastfeed. You've always felt this way but thought when your time came it would change. You're ashamed and guilt ridden that you don't want to continue sharing your body with your baby after he or she is born. Well girlfriend, GET OVER IT. 

That little voice in the back of your head whispering to you that this is the road you should take is right. Stop worrying about failing and start believing in yourself. Those mama instincts everyone talks about? They're real and they will kick in. I promise you'll be okay. Getting started will be your biggest hurdle but you've got this. You'll know what your baby needs and you'll be able to give it to her. She's a stubborn little one but so are you. It won't be easy those first few weeks. You'll be exhausted, mentally and physically, burnt out in a way you've never known. But you'll power through. That perfect baby girl will keep you going.

When the pros get concerned, you'll do as they, because they're supposed to know best. But when you reach that breaking point, you realize you were right all along. This is the turning point. This is the moment you realize you can trust in yourself. You were meant to do this and you know exactly how to. Your baby girl will come around on her time, just like you knew she would. And you will begin to relish in the beautiful bond this journey creates. 

8 months later you'll be looking back and laughing at how silly all your worries were. Breastfeeding has become such a part of daily life it is second nature to nurse the baby. You won't need a clock to tell you when she needs to be feed, a book to let you know she needs mama's comfort or a doctor to confirm she's drinking enough. You'll know. This was the way it was always supposed to be and somewhere inside you knew that. Breastfeeding wasn't all that scary after all. In fact, it's the reason you've become a confident mother. It's the reason you feel the most empowered you ever have as a woman. And the reason you're able to keep a teeny tiny amount of sanity left on the days that baby girl is extra challenging. 

You are strong and capable. You will succeed. You won't even mind sharing your body for just a little bit longer. 

Love,

Your Future Mama Self

My Breastfeeding Experience

I've started this post probably 10 times before deciding there is no other way to begin then, well, the beginning. I was a breastfed baby. Most of my friends have or are currently breastfeeding their babies. Seeing or hearing about other people breastfeeding never phased me in the least. But thinking of doing it myself....CRINGE. The idea of breastfeeding my own baby totally freaked me out. I hoped that maybe my line of thinking would change once I was pregnant. Nope. So how did I end up writing a blog post about breastfeeding my 12 week old? Grab a snack kids because this is gonna be a long one. 

I made the decision that I would at least give breastfeeding a shot. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out but for me, trying was important. Why? In all honesty the money saving aspect was appealing but there was also just that feeling. Something inside me was saying to go for it. Sounds kind of crazy, right? I wish I had a better answer for you but really, against all the discomfort and anxiety I felt about it, I just knew I had to try. 

Of course I imagined I would get to nurse my baby for the first time shortly after birth. But my baby had other plans. After Fallon arrived at the children's hospital we learned she would need to stay strictly on fluids until the following day, no nursing. That first night a kind nurse brought in a breast pump, showed me how to use it and left me to it. I was running on adrenaline and after all that had happened after giving birth, learning to pump wasn't something I had time to worry over. I just did it, almost like I was on autopilot even though I had zero experience. I continued to get the hang of it throughout the night, making sure to pump every 3 hours to help my milk come in. 

The next day I was finally allowed to try nursing Fallon. Here's where the real story begins. I knew almost immediately it wasn't going to work. After 24 hours on only fluids my baby was really hungry.  She was hooked up to all kinds of wires that made it difficult and awkward to hold her without pulling something. The lactation specialist was very nice but I was beyond uncomfortable sitting there in the NICU with just a few screens between us and the rest of the room. She was trying to give me direction but Fallon was screaming before I could even attempt to get her into position. The following attempts over the next few hours failed miserably and I was getting frustrated. It wasn't because I felt bad that my baby wasn't nursing, like I was doing something wrong or that breastfeeding wasn't going to work out. I just wanted my little girl to be able to eat, period. I kept pumping but my milk hadn't arrived. We were hoping to go home the following day as Fallon was doing well in all other aspects aside from feeding but that was becoming less of a possibility the longer she didn't eat. Chris and I shared a look after another failed nursing attempt and I told the nurse that my baby needed a bottle. The medical team was hesitant because my plan was to breastfeed but I was adamant. It seemed incredibly selfish to continue to starve Fallon while attempting to force her to nurse when it clearly was just making her upset and agitated. She didn't want to take the bottle at first either, but it was a gentle refusal as opposed to the blood curdling screaming when trying to nurse. Never fear, daddy to the rescue. Chris held her upright, wiggled the bottle into her mouth and just like that, she was eating. I kept pumping and Chris kept bottle feeding her until we were discharged. I did continue attempting to nurse first at each feeding and she latched on our last try but was too lazy to suck. The lactation ladies had given me the tools to try at home on my own and I planned to, but I was just so beyond relieved that Fallon was eating at all.

During one of the failed nursing attempts one of the lactation consultants had me try a nipple shield. She said I was kind of flat on one side and maybe that was part of the reason Fallon wasn't latching. When she did finally latch, it was with the shield so I kept using it when we got home. It was a pain in the ass and I wish I wouldn't have used it at all. We were trying to force Fallon to do something she just wasn't ready for yet and that shield ended up being nothing but a hassle. My milk came in the night we came home and I felt like my chest was going to explode in the morning. Fallon had yet to nurse and pumping wasn't relieving the engorgement. I knew we had to make it happen and surprisingly, my husband ended up jumping right in. In the privacy of our home, with no wires in the way or strangers standing around, I nursed my baby for the first time. Chris helped me position her and talked me through the frustration of her not latching at first and finally it just happened. I was so relieved. This thing that had terrified me was suddenly something I really wanted to do. I guess after everything we went through, breastfeeding was no longer scary or weird for me. Instead it was something I could do for my baby when there was so much I hadn't been able to after she was born. 

