Birth Story Disappointment

You know those pictures of babies laying on mom's chest right after they are born? Or the ones with dad in scrubs proudly holding up baby next to mom's smiling face on the operating table? I hate to admit this but while I certainly appreciate the beauty of them, they make me sad. They make me jealous. They make me feel the sting of disappointment because I don't have any like them. It's not because we forgot to take any. It's because we weren't able to. 

The 5 seconds I got to hold Fallon after her breathing was stabilized and before they whisked her away to the NICU and left me behind

You can read Fallon's birth story here if you haven't already. A day that should have been one of the happiest of my life was actually the scariest. I don't get all the warm fuzzies telling my little girl's birth story. I don't smile fondly remembering it. I don't feel excited to talk about it with Fallon one day. I'm totally jaded by my experience and I hate that. I'm so utterly and completely ashamed that I feel like this but it's been on my heart for too long to keep inside. The truth is, I'm mad that things happened the way they did. I'm upset that I don't well up with happiness when I think about it. I feel like I was robbed of the wonderfulness the birth of a baby is supposed to be. And I'm just honestly kind of pissed off about all these negative emotions existing where only positive one should be. 

People say you don't remember the pain, the physical and mental exhaustion, the graphic and gory details of labor and delivery. Wrong. So wrong. I do. I remember exactly the way the contractions felt when my epidural suddenly wore off while pushing. I remember exactly how my muscles ached and my mind tried to shut down. I remember exactly the horror of seeing my oh so pale baby girl for the first time and knowing immediately she was not okay. And that last part is the one that kills me. A moment that should have been filled with nothing but elation instead took my breath away in the very worst kind of way. 

After learning I was the mother of a baby girl and she was far too briefly plopped on my chest, my first words were nothing short of heartbreaking. They say the brain has the amazing ability to block out events too painful for the mind to handle. I don't remember screaming "why isn't she crying" over and over in a state of panic but my husband can't forget it. 

Yes, we were among the lucky ones whose story has a happy ending. So part of me feels ridiculous for complaining about a not so fairytale-like birth story. But I can't stop the disappointment, the angry tears, the wishing it was different feelings from bubbling up every time I think about it. Why didn't I get to snuggle my fresh newborn? Why couldn't I be right there to comfort her while she took her first look around this big scary world? Why wasn't I able to hold her and let her know she was safe right there in mama's arms? 

Nearly 8 months after Fallon's birth, I've accepted her story. I absolutely still wish I could change it, but I've come to terms with it. And I've decided that I'm allowed to be upset about it. I'm allowed to feel the negative feelings. I'm allowed to wish things happened differently. But what I need to focus on is that we came home with a healthy baby girl. She survived. Really that's what matters. And one day maybe I'll have a positive spin on the whole thing. 

Now excuse me while I go creep into that perfect sleeping baby girl's room and snuggle her to give me all the happy feelings. 

Book Worm

I remember loving having someone read books to me as a kid and following along with the pictures. We asked guests to bring books to my baby shower so I could start a little library for baby Pfeff and I am so glad Fallon came into the world with a mini library waiting for her. I don't think it's ever too early to start reading to a child and I even read to her while she was still baking in my belly. Sitting in her room in the glider reading those sweet stories out loud, feeling her squirm around at the sound of my voice was something so special to me. We've been reading those same books and adding new to the collection since Fallon was born and she loves it! Now that she can sit up by herself she's really getting into touching the pictures, helping me turn the pages and holding the books in her hands. It is so fun to read her some of the same stories I remember from my childhood and finding new ones about things she loves. I've linked a few of our favorites and I'd love to know yours!

Goodnight Moon
The Jungle Book

Love You Forever

I Wish You More

I Love You Through and Through

Your Baby's First Word Will be Dada

The Cat at Night

Hop on Pop

I'm Lovin' It

I've decided that sharing things I'm currently loving shouldn't have to be reserved for Fridays. So these posts will just pop up from time to time whenever I feel like it! I somehow managed to roll into this weekend with my house clean, all the laundry caught up and my hair washed. Chocolate chip cookies were baked yesterday afternoon and we spent the evening with family. It may never happen again but man did it feel good. 

If you haven't noticed, I've been wearing the same pairs of slip on sneakers all the time lately. I saw these at Target last week and for $25 they had to be mine. 

One of our favorite brands for swaddle blankets just released some super adorable new prints. I am swooning over the grapefruit blanket and the fairy garden quilt for Fallon. 

I find myself in v neck tees so many days, worn alone or underneath a jacket or cardigan. I have several brands and styles but I have found a favorite. I might have to get every color!

A goal for this year is to simplify my life, starting with getting rid of things we don't use. This book is great if you're trying to do the same! 

We're also trying to get some better organization throughout our home so I picked up some new baskets to hold all the things we keep underneath our coffee table. It looks much nicer and everything now has a place so it can be put away. 

It might sound counterproductive to be buying more while attempting to simplify. But the idea is to get rid of what we don't love or no longer has a purpose and have things that make sense in our life. No dog bed has made more sense than these Coolaroo loungers. The dogs love them, they're super easy to clean, they're not total eyesores and you can vacuum right underneath them!

Happy weekending friends!

7 Months Of Fallon

Fallon has grown up so much over this past month I almost don't know where to begin with an update. She's been sitting up all on her own, eating all kinds of new foods and feeding herself, drinking from a sippy cup and is the proud owner of 2 tiny bottom teeth. She's babbling away all the time, making B, D & M sounds, but my favorite is her Tarzan yell. Everyone at breakfast earlier this week was treated to a dazzling rendition of her newest song and Chris and I were the proudest parents. 

 I continue to be amazed by how much Fallon loves food. She has yet to reject anything we've given her and is really doing well with those fine motor skills, using them to pick up small pieces and get them right into her mouth. Girlfriend is food motivated if nothing else. Watching her eat is one of the most fun things to do, especially because she makes all these mmmm noises when she really likes something and smacks her hand on the tray if she wants more. We'll have to work on that last one!

So far little miss still hates being on her belly. She hasn't rolled over since she did it the first couple times a few months ago and doesn't seem to have any interest in doing it any more. Crawling also does not seem to be high on her list of priorities. It's a catch 22 because I won't be able to carry her around forever and one day I'll wish I could but at the same time I know she'll be happier when she has more mobility. All in good time. She's healthy and moving along at her own pace.

Until next month, we'll be enjoying all her sweet giggles, long kicking legs when she sees her furry siblings (or food!), building block towers for her to knock over and those cute little arms reaching out for us when she wants to be held (which is ALL. THE. TIME.)

Zoo Trip

Mr. Dierks Bentley has a song called Settle For A Slowdown and that's exactly what came to mind yesterday although I have a bit of a different spin on it. Since having Fallon I feel like I've been living life completely in the fast lane. I'm constantly in motion, jumping from one thing to the next, trying to do so many things all at once. While this is just the way my life is for the most part, I've forgotten to give myself a break lately. We won't be vacationing until later this year but in the meantime, I'll settle for a slowdown.

Yesterday morning we found out Beau was staying home sick and our weird winter weather was feeling a lot like spring. Chris was off for the day and I hesitated for a minute thinking of all the spring cleaning I should start before deciding to blow it all off and have a family day at the zoo. We took Fallon for the first time last fall and even though she was only 3.5 months old, she seemed to really enjoy it. So we packed up some snacks and headed out after Fallon's morning nap. 

The sun was shining, the animals were out and active and we were able to walk around and check them out at our leisure with so few other people around. We got to the cathouse just after feeding time and almost all of them were roaming around and coming up to the glass. Fallon loved seeing all the "kitties" and was especially excited to see the Bengal tiger up close and personal. We also saw all kinds of monkey business, white lions sunbathing, polar bears having lunch, goats in training and a flamingo parade. It was by far one of the most fun days we've had as a family and oh my did we need it! Fallon napped in the car, we ate leftovers for dinner and didn't check one single thing off our to-do list. 

Our life is fairly fast paced and really, we'd probably be bored if it wasn't. But every now and then we need to ditch our responsibilities and just have fun. I can't always sidestep all my duties but I'll settle for a slowdown once in awhile. 

V Day Style

As a lover of themes and holidays, dressing Fallon in festive duds makes me a stupid level of excited. I know a lot of people are not fond of Valentine's Day because it reminds those who do not have a significant other of that fact. But to me it's a day to celebrate love and that's something I don't think we should pass on in this world. My dad was my first Valentine and Chris will get to be Fallon's this year. I joked with him that we should call it Fallontine's Day. He didn't seem to find it as hilarious as I did. I'm going to go with it anyway. So if you're looking to dress your little Fallontine, ahem, Valentine, up in the colors of love then look no further. Grab these goodies from some of our favorite stores or go for something personalized like Fallon's hoodie with HandMade by Hillary.

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A Day In The Life

When I casually polled a few of my girlfriends on what they'd like to read more about on the blog, this was the common topic. SAHMS, working moms, mamas to be, we all just want to feel like we're in this together. Social media can sometimes make it seem like everyone else has it all together while we're over here struggling to get through the day let alone be supermom. Well, those pretty little pictures never tell the whole story and today I decided to give y'all a good look behind the scenes. 

I kept my phone within arm's reach nearly all day, something I pretty much never do, so I could attempt to document what goes on around here on a typical day. I captured what I could in pictures and on my IG story but I'll fill in the blanks here. Let me preface this by saying that this is more like a  day in the life on a Wednesday. The hubs works nights 4 times a week so he's not running on a M-F, 8-5 schedule. I also baby-sit 3 days a week so a day with a 3 month old and a 6 month old looks a lot different. If this type of post is something you as readers would like to see more of in the future, I will certainly try to do this on other days so you can see how much these variables change things. But for now, I give you a day in the life. 