Over the next few weeks I experienced the customary sore, cracked and painful nipples. It hurt for the first minute or so every time Fallon latched. I was using the shield every time, I was exhausted and there were tears from both of us, but we were doing it and it felt like a huge accomplishment. Fallon was often nursing more than the standard every 2-3 hours at that point but I had read about cluster feeding and as far as I understood, it is normal for many newborns. We had another appointment at the pediatrician for a weight check since Fallon had not regained her birth weight at the last visit. But then that confidence I had built up was quickly ripped away when we were told Fallon wasn't regaining her birth weight as fast as the doctors wanted her to. The ounces on the scale became the main focus and I was referred to a breastfeeding specialist. I didn't quite understand what the problem was because Fallon was having normal amounts of dirty and wet diapers daily, the most prominent indicator that a baby is well fed. I realize it is important for babies to gain weight but as individuals, why are they all expected to do it at the same rate? 

A nurse at the pediatrician's office helped me get Fallon to latch without the shield because the doctor was thinking maybe she wasn't getting enough milk with it. That was a Friday and the specialist appointment was not until the following week. Fallon continued to cluster feed but was only taking small amounts at each feeding. As her mother, I knew this was her being her, my little bird. But as a first time mother, I was listening to the doctors. Fallon was latching without the shield but would come off multiple times during a feeding and then flails her arms or put her fingers near her mouth and in the way. We were struggling but we were still chugging along. 

The day we went to see the specialist I was instructed not to feed Fallon for at least 2 hours prior to the appointment so that she could observe a feed. Maybe that would have made sense for a baby that was eating every 2 hours but my baby was eating every hour so by the time we got to the appointment she was screaming. The doctor confirmed her latch was fine and I was doing everything correctly but then instead of discussing how to combat her unlatching multiple times and keeping the hands and arms out of the way, the tide quickly turned to other issues. The focus was so much on Fallon not gaining weight fast enough and not taking more milk at each feeding that suddenly the problem was surely that either Fallon was tongue tied and it was preventing her from sucking correctly and/or I had low milk supply. Fallon had been checked for a tongue tie at the hospital and we were told she did not have one. I was also nearly certain I didn't have low milk supply but again, I was listening to the professionals. I left without a shred of my confidence left, a screaming baby and a treatment plan for low milk supply. 

Fallon had regained her birth weight at a weight check 2 days later. I did follow the low milk supply plan for a short time because I was afraid if I was wrong and that was the case, I was a horrible mother for not doing what was needed to correct it. I was having to remember to take supplements several times a day, drink 100 ounces of water and pump after every single feeding. My body was dead, my brain was dead and I felt like my life was revolving around this milk supply issue. If you've truly struggled with this, I am so sorry. But that nagging feeling in me wouldn't go away. And I finally decided to listen to it. I had spent too much time letting doctors convince me there was something wrong because my kid wasn't in line with their perfect charts. I knew she was just doing things her way and I knew I didn't need to jump through all these hoops to give her what she needed. Chris supported me 100% when I said I was ditching all of it. No more supplements, no more chugging water until I thought I'd puke, no more losing sleep over unnecessary pumping. Guess what? Things started to turn around and I got my confidence back. 

Today Fallon is a very healthy and now slightly chubby little girl. My story is unique as is every other breastfeeding mama's so this post was not meant as advice for anyone else. I do not think that doctors and lactation specialists are all quacks and completely unhelpful. It was just that in my case, Fallon's wild entrance into the world and then slower pace in those first weeks made everyone jump to conclusions without giving her (and me) the benefit of the doubt. Supplements can be helpful even if you don't have low milk supply but trying to remember to take them 3-4 times a day wasn't worth the stress for me. Of course you need to stay hydrated and drink extra water when breastfeeding but instead of counting ounces I just listened to my body. Pumping is a necessary evil but it was stealing my sleep and my sanity doing it after every single feeding. I honestly don't believe there was ever a problem and I wish I would have trusted my instincts but hindsight is always 20/20. 

The only advice I will offer is to go with your gut no matter what anyone else is telling you. Whether you're a first time mom or have 5 kids, a mother's intuition exists for a reason. Don't ignore it. If you plan to breastfeed and for whatever reason you are unable to right after birth, all is not lost. If your baby takes a bottle first and you still want to breastfeed, it's absolutely still an option. If you want no part of breastfeeding, don't let others try to talk you into it or make you feel bad for not choosing to. 

Fallon now mostly nurses but also takes a bottle here and there just so that she won't refuse it if I should be away from her for a feeding. It definitely has not been an easy road but I am proud of us for sticking with it because I knew we could do it. It's crazy how this thing that is supposed to be so natural can be so damn difficult. But if you really want to do it, it's totally worth it. And that's coming from the girl who heard nails on a chalkboard when she thought about nursing a baby.