My alarm goes off at 6AM. I immediately check the baby monitor to see if Fallon is awake. Sometimes she is laying quietly in her bed and other times she is still sleeping. Of course there are times she is crying but I've already heard her and have then been listening for her to calm herself. I am up by 6:15 to go feed the cats and dogs and get my coffee going. If Fallon is still asleep at 6:30 I go ahead and let the dogs out and make my breakfast, almost always oatmeal. If she is awake I go get her and nurse her then change her diaper. I then make and eat my breakfast or just drink my coffee while she bounces in her jumperoo. There are many days she refuses to be put down so I do everything with one hand. 

We play together with blocks, her toys that make noise and read books until 8/8:30. I usually give her a piece of whole grain rice cake to munch on while I get her second breakfast of solids ready. Today she had part of a waffle and some blackberries. I forgot to undress her first so I was stain treating that sleeper afterward. #momfail 

Between 9-9:30 Fallon goes down for a morning nap. This is when I clean up the breakfast mess and then attempt to get my nap time hustle on. If we are going somewhere I shower or just get myself ready and if not I do things around the house. Today was bathroom cleaning day but I was halfway through when little girlfriend decided to wake up. There are times when she will fall back asleep if I leave her be but I usually know if that's a possibility or not and today it was clearly not. So I dressed her and gave her my brushes to play with and thank goodness those kept her occupied long enough for me to finish. I even dusted the bedroom! I don't always get so lucky though and chores get put on hold. 

Fallon will nurse again usually between 10-10:30 and then we have a few hours before her next nap. Today it was chilly but not windy so we bundled up and went for a walk. She tool another half hour snooze in the stroller and was ready for lunch round 12 when we got back. Lunch is usually between 12-1 and on a good day we can eat at the same time. She had steamed broccoli and sweet potato and I had a spinach + hummus + feta wrap. Afternoon nap time is somewhere between 1-2 unless she didn't nap at all in the morning and then our day is just all up in the air. We played today after lunch until daddy came home and then Fallon went down for another nap around 1:30. 

Sometimes she sleeps minimally (or not at all!) and sometimes she sleeps 2+ hours. I got lucky today and she slept almost an hour and a half so I got in a workout and a few random things on my to-do list before she was up. By 3PM I was nursing again while Chris let the dogs out. I handed her off to him when she was finished and switched the laundry from the washer to the dyer, something I all too often forget to do. We had some family time before daddy went up to bed just after 4 and then Fallon and I played until dinnertime. 

Again, I try to eat when Fallon eats now that she can mostly feed herself. It doesn't always work out if she's fussy and frustrated that she can't get the food in her month fast enough. That was today. She had cheese squares and steamed asparagus for dinner and I helped out a lot. On the nights Chris works I always fill the dog and cat food bowls so they are ready to go in the morning so I did that with Fallon on my hip as well as fed the cats. The dogs eat all their food in the morning so at least I only have to feed 1 set of furballs twice a day. 

6PM is bath time and I'm currently still bathing Fallon in the infant tub in our first floor bathroom. We have tried the big tub and it didn't go over so well so we will try again this weekend. Hopefully she decides she's okay with it before she completely grows out of her baby sink tub. After her bath I rub lotion on her and get her pjs on and then nurse her for the last time before bed. She starts to drift off in my arms just before 7 and that's when I bring her upstairs to her crib. That's the one thing that is almost always so easy.

I spend the rest of the evening eating dinner if I haven't yet, cleaning up the kitchen, picking up toys and and other messes we made, folding laundry, blogging or doing anything else I need to check off the to-do list. Yes, there are nights I just watch TV but it's rare. I usually try to get things done so that I can spend the nights hubby has off with him. I almost always end my night with a glass of wine or a good beer so even if I'm still on the clock it's like I'm not. Bedtime for me is usually 10:30/11 and praise the Lord Fallon sleeps through the night so I get to also. I dream of a new kitchen, a personal chef and cheese fries without calories before I wake up and do it all over again. 

There are days we stay in our pjs all day and never leave the house. Sometimes when Chris gets home he tags in immediately and takes a fussy baby who has refused to be put down or nap all morning. I escape to a hot shower and then chug coffee to get through until bedtime. I can be found eating random things I can grab from the pantry for lunch, vacuuming with a baby on my hip and or cranking the volume on the speaker to drown out the crying some days. I don't get a shower every day and I only wash my hair once a week. For every day that Fallon and I wear matching outfits, we check most everything off from the to-list or have fun little photo shoots, there are days we count it a win that the house is still standing. You win some, you lose some.